Friday, June 15, 2012

Hey! Cat! Get Off of My Car!

copyright 2010, Dawn Weber

Your car takes Turtle Wax.

My car? Needs a bikini wax.

This is because it's covered in pussy hair thanks to our two hateful, corrupt, malicious, shedding cats. They love to perch their 23 combined pounds on the fabric roof of my prized, hard-won convertible. Every damn day.

They've made it their personal landing strip.

Evil garage-dwelling felines. I think they're secretly mocking me. Probably trying to kill me. Blood pressure rises every time I see those Fat Fuzzies on the fragile frame canvas. Shooting pains in my left arm, pounding vein in the temple...

"Get Off!" I yell from the doorway.

*Blank, green-eyed cat stare. Hairy pusses remain on roof.*

"GET OFF!" I yell, stepping into garage.

*Green-eyed blink-blink. Yawn. Hairy pusses still seated...*

"GET THE F*CK OFF MY CARRR!! HISSSSSS!!!!" I shriek, running at car.

*Cats and hair scatter. Fur glues itself to roof. Crazed woman clutches chest.*

I'll tell you why: That stuff is like Velcro. It does not come off the canvas. Even on my 80 m.p.h. 65 m.p.h., two-hour round-trip commute each day, I am stuck with the fur.

Now, I realize that in the whole war-torn, general cluster-f*ck state of the planet, the hair-mobile isn't a crucial topic.

Important issues: You're still at the wrong blog.

All I know is that I scrimped, saved and waited 40 years to buy this little old 2003, Craigslist-purchased ragtop. I will not have the Fuzzball Farts using it as their hammock-hair-removal-system.

So I started coming up with plans to keep them off the roof.

Sometimes, I have some really great brainstorms.

And other times I should just lie down until those storms blow on through.

Exhibit A: The plain blue tarp.

Surely, I thought, this cold plastic would render the roof uncomfortable for Furball Fairies. Surely the crinkly sound would annoy Prudent Pusses.

"Not so!" said the Comfy Kitties, perched on top of blue tarp, their effing fur finding its way back underneath to canvas car top.

Exhibit B: The same plain blue tarp with glued on mothballs.

Hearing that cats dislike mothballs, I painstakingly glued two entire boxes to the blue tarp. This apparently produced the fume "Methyl-Ethyl-Deathyl-ate." Or "Ethel" for short.

It smelled like old ladies. And death. The Mothball Tarp kept the cats off the car, alright, but its fumes also made everyone ill. Ethel the Toxic Cloud seeped from the garage throughout the entire house, and though I got rid of it two weeks ago, I still smell it.

Which brings us to...

Exhibit C: The Fancy-Pants Motion-detecting Wireless Alarm System.

That's right - I've gone high-tech on their asses. This is no box 'o mothballs. Actual coin was spent on this fine $19.99 GE appliance.

(Dr. Evil voice) With infrared LASER beam!

This alarm will go on the top of the car. And when those two decide it's hair-hammock time, the LASER beam will sense their motion, and emit an ear-splitting 120-decibel alarm! The Fuzz-Festers will flee the crime scene!

Oh, yes. I have high hopes for this technology. It better work.

Because the husband is not a fan of the Pussy Princesses. He frequently volunteers to get rid of their Hairy Highnesses, and I sure don't want that to happen.


Give it time.

(A re-post, because, in the words of Clark Griswold, "I'M ON VACATION!!!" but I didn't want to deny you the chance to once again read about pussy hair.
Also, it's two years later, the cats are now 100 years old but still manage to haul their ancient asses up to the Beetle roof. And the $19.99 alarm system doesn't function anymore. Of course it doesn't.
Free to ANY home: 2 elderly, evil, shedding cats. And one broken alarm system.)


  1. Happy vacation! A nice play on words to get my evil mind working. I was on your side right up to the revelation it is a Beetle? sigh... a chick mobile.
    I expected a Corvette for you!

  2. OMG! This is awesome. Cats are evil. I'm laughing so hard right now -- the whole bikini wax pussy thing is going to be on my mind all day.

