Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Paperclip, the Pants and My Ongoing Demise. Oh. And An Announcement.

(post copyright 2012, Dawn Weber)

Want to see my underwear?

Well, sorry - this isn't really that kind of blog. But if you had been around downtown Columbus the other day, you could have caught a peek, because thanks to a wardrobe malfunction, I walked around for several hours with my zipper down.

I wondered why I felt a draft.

I had popped a button on my pants. Thanksgiving FAIL.

But I wired them shut with a paperclip. MacGyver WIN!

Genius in the face of adversity? Or idiocy in the face of obesity? You decide.

Yes I did, I poked the sharp paperclip through the zipper and cloth, towards the soft skin of my bulging belly. I gave it my best MacGyver. But after 15 minutes of wrangling, twisting and cussing, I still saw sensible white cotton poking through the zipper.

There are times when I thank God I wear panties. This was one of those times.

While sitting there and kind of enjoying the cool breeze through the barn door, I thought about a lot of things. First off, the candied sweet potatoes that surely led to the demise of my pants.

Used to be I had two sometimes three full plates of food on Turkey Day, one for lunch, one for dinner and one for fourth meal. Also used to be I could eat two, sometimes three large bowls of sweet potatoes on Thanksgiving, and still successfully wear pants the following week.

This year, I was good. One plate of food. All day.

That's because, in recent months, I have blown up like a poisoned dog. Yes,  my metabolism has taken a plunging nose dive since late summer, and I have no idea why, and it's really pissing me off. I exercise five days a week. I lift weights.

For shit's sake, I RUN. Down the STREET. With NO ONE chasing me.

So there's really no excuse for my pants to turn on me in this manner, and the great tragedy is, these are my favorite pair, because they are made of what?

VELVET. Mmmm . . . velvet. 

We have discussed my love of velvet before. It's just like George Costanza, a.k.a. Art Vandelay, a.k.a. Lord of the Idiots always says:

I reminisced about all the good times in my velvet pants. Been together for years. Bought them at the Victoria's Secret warehouse sale. Wore them to visit New York in 2002, three months pregnant with my son, went to see Ground Zero and . . .

. . .Wait.A.Minute. Wait a gott-dang minute. 

These pants fit me . . .

. . . fit me when I WAS PREGNANT?

What the . . . W-F*CKING-TF is wrong here? 

You mean to tell me I exercise like a bobbing idiot, eat toddler portions, I'm way too old to be NOT at the present time pregnant thank you, God, and my pants are so tight they popped a button?


I kept sitting there, at work, pondering . . . wondering . . . why. You have a lot of time to think when your fly's open and you can't leave your cubicle.

And then finally, finally, FINALLY, it came to me. Clearly there is one and only one reason for this.

They shrunk.

In fact, all my clothes shrunk.I knew that new dryer was too hot.

Well, after all that very important, deep and meaningful problem-solving, you're probably wondering:

Do I still feel fat?


Do I feel middle-aged?


Did I take a picture of my blown-out pants?


Can you PLEASE see my underwear?

No way, perv.

But you can see my MacGyver.


  1. You mean you're gonna do it? Wooohooooo fandamtabulous! So proud of you. Will be more proud when the book is underway and then complete. I'm here for you, not writing, but still here.

  2. The next step for our favorite grelf! I have bought two blogger books so far and will soon buy another, a mutual friend of ours. And yes, I would buy yours too!



  3. Awesome!! I for one cannot wait to read the book!! Your posts always make me laugh & most times...I can relate to your story, which on turn is even funnier!! Write on my friend, write on!!

  4. You SHOULD write, and I'm glad you do. :-) Write that book, you silly, velvet-clad woman, and I'll be here to buy it.

    Love and Rockets,


  5. Incredibly funny post. I think serious writing in a blog is a mixed bag. On the one hand, it provides accountability, motivation, and helps maintain a more honest and less stilted voice. On the other hand, it can also provide a small amount of ego satisfaction that prevents taking it to the next level.

