Monday, July 9, 2012

Magic Mike, a Derecho and Last Weekend. A Tragedy in Two, Maybe Three Parts

(post copyright 2012, Dawn Weber)
Part 1
All I wanted from last Friday night was to see naked young male movie stars in the premiere of  Magic Mike.

Yeah, I felt good, stepping into the elevator at 5 p.m. for a girls' night out to watch naked young male movie stars with a big group of mom friends. Prettied up, looking fancy. I mean - I wore clean shorts . . . lotion on my legs . . . lip gloss. I fixed my hair, for shit's sake. As if naked young male movie star Channing Tatum could see me from the theater screen.

When I walked outside, I realized I had made a huge mistake with the preening and the application of any kind of petroleum product. The sky was dark, and angry winds blew down High Street, churning up dirt, debris and homeless crackhead germs, all of which immediately glommed onto my lip-glossed lips and lotioned legs. Rain pelted me hard and sideways as I hustled up the street, causing the dust/debris/homeless crackhead germs to streak down my skin. 

We will not speak of the consequences to my hair.

Grooming: This is why I normally don't bother.

That's what I thought while I high-tailed it to the parking lot in a record four minutes. Before starting the ignition, I looked at the weather on my phone: severe thunderstorm warnings with possible high winds. Nothing too worrisome - no mention of tornados. Just a typical shitty Ohio summer storm forecast.

Still - something felt wrong - something seemed off. But I figured maybe I had just angered the gods in my quest to see naked young male movie stars.

So I started up the car and merged onto I-70 with all the other eastbound rush-hour dummies, racing through the driving rain. I tried to ignore my foreboding and concentrate on the prospect of  Magic Mike.

As I traveled, the weather grew more and more menacing. Hail. Punishing rains. Unbelievable wind.

Forty-five minutes into my commute, a few miles from home, the clouds turned pitch black. Branches and utility lines blew one way and another and the storm picked up, pounding until I could barely see the white lines - stopping, starting and stopping again. I kept going, though. Seemed like I didn't have a choice.

It grew still.

And just like a nightmare, through slapping windshield wipers I watched a Chevy sedan from the other side of the freeway spin around furiously three times, then crash through the thick cement barrier separating I-70 east and west. When the car came to a halt, no one was visible at the wheel.

But I couldn't stop. I couldn't help the driver, because that's when my husband called.

"Where you at? Be careful! A tornado just hit the house. But we are O.K. . . . we're O.K."

I mashed the pedal down and flew the last few miles home, suffering only a mild panic attack/infarction/stroke, past the wrecked cars and dangling power lines.

And there they were, up on the hill, just beyond 15 large downed trees in the yard and driveway. They stood under other trees buckling the porch roof. The three of them wide-eyed and trembling and shell-shocked. My family. They had gone to the basement. 

Thank God, they were O.K.

They were O.K.

The house? That's another story. Tune in next week for chaos . . . destruction . . . bad luck . . . but, sadly, no naked young male movie stars.


  1. Yeah, I got a Magic Mike for ya. ;)

  2. Wow...thank goodness everyone is all right. What a horrific experience.

  3. I am glad your family and you are safe.

    I hate scary weather... and ever since seeing the Wizard of Oz as a child, have been afraid down to the depths of my soul that a tornado would come and take me away.

    Please tell me there were no winged monkeys.

  4. And suddenly "derecho" is part of the national lexicon -- my hope being, of course, to never need the word for my own stories.

    I'm so glad you're all right. The house, though, and the trees...


  5. I think I would never put lotion on my legs or apply lip gloss again.

    Wow, Dawn.

    So glad you and yours survived.

  6. Sounds like Alabama, which by the way, Channing Tatum is from. Yup an Alabama redneck.

  7. Wow! Mother nature sure went to the extreme to keep you from seeing those you naked male movie stars! I'm glad your family was safe. What a horrible experience!

  8. I just knew haven't heard from you that something was wrong...

  9. Holy crap on a crutch! What a genius way to write about such an experience.

  10. Great Googli Moogli!!! Thank goodness you're alright. I had a snarky "Derecho" line to toss off here, but I won't bother now.
    Did I already say Great Googli Moogli!!??

  11. I'm glad your bug made it. You can still go see "Magic Mike"--it will be stress relief!

  12. Oh Dawn! I'm so sorry! We had the damned derecho here, too! Luckily no damage to our house, just no power for 5 days. (Who needs a freezer full of meat, anyway?) That means you guys can come live in our basement if you need to. It has a popcorn machine.

  13. Scary! It ain't fair what a woman must go through to view naked young male movie stars. I'm glad you and yours fared just fine.


  14. Oh, my gosh! Thank goodness everyone is okay.

    And if you have to wait until Magic Mike is out on DVD, that's cool. You can freeze frame it, and watch it over and over again.

  15. So how many guys were in the theater?

  16. Glad you are all okay. Good luck getting everything fixed.

  17. Ron - I'm sure you do. ;)
    BB John - Thanks, we'll power through!
    Ami - It wouldn't have surprised me one bit to see a winged monkey, such was the surrealness of this event.
    Pearl - I know: derecho. Wish I'd never heard the word.
    Susan - Bingo! No more lip gloss or lotion!
    Trav - Channing Tatum...mmmm....wait, what?
    Eva - Nature will not win! I WILL see the naked young male movie stars! I will!
    RJ - I knew you'd be worried/wondering about what happened to me since I was gone forever. I'm still here! No worries.
    Jayne - Thank you for saying that, because I was kind of worried about this post - it's different style for me.
    Penwasser - Great Googli Moogli! It's OK, Al, I am alive and kickin. :)
    Heidi - Oh yes, I will see Magic Mike yet. It will be done.
    Dawn - You had me at popcorn machine. Where's my car keys? Oh that's right - the cars are destroyed.
    Robyn - Why, why, why is it so difficult for middle-aged women to see naked young male movie stars? THAT is the question.
    Linda - Good idea, but I want to see it on the BIG screen. BIG!
    Zibbs - I'll let you know...
    Jono - Recovering from this is a WHOLE 'NOTHER NIGHTMARE, indeed.

  18. Thought about the fact you didn't get to see the young, hot, naked things at the movies the other night, so I posted some for you on my blog today. Enjoy!

  19. Glad everyone is ok. You can always catch Magic Mike another time. Replacing your family- just doesn't happen.

    WHen MM comes out on disc- I am so there with ya! Freeze frame, slo-mo, enjoying the sexiness to be found.

  20. So glad everyone is OK. How very scary...
    Still trying to get myself to Magic Mike damn it.

  21. Dawn - Thank you! Your naked young hot things were TASTY! :)
    Pixie - My point exactly. :)
    Jessica - Review will be forthwith!

  22. Yikes! And here you thought it was naked young men who were going to leave your heart in your throat!

  23. This makes me want to throw up from anxiety. I don't like it. Nope. Not one bit.