  3. Ha! Okay, this one made me choke on my tea.

    1. Well crikey, Linda - it was not my intention to endanger you!

  4. love the kittehs way more than you love the rag top and you know it. (and they know it)

    1. I do, Delores. That's why the Fuzzball Farts are ancient and fat. And still alive. And still on my roof.

  5. I am holding my sides laughing. My daughter has the same car. If our cats ever did that to her ragtop she named Sunny she'd have hung-em high!

    1. Darlene, they are evil and they must be stopped.

  6. You are truly one of my favorite weirdos.

    You need to travel with one of those spray bottles, full of water.

    The kittehs hate that. :-)


    1. Pearlie the water bottle would be great - but they do it when I'm not out there. I need a motion detecting water bottle - with infrared LASER beam.

  7. OMG! I laughed so hard reading this, my husband asked what was so funny--He loved the bikini wax/pussy hair comment! thanks for my biggest laugh of the week!

    1. Eva, thank YOU for making my day with your comment!

  8. OMG! The mothballs. I can so relate. A genius at the hardware store told me if I threw some behind the refrigerator and stove they would keep mice away. Being a child of the drug-culture 60s where if a little was good a lot was better, of course I flung the whole damn box back there... Holy shit! Didn't bother the mice at all, but I was damn near asphyxiated. Good luck with the cat fur problem. You could always shave the little bastards.

    1. Jayne - genius! Perhaps the pussies need a shave!

  9. Your car's covered in WHAT kind of hair!!??
    Sorry about that. I just channeled my inner teenage boy.
    On a related note, just imagine all those moth eunuchs.
    Well, mothballs have to come from SOMEwhere, you know!!

    1. Pussy. Pussy hair, Penwasser. Yes, this post is dedicated to the teenage boy in all of us.

  10. If all else fails, there is always laser hair removal. You can choose whether to purchase that gift for your rag top or your cats. LOL!!!

  11. I too thought your alarm plan was brilliant. You are nothing if not creative. Darn stubborn pussies.

    I hope you're enjoying your vacation, m'dear.


  12. Funny, funny post hon.
    My hubby hates cats, so.
    And I just adore them.
    But the adoration would cease if they messed with my ragtop.

  13. I am not a cat person. Thanks for reasons 2005 and 2006 to add to the list.

    But since I was a 12 year old boy in my past life (and really, my humor is still there quite often) I got a kick out of how you're having so much trouble with your pussy. Pussies? You have two pussies!!!!

    bwa haaaaah haaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa

  14. Wow... your life is so much different from mine sometimes...

  15. Boy, those cats need training. Drenching them with a water pistol every time they got on your car roof would be a good first lesson.

  16. Your rag top takes me back to all the cool bugs (cars) I grew up with in CA.! So fun! Happy vacation!

  17. Oh my gosh, this is seriously hillarious. Makes me really really happy not to be a cat owner :)

  18. Laughing on the first line, howling by the second.

    Now, please forgive me but I'm going to leave you with dear old dad's sage commentary.

    "Cat hairs are just kisses from your furry favorites."

    Uhhuh. Sure. And now you know the source of mom's stinkeye.

  19. Cats are a great source of inspiration. I have some real evil cats in a WIP I'm working on. They kill a lot of people. Cats are always up to something.

  20. I love hairy pussies. If cats are harrassing you, I would have thought that a tarp with bungee-cord tie downs would prevent their rooftop habitation.
    May this be your singular life problem.

  21. Did the fuzzy felines ever hark up a hairball on the ragtop? It could have eaten a hole in it, ya know.

  22. My sister's cat, Fred, used to like to climb up under the car into the engine compartment... it was warm and cats love that.

    One day they started the car and heard a bang and cat yowll... Fred had been pulled through the fan belt and actually knocked the thing completely off!! He not only survived but apparently nothing broken... though Fred was pretty slow for a few weeks. It's no wonder people claim they have Nine Lives.

  23. As I was getting ready to turn my computer off (I'm good at that-I've been turning women off for years), a thought occurred to me: I really should take a shower. Then I thought, "Hey, I haven't seen Dawn in a while." (I'm talking about you, not the atmospheric phenomenon).
    Looking forward to next time.
    And that shower.

  24. I'd just re-do my ragtop in scratching-post twine. My cat never touches that.

  25. "And other times I should just lie down until those storms blow on through."

    Story of my life.

    Also...where ARE you? Come back!