  6. You definately have the stuff to put out publishable material. So, you wanna' know the best line in this post? Well, it's the adversity/obesity line. The dungarees looked like a very small size. When these events occur, can't you use a long shirt or sweater? I mean to cover the McGyver. Or maybe a bosticher (stapler). Just trying to be helpful. OR: maybe wear underpants the same colour as your outer garment.

    Anyway regardless, I always enjoy reading your stuff. Hope you had a great thanksgiving and enjoy a great yuletide. See ya'.

  7. Girl, not only would I buy one for me, but for my friend(s) and family. I will miss your longer pieces, but I am patient and will love the suspense as long as you promise to delivah!! ;) Rock on, your brilliancy!!! Rock. on. Love the pants. They go great with the bag and new shoes, no?!

  8. I will read your book! I fully support you you may have noticed, I have been (I would like to say 'uneven' but the truth is) absent from writing....not highly motivated. The things that have been occupying my mind of late just are not for your average, everyday, snack....

  9. happy booky writey times! write it, if only for yourself. it'll feel like a goal reached when it's done and that, in and of itself, is an accomplishment, no matter what happens next.

  10. You gotta do what momma wants and needs in order to be happy! Good for you! I can't wait to get my hands on a copy! Congrats!!

    Debbie Chapman

  11. YES! Can I pre-order right now?

    Oh, and metabolism is a b!tch.

  12. You are so right about writing (hey, those are kinda like homophones...the grammar kind, not what Elton uses to call for pizza, either). I like to write here but would also like to put together a collection of essays. Obviously, I'd have to do some that means I'll be still talking about doing this in years to come. Maybe not...think of the money I could make on another book. After all, 'Shag Carpet Toilet' sold a couple.
    Don't sweat the zipper malfunction. I had one once and Little Al tried to make a break for it.
    Good thing I wasn't going commando.

  13. GREAT idea on the book!!! Awesome. Hey--at least you have pants with a zipper! No paperclip would keep my barn door shut--I'd need a bicycle lock!

  14. When the book becomes a best seller, I recommend you spend a few bucks on some new pants and maybe a dryer that doesn't heat so hot as to shrink them!

  15. Good luck! Comments are like crack for bloggers. Yet, you're right, blogging can be very distracting. You'll do great.

  16. Wanda - Yes, Imma gonna do it. First "chapter/essay" is already underway. Thank you for always being there for me. :)
    RJ - I'll be buying Pearl's book, too! Wouldn't miss it. Thanks for your support, buddy.
    Gretchen - Thank YOU for you friendship and support and awesome trips to Papa Boo's et. al. every summer. We have some fun, don't we?
    Pearl - You serve as a HUGE inspiration to me. Thank you for your sweet comments. This-here weirdo hearts you, and you know it.
    Bagman - Wow - really insightful way to put what I was trying to say up there, with the "rainbows and unicorns and shits and giggles." Seriously, I couldn't have said what I was trying to say better myself. And I didn't. lol
    Anthony - Yes, a longer shirt would have been the perfect solution. Too bad I was at work and ONE HOUR FROM MY HOUSE and closet when it happened. haha. Thank you for the support. :)
    Nurse Mommy - Thank you so much, dah-ling. I love those pants, too, and I've been eating veggies all the rest of the week. So maybe with a button and some dieting, I can wear again. Will keep you posted.
    Kerbi - I miss your writing. :) You've always been a loyal reader, thank you so much for that.
    Sher - You make a great point - even if nothing happens with it, I should do it for myself. Thanks, lady!
    Scrappy - Thanks, doll. Imma workin' on it!
    Linda - Pre-ordering? And chapter one just started? Marry me. (and yes, middle-aged metabolism is a bitch.)
    Al - Am I right? It's so addictive, this blogging, but I ended up putting my best stories out there. I spend 10 hours a day in a cubicle. I only have so much material! Oh - and I was one of the very happy "Shag Carpet Toilet" readers/buyers. You rock, Penwasser.
    Heidi - I think it's kind of a cool idea. I toyed around with putting all the chapters up for a ltd time, but I think that would be shooting myself in the foot again.
    Eva - Yes, I should definitely buy new pants. I just refuse to give into the next size up, ya know?
    Terri - Right?! Comments are the only paycheck we get. But they are enough. :)

