(post copyright, 2012, Dawn Weber. Mommy Mixology: A Cocktail for Every Calamity by Janet Frongillo and published by Ulysses Press, available here at Amazon and bookstores)
The way I see it, most beverages - and situations - could use a little coconut rum.
Add some coconut rum!
Pour in some coconut rum!
Have some coconut rum!
Malibu, Captain Morgan's Parrot Bay . . . I recommend whatever is on sale over at the - you guessed it - Walmart. The brand of rum really doesn't matter - the stuff is like crack. And once you have crack, you never go back.
That goes especially for the Crack of Dawn - I've been told it's the best. The drink, that is. What did you think I meant, you perv?
Everybody loves the Crack of Dawn, my very own concoction, consisting of on-sale coconut rum, and Walmart of course! brand "Great Value - Orange Early Sunrise" drink (generic Crystal Light) and ice. It's cold, cheap and easy - just like the Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Yeah, I prided myself on my Crack - thought it was pretty badass. That is, until I read my bloggy buddy Janet Frongillo's new book Mommy Mixology: A Cocktail for Every Calamity.
Detailing the first five yeas of motherhood - from conception to kindergarten - this collection of drink recipes and cool, colorful photos blends marvelously with the author's hair-raising experiences in raising three young boys. Seriously, the ladies will love these cocktails, and any mother can relate to Janet's stories. For example, as a mom, have you ever:
Had trouble taking away a pacifier?
Pour a "Bloody Binky!"
Struggled with potty training?
Stir a "Shitzer Spritzer!"
Watched - in horror - as your kid swung from a chandelier, called random men "Daddy" and took a leak on the living-room carpet?
No? That's just Janet?
Well, make a "Mamakaze Bomb Drop" anyway!
This book is a great gift for birthdays, Christmas and Mother's Day. It even works as a baby shower gift - the "Conception" section contains quite a few non-alcoholic recipes for prego mommies-to-be.
And many of the cocktail recipes make one serving. This means one cocktail, for Mom only. Everyone else - step off, man! Make your own drink!
If it's been a tough day, and one or three is not enough, the paperback's book-flaps fold double and serve as handy book-markers - you can go right back to the recipe's page and make another cocktail or three. And everyone else - step off, man! Make your own drink!
Janet is a regular ParentWise: Austin humor writer and blogger at www.muffintopmommy.com. Her recipes make my Crack of Dawn look like, well, generic Kool Aid mixed with cheap rum. Which it is. So I have no idea why she asked me to read and give my useless two-cents on Mommy Mixology as she was writing it. Neither does my husband:
"Hey! She values your opinion. Why?" he said.
Aside from his comment, I am one lucky bitch, because Janet was kind enough to thank me for my feedback on her acknowledgment page. You know, I was going to write a book myself someday. But since she pimped me in hers, I will just sit back, relax and sip my Crack of Dawn, because there's my name, right there on page 112. Clearly, I am famous now.
So pick up Mommy Mixology for its hilarious stories, my name on page 112, and several cocktail recipes containing cream of coconut or coconut rum, for the toughest, craziest, most nerve-wracking, most wonderful job imaginable. Mix up, read, chill out, and always remember this:
Have some coconut rum!
Sorry I'm a bit late, but below you'll see my boy very enthusiastically (haha) drawing the winner for Mommy Mixology, while the Suzie dog takes a break from being violently ill to supervise:
Robyn, from Life By Chocolate!