Friday, December 14, 2012

"Words With Friends." Words With "Old Friends." Words With Old Friends Who "CHEAT!" (And next book excerpt)

(post and pictures copyright 2012, Dawn Weber)

In a quest for new and unique ways to waste time, I have started playing Words With Friends.

It's all Craig's fault.

Play Words With Friends, he said. It will be fun, he said.

Yep, Craig Gobel - high school classmate. Football player. Always smiling. Wanted me to play Words With Friends. I could tell because of the notification on my phone:

"Craig Gobel wants you to play Words With Friends!"

I had just installed the WWF app the day before, in order to do something, ANYTHING with my son, the Hobo, a boy perpetually glued to - and enamored of - electronics. The game also includes a handy feature where you can chat with fellow players. Exciting! A way to "communicate" with my son! Perhaps he'd even "answer."

Yes, every day, he's "shufflein."

I have to admit - I groaned a little bit when I received Craig's Words WF invitation. Sorry, Craig. It wasn't him - I just didn't want to get pulled into another online game, another time-suck, after kicking a particularly addictive Farmville habit not long ago:

Lord, I miss my little cartoon cornfields. And cartoon kegs.

When I saw Craig's WWF request, I thought back to the good old days in school and how he was always in my homeroom. At the time, our names were alphabetically close, so he sat beside me in the early mornings as I tried - drooling, and in vain - to stay awake after the previous night's McDonald's shift. 

I liked Craig, always smiling. I didn't want to ruin his smile by denying his request.

"Craig Gobel wants you to play Words With Friends!"

As I recall, he was a pretty good football player. I was not blessed with the, how you say, "athleticism of any sort." I had three talents in high school: 

1. Spelling/vocabulary;
2. Working at McDonald's;
3. Attending parties.

Of these skills, number 3, I felt, was the most important.

But I was a pretty damn good speller, usually runner-up at the school spelling bee. A solid second place, that's always, always, AL-F*CKING-WAYS! me. 

And with 22 years of experience in journalism, marketing, corporate and state communications, words - along with photos - are pretty much my life. I figured I could take on Craig Gobel, football star.

Play Words With Friends and beat Craig, I said. It will be fun, I said.

We begin, and pretty much out of the gate, Craig plays the word "LOGE." I am displeased. I tell him so.

Yes, I'm a pretty good speller, az u can n see.
But I shake it off, power through, and come back with "DAHLIA" for about 18 points.  

Take that, football star.

He steals my "DAHLIA" pluralizing it with an S and using the s to make "SNOW," thus earning something like 600 points. 

I hate him.

Despite my threats of violence, we keep going, using such scholarly vocabulary as "PERV," "PEES" and "WARP."  Our teachers would be proud.

Craig Gobel apparently has his own gott-dang dictionary, which includes the alleged words ...FER and GROD and TI. You might say, "FER, GROD and TI are in Webster's, Dawn - they ARE real words." But I've never seen them. Therefore, they don't exist.

I'm pretty sure Craig Gobel is just making shit up. Craig Gobel apparently has his own reference source, called the "Fictionary."

Craig Gobel cheats.

In the end, much time was wasted and many LOLs exchanged. 

And Craig Gobel, former classmate, football star, jock extraordinaire, beat the living snot out of me with a score of, like, 7,013 to 142.

Have I mentioned he cheats?

But I bet he's still smiling.

Well played, football star. Well played.


I promised you a chapter a week (or there-abouts), here's an excerpt of the chapter I wrote this week, "Reasons to Stay in the Closet"

". . . While eating, I thought of all the good times in my closet, where I might possibly also store some cookies at Christmas . . . a tub of frosting during the summer . . . maybe a bottle of wine when my mother visits. 

Do not judge me.

Emergency sugar, emergency wine - whatever. It's the secret bomb shelter of a middle aged woman.

Yeah, this closet is too small for clothes. But the size makes it a great mini-vacation for one - nobody bothering me, asking for things, taking my chocolate. It could use something in the way of cookie dough, so I'm thinking of putting in a little fridge . . . perhaps a wet bar. The conversation pit will go over there, past the Nikes . . ."

Stay tuned!


  1. I will play you in WWF anytime!! Love it & am thoroughly hooked!!

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  2. OMG, I died laughing during the throat punch comment. You are TOO funny, mah bdb. I have been specifically avoiding words with friends after growing up in a Scrabble Nazi house! I might have to reconsider now that I realize I can abuse my opponents while playing! BA HA HA. Awesome. And I'm so in on the closet!!!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I refuse to play these online word games. Everytime I try I start by thinking to myself, "Dude! This will be easy! I know TONS of words!" Then I play and two moves in I realize that I do know TONS of words, most of them I made up myself. Which, apparently, is against the rules or something.