  17. Excellent!

    Your stories are wonderful and I would line up to buy your book. A large part of that is the voice I've come to enjoy on your blog.
    Well done.
    Now go forth and create but toss us a bone every now and then. We'll be waiting.

    Hugs -Kelly

  18. Not only would I buy it for everyone I know, I'd pimp th ever loving shiznicky out of that book! You go!!! Do it. Do it. Now.

    Btw, hilarious freaking post. So not fair you're working hard and having to MacGyver your shit. i mean, I totally deserve my shit not fitting right these days! :)

  19. Kelly-thanks, dearie, and look who's talkin'! You are a MASTER of pacing and dialogue and I love reading your stuff. More, please.

  20. MTM- I KNOW! That's what truly, truly sucks about the whole thing. I exercise like crazy! I don't eat half as much as I used to. Middle age: Kill me now!
    And thanks for the offer to pimp. Pimpin' ain't easy!

  21. You go, girlfriend. It's your turn, babe. Go, go buy a new dryer and write your book! I'm cheering you on all the way.

    PS Great use of a paperclip too.


  22. Sounds like a plan! You'll do it! BTW love the color of the pants - fuschia?

  23. Oh heck yes. Do it. I hope it works, because I'm doing it too. I figure, the two readers who have read everything in my blog are just nuts enough to buy the book anyway, and the rest haven't read them all. And just in case I missed someone, I decided to draw pictures for all of them. What do we do this for anyway, if not to keep ourselves off the streets and lose a little money?

  24. Hi Murr - You're doing it too? And drawing pictures?
    Srsly, though, thanks for your input, because I've been wondering about this for a long time.

  25. You don't suck. Know why? B/C I don't read junk. You're just morphing. The most important thing for me and my blog is to have fun. If I ain't having fun, I ain't doing it.

    Got you in my reader...(he takes his two fingers and points him to his eyes and then points them to her eyes).



  26. Oh my gosh!!! This is HUGE! (that's what she said) I'm stoked for you! And YES. I will definitely buy it. Can I pre-request a signed copy? I'm being told by the squiggly red line pre-request isn't a work but eff it. I WANT MINE SIGNED!

  27. Ron - Blogging IS fun. Anyway, I have fun when I hop over to your place, you crazy nut. Thank you, my ol' bloggin' buddy.
    Vixen - Consider your copy - Signed.Sealed.Delivered.
    I'm yours.
    After all. A Dawn watches out for a Dawn. ;)

  28. I think a book is a fantastic idea!!Especially because I went and got one of those things you know...a JOB! And now I don't have the time to sit around the blogosphere to read blogs (sad!)or make the funny comment jokes (sadder!) or even write blogs about my knucklehead husband and dogs (saddest!).

    Having your book would give me an opportunity to read all your funny while I'm in the bathtub, or on the pot. Hey! That's prime reading time around our house!

    Good luck, my friend!

  29. Oh, Dawn, I was SO worried about you! You haven't posted in eons. Thank you, lady, and I'm really glad to hear from you again. :)

  30. It's not just shrinking clothes, I am convinced that gravity has gotten much stronger these past few decades. The evidence is clear.

  31. Your pants did exactly the opposite of what my bra does. Every so often I have to take a look at my near-naked self in the mirror and think "why the hell is there so much SPACE in my BRA!!!" Now, I could blame the washing machine... but that wouldn't be helpful. I think your pants and my bra need to network.