Monday, August 29, 2011

Crazy Bitch: A Bloggy Doggy Giveaway

(post copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)
Be sure to comment below to win one of two copies of "I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship: Hilarious, Heartwarming Tales About Man's Best Friend From America's Favorite Humorists," edited by Wade Rouse

Every day, I deal with a little bitch.

She's short. She's black. She's dangerous.

She is Suzie Q. Weber, Dog of Doom. Dark Streak of Holy Terror. Furry Weapon of Mass Destruction.

You remember Suzie - sure you do - from posts such as this and this. As you may recall, her hobbies include sexually assaulting stuffed animals, scratching visitors' legs to bloody ribbons and chewing pavement.
Yep. I know a thing or two about bitches being one myself, so you can imagine my glee when I received the request to review "I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship: Hilarious, Heartwarming Tales About Man's Best Friend From America's Favorite Humorists," edited by acclaimed memoirist Wade Rouse.

It sounded like a book about bad dogs. Clearly, I am just the person for the job.

Except I guess we shouldn't call them "bad dogs" these days, lest we hurt their "feelings." We should call them "dogs with behavior issues."

Don't you think so, Suzie?

Contributors include five of my current favorite authors: Rouse, W. Bruce Cameron, Laurie Notaro, Jen Lancaster and - perhaps most notably - Chunk. You know, Chelsea Handler's dog.

Chunk himself writes the book's introduction. It's shocking that Handler even owns a dog - she's merrily mocked both dogs and dog owners in past books. But somehow, she decided to rescue Chunk from an L.A. shelter on his last day of doggie death row. And, just like the rest of us dummies dog owners, he has wrapped Handler around his paw.

He pulls her around on the leash. He "takes big dumps" for Handler to pick up. He sniffs everyone's ass and usually their crotch.

Huh. Sound familiar, Suzie?

In "A Dog Day Afternoon," Cameron tells the story of his late dog Carly, who enjoyed rousting him from bed so she could go back to sleep. She begged for bacon. She barked uncontrollably at the neighbor. She took off down the street and delayed Cameron's column writing.

Suzie? What say you? Suzie?!!

Rouse writes of Marge in "My Best Paw Forward." Marge, who willfully ignored her  dog trainer's screamed commands and responded only to the high, lilting language spoken by Rouse and his partner, Gary. She much preferred commands such as "Itty-bitty-boo" (sit), "Dum-diddle-dum-dum" (come) and "Get-um-good-ums" (eat your food). Thanks to her language barrier, Rouse's beloved mutt Marge? Was soon a puppy school dropout.

Suzie and Marge are soul sisters. Obviously. Because recently, our girl also repeatedly ignored the obedience class trainer. She yanked me, pulled me and lunged on every living creature in class, making me a sweaty, angry bitch myself wild woman.

After four weeks of this torture obedience class, my arms and sanity gave out. And Suzie also became a puppy school dropout.

There goes eighty bucks I'll never see again. Thanks a lot, ya little bitch.

But my dog's and Marge's similarities got me thinking which is usually dangerous : Maybe Suzie just doesn't understand anything regular commands. Maybe she speaks Rouse-ese.

It was worth a shot:

Me (high, Rouse-y voice): "Suzie! Itty-bitty-boo!"
Suzie: *Blink*
Me (Still with the voice): "Dum-diddle-dum-dum!"
Suzie: *Stare* *Head-tilt*
Me (More voice. Kill me now.): "Get-um-good-ums!"
Suzie: *Yawn.* *Blink.*

Bah. It's no use. Suzie is a bad dog  has "behavior issues." She's certainly not alone: a good 85 percent of the dogs in this anthology are rotten have "behavior issues."

But 100% of the dogs in this book are loved. Anyway.

Oh, and Rouse? I'm writing all of Suzie's shenanigans down. So that we're, you know, ready for her chapter in your next "Bitch" book. Call me!

Because here at the Weber house, bitches be crazy.

Ain't that right, Suzie?
Rouse is donating 10 percent of his royalties from the book to The Humane Society of the United States. So grab your copy today. And comment below for your chance to win one of two copies! I will make my boy-child break from the Wii long enough to draw the winners from a Tupperware bowl, and I'll post these Tuesday, 9-6.


  1. LOL! Hilarious. I'm SO happy to be way past the crazy puppy stage. :)

  2. Dawn,
    I'm still laughing. When I showed my husband the cover of Wade's book, he said "Why didn't you tell me one of your Ermie friends wrote a book about you?"

    today at

  3. We never called Butler bad - we just called him retired.

    -Butler don't sleep on the couch! You're so bad!

    -He's not bad, he's retired.

    He also had selective hearing and liked to take himself on walks, so mother gave him an Indian name - Lone Walker. Very bad. I mean very retired...

  4. Great job on the review. What a great bunch of my favorite authors and a worthy cause. Almost makes me shameful that I gave away the "devil in the dog suit." Almost....

  5. LOL! Heck, the title alone is worth the cost of the book. Who wouldn't want that on their shelves?

    BTW, Suzie is adorable. And I say that only because she's not my dog. *grin*

  6. That was great! I laughed and cried. He had separation anxiety and every time we went out coming home was a new adventure.Crate? This 20lb pile of fur made Houdini look like an amateur! And anytime he encountered another dog he drew up like Snoopy encountering the Red Baron. He was a model student in behavior class (private lessons....didn't play well with others)which led the trainer to say over and over that there are no bad dogs only bad owners! I lost my 'bad dog' a few years back but your wonderful blog brought back some vivid memories!

