Wednesday, December 10, 2014

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells! " Nope. "Visa Bills, Visa Bills!"

(Copyright 2014, Dawn Weber)
Dashing through the store,
My cart filled to the top,
Tons more gifts to buy,
But I'm about to drop.

Bells outside the doors,
Red kettles want my stash,
But they are out of luck because,
I never carry cash.


Visa bills, Visa bills,
Visa all the way,
Oh what fun it is to sign,
My whole damn life away - hey!
Visa bills, Visa bills,
Visa all the way,
Oh what fun it is to sign,
My whole damn life away.

A store or two ago,
I thought I'd write some checks,
But soon I had no dough,
In debt up to my neck.

The cashier frowned at me,
My checks they were declined,
The rent-a-cop was sent my way,
I left him far behind.

Visa bills, Visa bills,
Visa all the way,
Oh what fun it is to sign,
My whole damn life away - hey!
Visa bills, Visa bills,
Visa all the way,
Oh what fun it is to sign,
My whole damn life away!

But wait, there's more! Since Christmas is about tradition and the (Green!) Andy Williams Christmas album, here's a little something I wrote three years ago (already - yikes!)

You Spin Me Right Round. Like a 60s Crooner, Baby

Arguing with my best friend - a tradition since 1976.

Yeah, she's entitled to her opinion.

Too bad for her it's wrong.

"Green!" I say.
"Red!" she says.

She is a stellar mother, wife, daughter, church council member and director of food services for an entire state university. She has been my very best friend for nearly 30 years. Still, she is...


And frankly, I don't mind telling her so.

"No way, Amber! You know green is better. Come on!" I say.
"Uh-uh. Sorry. The red one is the best." she says.

She and I like to debate Very Important Issues. Such as politics, child rearing, religion and the Andy Williams Christmas albums.

Shut up. We're old. And, apparently, nerds.

In the 70s, over on Garfield Road, she grew up listening to the red-covered "Andy Williams Christmas Album" - the Red One - during the holidays.

Clearly Inferior

While a mile away, on Woodworth Road, I spent my holidays listening to the Green One -"Merry Christmas" Andy Williams.

Obviously the right choice
Yep. From age four, the Green One was always the first Christmas record I loaded onto our ridiculously large wooden console stereo.

"Jing-a-ling! Jing-jing-a-ling!"

That's how it starts out, with "Sleigh Ride." Then, I'd begin my seasonal hobby of spinning in circles in front of the Christmas tree. The music, all those colors - they were everything. They brought magic, and I made it my mission to spin fast enough that my eyeballs would register the lights as one continuous blur.

Goals: Even as a preschooler, I had them. Obviously, I was destined for greatness. And possibly autistic.

We didn't own the Red One, but lots of other folks did. So I tried spinning in circles as they played it on their ridiculously large console stereos. The first song?

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..."

Zzzzz. Lame. Try to spin fast enough to blur the lights with that one. I stopped spinning, plunked down and listened to the rest of it. Yeah, Andy still sang, but aside from "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," the record stunk. Lacked a certain Je Ne Sais What. 

It was clear that the Red One was for losers.

I told this to my best friend. Then, we argued.

We argued about it in the 70s, wearing polyester.
"Green!" I said.

We argued about it in the 80s, with spiral perms.
"Red!" she said.

We argued about it in the 90s, with our toddlers in tow.
"Green!" I said.

We argued this in her Buick. We argued in my Ford. We have argued this in our high school, our kitchens, on cruise ships, on the phone and on Facebook. The other day, I received this text from her:



Sorry about your luck, my BFF. Because I now have proof positive that the Green Andy Williams album is better. I found the following information about your Red One on, therefore it must be true.

See that, Amber? Wade here says that "Andy's consummate artistry was better in the 'Green Album'"... and that "I will go to play the "Green Album before the 'Red Album.'"

And it's not just Wade, Amber. No. Rodney also prefers the green:

"Christmas man" Rodney says that the Green One "has a little more christmas spark in it..."

What's that, BFF? Still not convinced? O.K.

As you can see, "Joshua" feels strongly about this.

So go ahead, Amber, play your loser Red One.

I'll be spinning and dancing in front of the tree, playing the Green One, along with Wade, Rodney, Joshua, the rest of "Mankin" and this cool cat:


  1. You are just too much. Stories, poems, songs, and being right all the time. Thanks for the laughs and the guy snapping to Andy.

  2. LOL! You are hilarious. I love "Visa Bills"! (But I hate Visa bills.)

    P.S. Go Green!

  3. No no no. You're BOTH wrong. Andy's "Personal Christmas Collection" is the superior album. lol It's the only one with 'Christmas Bells' on it (my personal fave).

    Your Visa Bills was a riot! Back when I had people to shop for, I'd start in the spring. That way I would have Christmas paid off before it even arrived. Because yes, I'm one of 'those people'.

  4. Green vs Red, hmmm? World Wars have been started over less. Beware.

  5. Fantastic song. As someone who also doesn't carry cash, I look forward to a bill come January that makes me question my life choices up to this point.

    Also, it's a known fact that Amazon reviews are law. That's how I know that Twilight is "omg the best boock evar" and how I know that anything by Mark Twain is "stoopid and old."

  6. And M&Ms come in red and green for the holidays! God bless us, everyone!

  7. Of course I still have money left. There are still some cheques left in the book...
    Loved (and winced at) Visa Bills.
    Thank you.

  8. Wanda - You're very welcome. Especially for the guy snappin' to Andy.
    Linda - Right? A love/hate relationship.
    JoJo - What is this "Personal Christmas Collection" of which you speaketh? When it's on, can you spin fast enough to get the Christmas tree lights in a continuous blur?
    Debra - Good point. We may have to call a truce!
    Shower Beer - "Stoopid and old." That's how I feel most days. But Mark Twain, you say? Now I know I am in good (albeit dead) company!
    Al - Great point about the M & Ms! I'm will buy Amber a bag and pick out all the red ones, because - GREEN!
    Elephant - Mid-December and you still have checks left? Actual, functional checks with funds to back them up? You're my new hero!

  9. There are cheques left so there MUST be money to go with them. That is how it works. Isn't it?

  10. Love your Visa Bills song! I have been permanently prevented from having credit cards. Now it's either deb-it or leave-it. ;)

  11. Elephant - that's what I hear, anyway.
    Jayne - "deb-it or leave it". Perfect! I just callmy debit card my "debt" card.

  12. Green! Go Green! Green means go! Green is better! It brings out the green in Rooney's eyes too.

    PS Sorry about the whole rent a cop fiasco. It must've been embarrassing, but you created a humorous jingle as a result. Nicely done. I'm ready to take it caroling.

    Love ya, girlie. Hope you survive the season.