Saturday, July 31, 2010

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

Copyright 2010, Dawn Weber

You touch my taco? You die.

Nor may you munch my nachos or snatch my burrito. They are mine and mine alone, got it? I've got $3, I've got dinner. You don't? Move along.

I refer (what did you think I was talking about, perv?) to the wonderful culinary offerings of Taco Bell, that fine restaurant chain established in 1962 (bless you, Wikipedia) by one Glenn Bell, God rest his cheesy soul.

That's right. Here at the Lighten Up Center for Useless Information, we have determined that the honorable Mr. Bell passed away last January at the age of 86.

Also at LUCUI, we (and Wikipedia) have verified that the beloved "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" chihuahua, Gidget, also recently died, July 21, 2009, at age 15 after a stroke and resulting euthanization.

Both ripe old ages, no? This proves Lighten Up's theory that consuming Taco Bell's four main mouthwatering food groups, beef, cheese, lard, different cheese, are indeed nutritious and should be included as a regular part of the U.S. Food Pyramid.

Lighten Up further theorizes that the Taco Bell menu stimulates serotonin, and may cause addiction. Translation: It makes people happy. And may contain crack. Or both.

For instance:

This is the brain.

This is the brain on Taco Bell.

Need further proof of the Bell's Power? The Lighten Up Center for Useless Information went to the experts - Facebook friends. Take a look at these recent posts:

"Mexi-Melt! Yumm!" said Mari Darr Welch of Florida, who's been known to eat several in one sitting with me.

"Who said Taco Bell? OH MY GOD!" said Wisconsin's Heidi Frazier, always resorting to CAPITAL LETTERS when the BELL is mentioned usually, by me.

"I am craving Taco Bell and getting the shakes several times a day," said Stacey Hatton of Kansas. "Just say no to the Bell! I have to drive by it to get to my dance class. Ugly temptress to the weak-hearted. Five days clean from Ma T. Bell!"

Yes, like these women, I have a problem.

A problem made worse by late-night beverages shenanigans. That's right - I am, and for many decades have been - a proud partaker of the Fourth Meal.

Certain Saturday nights, out on the town with the husband, I start digging for change. And just before 2 a.m., I start elbowing and reminding him of an important task. This is never the overnight fun - and resulting sleep - he wishes for, but rather a quick run for the Border.

"Let's go. I want some Taco Bell," I say.

He sighs, grabs the keys and we hit the road. He knows his place, he knows the drill: My Drive-Thru Driver, my Menu-Board Man, my Staticky-Speaker-Stud.

"How can I help you?" says Teen-Taco-Bell-Boy.

"Yeah. She'll take two chicken soft tacos, a Nachos Supreme and a large diet," he says.

"Anything else?" says TTBB.

"Yeah. I want a Burrito Supreme, a regular soft taco and a medium diet," says the husband.

Damn straight, mister - get your own.

There's no touching my taco.

(Taco Bell also inspires mass amounts of creative talent. Check out Heidi Koch Frazer at, Stacey Hatton at and Mari Darr Welch at


  1. YAY--I'm the first to leave a comment. HILARIOUS! LOVE the brain on Taco Bell pic. Often I'll wake up Sunday morning and experience proof that hubby "ran for the border" sometime after midnight. Clever blog--Love it.

  2. You continue to make me shriek with laughter as my husband shakes his head while reading the obituaries in the paper. (Don't read more into that than that.)

    I think my reading is MUCH more entertaining! Thanks for the plug at the bottom. You rock and I agree Nacho Supreme's rule!

  3. Am studying that brain chart and will request a copy of your latest EEG. This much hilarity can't be normal!! ~m

  4. Poor Mr. Bell. Poor chihuahua. Poor me. I live 15 minutes from the nearest Taco Bell, and not divulging how close it is to the border. My poor DIL (wife of oldest son) is from Veracruz South of the Border and offers every time I see to make some tamales for me, which I just love. And yet, I can't shake the addiction to the TB stuff. I shame her with my wantonness. And you Ms. Dawn have outdone your very own self and me. Love it.

  5. Heidi and Stacey, I am glad to exploit friends' addictions for my benefit ;) (Thank You!)Molly, I assure you, most days my brain scan looks like the "brain on TB" picture. Wanda, I'm sure your DIL's tamales are wonderful, but how can we shake the serotonin of the BELL!

  6. I feel so used!! LOL You did great Dawn. I got a good early morning laugh!
    OMG is Taco bell open for breakfast? I need a mexi melt!! And may I add, that since I have reached a certain age and metabolism is a real ass, I only eat one now!! LOL

  7. HAHAHA!! This was hilarious! I didn't realize they were opne for breakfast but now I might have to make a stop there in the morning!!

  8. You can make tacos at home, and even if you use the Taco Bell seasoning packets, it's just not the same. You must be right about the crack. I'm so flippin' hungry now. Tacos in the A.M. Never a bad idea, although people would likely assume I had a hangover.