Wednesday, December 24, 2014

I'll Be Broke for Christmas

(Post copyright 2014, Dawn Weber)

I'll be broke for Christmas,
You can plan on that,
Please send cash,
And send it fast,
My wallet has gone flat.

Visa bills will find me,
Though I'll try to run,
I'll be broke for Christmas,
No gifts for my loved ones.

I'll be broke for Christmas,
Just like every year,
Same old thing, no dough to bring,
My kids some Christmas cheer.

Santa Claus, please find me,
I have come undone,
You've got gifts,
I don't have shit,
To give to anyone.

Oh, I'll be broke for Christmas,
Ain't that just a bitch?
Please don't judge - just give me fudge,
Or wine I don't care which.

Christmas Eve will find me,
Sobbing and alone,
Yes, I'll be broke for Christmas,
My money is all gone.


(Here's a little something I wrote four years ago, back when my kids requested something besides $500 Apple products for Christmas:)

'Twas a Night Full of Witch-mas...

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the joint,
My blood pressure had reached its full boiling point,
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Visions of working toys danced in their heads.

And me with directions, and him with his tool,
Got me thinking "For this? I deserve some new jewels."
Down by the tree there was nothing but work,
Me yelling, "Not that screw, you big, clumsy jerk!"

Then right beside me there was such a clatter,
I said, "For $%* sake what the *#@$ is the matter?"
He tossed the pliers down and said, "Ouch!",
Then threw himself over, kerplunk, on the couch.

The moonlight on top of his sorry sad head,
Made me feel bad for nasty mean words that I'd said.
"C'mon honey," I told him, "let's just hit the hay.
Tomorrow we'll do this. There’s hooch on the way!"

He shook his head no. “We must get this done.
If their toys aren't together, they won't have much fun!"
More rapid than arrows, my cusses then came.
I whispered them loudly and spoke names in vain.

But as parents will do, we wanted to please,
And met with directions writ all in Chinese,
We went on ahead through the night with our mission,
Me trying, but failing, to stop all my bitching.

And then, in a twinkling, we fell fast asleep.
The parts strewn around us, a crazy-quilt heap.
As I slept, I dreamed of the big man in red,
Perched at the foot of my childhood bed.

His eyes, they still twinkled, his dimples, still merry,
And I felt just like I was back in the 70s.
But as I looked down at myself in my dream,
I saw belly and hooters and wrinkles extreme.

I said, "Hey Santa, it’s work, now that I'm older,
It’s crazy, I’m tired, please, rub my shoulders?
These toys, they're messed up, missing parts, bad directions,
Got the sprockets and whats-its all in the wrong sections!"

He spoke a few words, before getting his start,
“You have to stop buying your toys from Walmart!
Cheap junk made in China, we all hate it too,
Those elves end up fighting like they’re from the zoo.”

And laying his old hands on top of my head,
Right there in my dream on my little-girl bed,
He told me, “I know that at your age it’s work,
But you gotta stop calling your old man a jerk.”

He sprang to his feet, disappeared from my sight,
And I drifted and dreamed on through the cold night,
Then came the small footsteps, and I thought, “Oh crap!
Their presents, they are not finished - or wrapped!”

I nudged the old man by my side on the floor,
As the kids’ little footsteps drew close to the door,
And what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But assembled, wrapped toys - and a six-pack of cheer!

What a jolly old elf, that Santa still is!
Christmas is for all, not just for the kids.
What else did I learn, my valuable lessons?
Less Walmart, less witching - cut back on the cussin’.


  1. Very cute!! But you won't be broke for Christmas if you start your shopping in the spring. :D Merry Christmas!!

  2. Clearly, you're in the forefront of new Christmas lyrics! Have a wonderful holiday!

  3. Big, big smiles. Thank you - and happy Christmas.

  4. I think its high time we added more Christmas lyrics to the usual fare. Step aside Gershwin, Berlin, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and the rest of you! We've got something better!

  5. JoJo - That would involve planning ahead. I'm against planning ahead.
    Debra - You too!
    Elephant - You're welcome - for what, I don't know ;0). But Happy Holidays to you, too!
    Eva - Merry Christmas!
    Jono - Not a bad idea at all. I think we've all heard "Jingle Bells" enough in our lifetimes.

  6. These were fantastic. I'm definitely broke from Christmas, which is why I'm dropping this comment quickly before they take away my Internet service. Hope you had a great Christmas, and have an awesome New Year!

  7. You are talented, these are Greeeaaat!

  8. Darn, Dawn. I LOVE your cussin. Most writers/poets can't get away with it, but you, your cursing fits with your poetry. I think you've found your poetic niche. Don't stop and let the f%$ words fly. But what do I know? I'm a Jew, still deciding whether or not I believe in Santa.

    Have a wonderful New Year's. xo

  9. Shower Beer - No internet service?! Say it ain't so!
    Strayer - Well, thank you!
    Robyn - Maybe that's my thing: Cuss Poetry. You've really got something there! And always, always believe in Santa ;)

  10. it begins. The unbearably bleak stretch of winter which will only start to be alleviated on April 15th. Tax time.
    Happy New Year!

  11. Good parodies. My favorite Christmas carol parody was sung by my daughter when she came home from kindergarten one day singing, I don't remember all the lyrics but here's what I do: "Joy to the World, Barney's death, we've barbecued his head, we cut up his body and flushed it down the potty, and round and round it goes..." We never did have to watch Barney again after that!

  12. You lucky dickens! You inspired a post! It won't "pop" until tomorrow morning, though, but your comments on 'Penwasser Place' gave me pause. As opposed to paws. I leave that to my dog.