  7. I have 99 problems and a bitch ain't one :p No dogs for me. Like kids I like them, but I like it even more when I can give'em back to their parents at the end of the day lol

  8. I'm always up for a dog read, being the owner of 2 bad ones, myself. Misery loves company.

  9. Oh, I just love it! I need reminders now of why I didn't like puppydom. As you know, Doodle's an old bitch now, & there are days when I long for reverse-aging. I didn't enjoy being jumped on, scratched, or licked all over & there were days when I had to swoop my children off the floor lest they be accidentally trampled as she literally bounced off the walls & ran tirelessly around our tiny apartment in a FRAP (frenetic random activity period.) I've said it before, my Doodle is the doggiest dog of all, & I'd seriously take back all the other craziness if only I never had to see her fall for no reason & wind up splayed on the foyer floor like Bambi on ice or watch my husband carry her 86 pounds up & down the stairs because she can't always manage anymore. I even use that high, Rouse-y voice to ask her if she'd like to go outside, but the old bitch is tired & her arthritic hip doesn't always cooperate, & I imagine her saying in a sarcastic Bea Arthur voice, "No, I'd really prefer to stay here & pee in my bed."

  10. Dogs like to think they're in charge. Unless we make a stop in at the Spine and Gut store on the way home, they'll always have us under their thumb. Er, dew claw.

  11. your pictures of your pooch are adorable! made me think of the wannabe seeing eye dog puppy i had when i was a kid who couldn't be trained & failed out of the program. poor, stupid, adorable dog.

  12. Me (high, Rouse-y voice): "Suzie! Itty-bitty-boo!"
    Suzie: *Blink*
    Me (Still with the voice): "Dum-diddle-dum-dum!"
    Suzie: *Stare* *Head-tilt*
    Me (More voice. Kill me now.): "Get-um-good-ums!"
    Suzie: WT Actual F?

  13. Great review! Can't wait to read this one... meaning, the parts that I haven't already read.

  14. Dogs are so entertaining, especially given they don't intend to amuse. You, my friend, don't cease to entertain. This book looks like loads of fun.
    Fingers crossed, as I post this comment.

  15. So funny! We once had a 200 lb. male Newfoundland who flunked obedience training the first time and was kicked out the second time for trying to mount the instructor. She did not have a sense of humor.

  16. Had a husky named Bandit. Third try at obedience school. All the dogs were to line up next to their owner and "stay". Bandit lifted his leg and peed on the dog next to us. That dog didn't move. That dog passed.

  17. I didn't comment to win something, I stop by because I like your writing.

    and your cute. in a ball cap!

  18. Oooh! I love dog books. I read A Dog's Purpose and really enjoyed it. I look at my (bad) dogs in a whole new light.

    They're not puppies anymore, thank gawd, but they are still a constant source of amusement around here.

  19. My father once said that boats and swimming pools are always better when someone else owns them. Personally I would add dogs to the list. I am not a big fan of the creatures.

    EVERY neighbor in our neighborhood owns one, and EVERY one of our neighbors is completely DEAF to the sound of their own dog barking. Why is that?

    I make one exception to my issue with dogs, though. This video went viral on YouTube so many of you likely have seen it. But if not... enjoy!

  20. Can't wait to read Wade's book! We hired a "behaviorist" for our dog and she basically said "Forget it, your dog is smarter than you guys are." She was right.

  21. Love, love, love Wade's books and I think this one looks hilarious. Jen Lancaster is another one of my favorites, and you KNOW Chunk has some stories to tell!!

  22. I am looking forward to a funny dog read. My doggies are way past the tearin'-it-up stage but once in a blue moon my 14 1/2 year old female chocolate lab will find the hip strength to try to hump my 13 year old (male) golden. Good times. Kind of feels like watching nursing home porn. Do they make that? If they do, they totally should not. Great blog!

  23. I HAVE to get that book now. Jasmine said she would like to contribute next time and wonders what Suzie sees in asphalt (tried it, yaked it up, ate some grass--not so good). Great review, Dawn!

  24. Awesome!

    I met Wade Rouse at the Erma Bombeck Humor Writers Convention two years ago. Little tidbit for ya.


    Looks like a great book.


  25. My dog is a son a bitch. Does that count?
    Well, he did have his little boys lopped off several years I guess that would make him an "It" of a bitch.
    Hmmm....his little "orange helmet" does come out to say "howdy" every so often. How useless is that organ?
    But, who am I judge?
    I have an appendix.

  26. As always, this made me laugh. What's more, it made me glad I do not own a dog, but instead, three cats... one of which is a "porch cat" and two which we lay actual ownership claims to. Does it count if the biggest, fattest, laziest and most adorable of the two "real" cats THINKS he's a dog?? :)

  27. We've gone to the dogs. sigh.
    Depending on the day, we call our fuzzy bundle, Lover Boy, Choppers, or Little Focker.

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  29. I didn't comment to win something, I stop by because I like your writing.