Saturday, December 19, 2015

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Chaos

(post copyright 2015, Dawn Weber)

More messed up Christmas Carols for your listening pleasure. Happy Holidays, everyone!

It's beginning to look a lot like chaos,
Everywhere you go,
Drive through the parking lot,
Hoping you won't get shot,
Just to buy your kid a new iPhone

It's beginning to look a lot like chaos,
Thieves in every store,
But the scariest sight to see,
Are the moms on Black Friday,
At the Walmart doors

Expensive footwear and a new iPad air
Is the wish of Emma and Belle,
Games about war and Playstation 4
Is the hope of Noah and Will,
And Mom and Dad can hardly stand to see the Visa bill

It's beginning to look a lot like chaos,
Everywhere you go,
Assholes are all around,
On freeways and in town,
Full of rage and Starbuck's espresso

It's beginning to look a lot like chaos,
Idiots a-bound,
A mass of humanity,
Bursting with insanity,
Crazies all a-round!


I Must Go, I Must Go, I Must Go

Oh, the stores are filled up with buyers,
But my Kohl's cash soon expires,
And since I'm not made of dough,
I must go, I must go, I must go

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
This never ending shopping,
The traffic, it really blows,
But I go, I must go, I must go

When I finally think I'm done,
I remember my nephew Jack,
He wants a new Nerf gun,
Shit - guess I have to go back!

My bank account's quickly draining,
My back and knees complaining,
The roads are covered with snow,
I must go, I must go, I must go

When the cash is completely gone,
It's a good thing we have Mastercards,
Visas for everyone,
Credit statements by the yards

Christmas Eve and I'm still buying,
My bankruptcy denying,
Santa left a long time ago,
Still I go, yes I go, I must go!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

"You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch?" Nope. "You're an A**hole, Mr. Trump"

(post copyright 2015, Dawn Weber)

Well, for five years now, I've been writing these messed-up Christmas Carols! Perhaps I should publish a little songbook to pass out to the children . . .

Nah. Better Not. Anyway, Happy Holidays, and feel free to sing along!

You really are quite frightening,
Your mouth is always running, 
You’re qualified for nothing, 
Mr. Trump

You’re a bigot, Mr. Trump,
You’ll cause nothing but problems,
You have no sense of justice, 
Mr. Trump

From the back seat of your limo,
To you, we’re just sex symbols, 
Mr. Trump

You’re a bully, Mr. Trump,
Your gall’s the stuff of fables,
Mr. Trump

You scare me, Mr. Trump,
The rednecks, they adore you,
Casting their votes for you,
The liberals all abhor you,
Mr. Trump

You’re a danger, Mr. Trump,
A nasty billionaire,
With ideas crazy as your hair, 
You’re our worst nightmare, 
Mr. Trump

Drunk on all your power,
Basking in your malice,
Go back to your tower,
Mr. Trump

Three words that describe you are stink, stank, stunk!


Jerry the Junkie

Jerry the Junkie,
Was a jolly fucked-up soul,
With a big crack pipe and a blown-out nose,
And two pupils like black holes

Jerry the Junkie,
Was a criminal they say,
He went to jail, couldn't post his bail,
So he stayed for Christmas Day

There must have been some good shit in,
That last crack pipe he smoked,
For when they placed him in his cuffs,
He said, "Please just one more toke!"

Jerry the Junkie,
Was as high as he could be,
And the police say, 
That for several days,
He believed he was a tree

Down came, old Jerry,
When his crack buzz was all gone,
He said, "Give me some!"
They said, "You'll get none"
So he suffered till the dawn

He tried to call his ex-wife to,
Coome spring him from his cell,
But when he heard her screeching voice,
He said, "I'll just stay in jail"

Jerry the Junkie,
Found some bail on late Tuesday,
And he waved goodbye,
Saying, "Don't you cry! I'll be back again Friday"

Crackety-crackhead, crackety-crackhead,
Look at Jerry go,
Crackety-crackhead, crackety-crackhead,
He's the oldest junkie you know!