  5. I will play WWF with you! They added it on facebook a while ago, so I can now finally cheat, I mean win, I mean play with you!

    And I say we add a twist to it... each has to have a drink in hand while we play ;)

  6. For how good I am at spelling, I stink at those games.

    Really. I'm totally not frodding you.


  7. I play WWF and know all the bullshit little 'words' that are great bailouts and point scorers. qat, qadi, xi, zed, etc. Bretthead on there if you want me to pummel you.

  8. I play WWF, too! By the way, THE BLOGGERS' FICTIONARY is the name of a book I published on Kindle!

  9. I play WWF, too! By the way, THE BLOGGERS' FICTIONARY is the name of a book I published on Kindle!

  10. Is this "Craig from High School" person real? Or is he a "friend" you found on Craig's list? ;)

  11. Everyone who beats me on wwf are obviously massive cheaters! And bastards. Yes, they are most likely bastards as well.

  12. I am with Pearl on the stinking at word games. Now if you need someone for Trivial Pursuit...

  13. Kerbi - I can see how people get hooked. I am quite adept at wasting time, though, and don't need any more vices, for sure.
    MTM - You're welcome in my closet anytime! Bring a sixer of domestics!
    Martha - That's exactlyl what I thought. Dude! Easy! Yeah...not so much.
    Bobo - I don't really want to play anymore, but I like your "twist" on playing.
    Pearl - you frod me all the time and you know it.
    Wow - If anyone knew all the bullshit ways to cheat, um, win, it'd be you, buddy ;)
    Eva - Fictionary! Great minds. I will have to look it up, my friend!
    Lisa - Nah, he's totally real. Totally a nice guy. And totally a cheater.
    Candice - Craig's always been a great guy. I felt bad cussing at him and threatening him, but he deserved it with the FER GROD and TI. Come on!
    RJ - I used to be GREAT at Trivial Pursuit, believe it or not, back in high school. Now? Not at all. Not even close.

  14. I'm playing Words With Friends on BOTH my Facebook accounts. In fact, I'm playing five games with one person. It's an addiction, but a hoot.
    Which is at least six points.
    Unless I can find a Triple Letter, Triple Word, Double Letter, or Double Word.

  15. I always love the pace and edgy wit to your writing. Both parts of this post kept me laughing.

    I, too, was always the 2nd place spelling bee "winner but not quite." Damn the f*ers who took first place from us!


  16. I've lost one too many scrabble games back in the day to risk my self esteem with WWF.

    Also, you'll always be the first runner up in my heart.

  17. Never heard of it.

  18. Al- then I bet you are familiar with FER, GROD and TI, and make liberal use of the "Fictionary."
    Robyn- Damn them!
    Vixen - If I am your favorite, I shall wear my 2nd place crown with pride.
    Trav - Now you have. Most educational, my blog.

  19. WWF is such an addiction that I refer to it by the acronym, NOT the entire "Words With Friends."
    I've learned so many new words because of it, too. Not that I know their meaning; it's just that I can get a lot of points with something like "khi." And that's the important thing.

  20. Gawd, I love a storyteller and am, therefore, very glad I popped over here through Pearl's site. Because WWF occupies at least of 6% of my daily thinking time, and what I'm thinking about with relation to WWF is if the people I'm playing against are cheating.

    They have to be. I don't know people as smart as they pretend to be during the game.

    Anyhow, my high school talents eerily mirror yours, except I worked at an ice cream/corn dog/popcorn joint in the mall called Hipster Doogan.

  21. Al - Ooooh . . . Khi! *writing it down*
    Jocelyn - I guess there are WWF cheating apps? Must download. And I bet you, like me smelled delicious after work each night! Eau de Grease? ;)

  22. Well at least Words With Friends is kind of educational.

    Farmville is completely garbage. Grats on kicking the habit.

  23. The hell is Craig Gobel, George Gobel's brother?
    I know "loge". When we were teens we always sat in that section so we could smoke.
    The closet sounds cool, I'm not sure about the wet bar install though. Maybe dry ice.
    I'm supposed to be erudite and all but at scrapple I always have trouble. But still I win sometimes.
    Lighten', have a great big merry Christmas.

  24. Dwei - May not be educational, Farmville, but I still miss my cartoon cornfield. And cartoon kegs! ;)
    Anthony - Craig Gobel? Springfield Local class of 1987 football star? You've never heard of him? He has his own dictionary,called the "Fictionary."

  25. I've been banned from the computer but I had to sneak on and see what you're up to. Glad I broke the rules. You are a hoot and I can't wait to read more. Merry Christmas Dawn and hugs for the New Year.

  26. You should have tried playing "Shufflein" to see if it would take.

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