Friday, September 26, 2014

Suzie the Meth Lab Speaks

Things have been crazy around here lately, what with my daughter's senior year and both kids in fall sports. I'm also working on getting my book published, which entails doing tons of research on literary agents, spending hours crafting the perfect letters to them, and then receiving their rejection letters. Fun times! So I asked our dog Suzie to take a break from being bad and write a blog post. Read on:

(copyright 2014, Suzie the dog)

Suzie not know what Woman talking about. Suzie very good dog.

Suzie also dislike "Meth Lab" classification. Suzie not smoke crystal meth, or even crack, and although Suzie try pot once, she not inhale. Anyway, Suzie don't think she is "Meth Lab," Suzie believe she come from impressive bloodline of Black Lab. And greyhound. And whippet. Possibly beagle. Maybe shepherd. Definitely pit bull . . .


Point is, Suzie have diverse array of relatives in tri-county area, all with formidable skills in shoe-shredding, leg-humping and crotch-sniffing arena. Do Woman's kin-folk possess these talents? Suzie think not. Woman should watch mouth. Suzie have "Family" - "Family" with teeth.

Anyway, Suzie classy dog, with very advanced palate. Man always buy box of dry, dusty "Bones" for Suzie, but is not necessary, when cat box in particular offer many juicy, absolutely free treats for taking. Suzie eat anything - trees, rocks, road-kill, cat poop - where Woman say "Gross!" Suzie say "Breakfast!"

And speaking of cat, why Suzie can’t chase? Gray Cat run, Suzie pursue - is law of jungle passed down for millenniums. Gray Cat think she better than dog, with her yummier food, cushier bed and litter box of juicy treats. She need taken down a notch, and Suzie just dog for job.

Suzie also like to accompany Peoples to bathroom, and sit in front them as they deposit liquid into Suzie's Other Water Bowl. She then express gratitude to Peoples with lick on face, but she always get "Stop it!" yells. Suzie not know why. She just thankful for bowl fills. And Suzie really enjoy being at eye-level with Peoples, so she make happen. Just like when she give trademark jump-up greeting to visitors. Woman always yelling "Get Down!" But human stand up, Suzie stand up. Is simple physics.

However, Suzie is sorry about incident with old man at vet's office. Wrinkled one not expect signature Suzie "Get Down!" move. Suzie claws did scratch Wrinkle's legs, is true, but how she to know old Peoples have thin skin and take blood-thinning medication? Suzie hope Wrinkles stop bleeding someday.

Suzie also regret Big Stick incident. Suzie not realize that when she spin with 7-foot stick in mouth near Woman, giant stick blow out Woman’s knees and knock her to ground. Suzie know many words - "Bad!" "No!" "Bacon!" - but Woman scream words Suzie not hear before, words that sound like "duck." Suzie try to lick face as Woman roll on ground - she obviously angry, but also part at fault here, as she the one said, “Let's play stick!” Suzie search yard and grab biggest stick available. If Woman want stick, Woman get small tree. Suzie is giver.

Suzie is serious guardian, and practice bark often. Best time to practice 3 a.m., while Woman, Man and Small Ones sleep. Takes a while for them to wake up, walk out and shout “Shut Up!” and Suzie able to enjoy many minutes of vicious barks before yells start. Suzie don’t always bark in middle of night, but when she do, is for no real reason.

You can see that Suzie get many yells. Woman especially enjoy yelling at Suzie, and she not know why - Suzie just doing her jobs.

Woman's loudest yells come when Suzie conduct crotch-check on Peoples. Without good sniff of nethers, how else Suzie to know quality of creature before her? Humans funny animals, Suzie think, blessed with dizzying variety of pungent genitalia, yet seemingly no desire to sniff each other. Is sad - and not very smart.

You know, Suzie may be Meth Lab. But she clearly superior species.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Ode to a Shoe - Fetish

(post copyright 2014, Dawn Weber)

I don't have a problem,
I can quit if I want to,
These shoes are like friends,
And who the hell asked you?

The closet floor's covered,
But I don't really care,
Green rug like the bedroom,
Not much under there.

It's true that their numbers
Rise into the hundreds,
They're all necessary,
Hey - "Hoarders" ain't called yet.

I've pumps, mules and flip-flops,  
Slides, sneakers and Mocks,
And, heaven help me,
One pair of red Crocs.

I've boots made for walking,
And shoes made to run,
No jogging these days though,
Fuck that. I am done.

The husband dislikes it,
When I go to the store,
There's no room for his shoes,
Mine take the whole floor.

"You bought shoes?" he asks me.
"Really? Can't you abstain?"
But they were on sale.
And he protests in vain.

I don't see the issue,
I don't let it phase me,
He knows he can't fight it,
If he wants to touch me.

See, shoes make me happy,
Shoes make me dance,
'Cause shoes always fit,
Unlike my pants.