Thursday, April 21, 2011

Crappity-Crap. New Puppy. All My Fault.

(Post and photos copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)

Sh#t. My dog does.

Every two hours.

She's adorable, though. And if you're going to crap yourself, cuteness helps.

Here at the Lighten Up Center for Useless Information (LUCUI), we have a theory about this (of course we do). Baby animals are irresistible so that someone will clean up their poo. And put up with their wailing. This ensures survival of the species.

We have our own new little mess machine. Her name is Suzie. She's a two-month-old, mixed-breed mutt. As you can see, I put quite a bit of thought into the decision to adopt a dog:

Dawn: Sees Puppy.
Dawn: Sees Big Brown Eyes! Twee Furry Face! Pouchy-Pup Belly!
Dawn: *MELTS*.
Puppy: Sees Dawn *YAPS!*
Dawn decides: Puppy must live with her. Now.
Puppy: *YAPS!*
Dawn: Picks up Puppy to take home
Puppy: *YAPS!*

And that? Was that. According to the husband, this is my usual method of choosing pets.

"You see a cat, you bring it home," he says. "You see a dog, you bring it home."

You'd never know Suzie is a pet. To hear all the conversations at our place this week, you'd think we had a newborn human baby:

"Did she eat yet?"
  • This is very important information. Because the timing of the food is directly related to the timing of the poo. We must enforce strict schedules - Suzie doesn't particularly care where or when she makes a deposit. But I care. I care a lot.
"Did she poop yet?"
  • Again, with the schedule. The last poo is directly related to the timing of the next poo. Because sh#t happens. In Suzie's case, it happens EVERY TWO HOURS.
"My God! Get that outta her mouth!"
  • What an advanced palate has our puppy! Safe to eat? Suzie says yes! Yes, please! To electrical cords, Legos, my son's underwear, flip-flops, tissues, my underwear, fingers, toes, the husband's underwear...Edible underwear? They are now.
"Uh-uh. No way. It's YOUR turn to get up with her."
  • Getting a puppy was my idea.This comes up often. It comes up at 12 a.m., 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Comes up EVERY TWO HOURS. She whimpers from her crate, the husband's foot creeps under the covers to my leg and...*KICK.*
    I've had smarter ideas.
And I should have known better. I've been through this before.

But...but...

The Big Brown Eyes! So precious! While yapping in the crate...
The Twee Little Furry Face! So adorable! While chewing holes in socks...
The Pouchy-Pup Belly! So irresistable! While producing more poo...

Yep. Babies are cute for a reason. I've said it before, I'll say it again.

God - He's no Dummy.

34 comments:

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Love your method for choosing a pet! I see that sleeplessness and poop-duty haven't impaired your ability to be hilarious. Love it.

Linda G. said...

LOL! Making them cute is nature's way of ensuring we don't kill them. Same thing applies to kids. ;)

Milsek Furniture Polish, Inc. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Special K said...

So true! They are cute for a reason!

laughingmom said...

This is why I don't go into pet stores or enter any building that has an "adopt a pet" staged outside of its door!!!

Oilfield Trash said...

I agree with Linda on this one.

bobo said...

Wow, at least you can sort of time it. I bet some people would be able to be regular.


Hmmmm I'm hungry.... gives Dawn puppy dog eyes... ;p

Dawn in D.C. said...

OMG! How cute! And now, I want a puppy, too. Thanks. Because I for sure cannot have a puppy. The husband isn't all that fond of the two we have right now, being as how one of them (Phoebe) chewed his Ohio State baseball cap. Geez, it's not like he doesn't have 20 of them, but whatev.

Good luck with puppy poop duty!

barbsblast said...

"God - He's no dummy" love it, there's a theme!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous post.

And every word true!!!

Should be required reading at every animal shelter.

'Course, that might make the adoption rate slow down, and we don't want that.

But if we REALLY knew what we were setting ourselves up for, would we REALLY do it?

P.T. Barnum sez, "Yes!"

There's a sucker born every minute, ya know!

Eva Gallant said...

He is positively adorable. But having been there, done that, far too many times, I am now immune to such charms!

Chris M. said...

loved this blog we have all done it and they are so cute. thank you for reestablishing memories...

Ms. Blasé said...

Oh, those puppy dog eyes. Your best bet is to turn away and to do so quickly 'cause they're like kryptonite. They'll weaken you every time :)

SherilinR said...

i think that's why God made babies cute too. otherwise we might be inclined to be more mad when they poop or puke on us.
i get like that with cats. need a kibby, need a kibby, need a kibby!

myinnerchick.com said...

Oh, yes,
those little furry creatures are directly from heaven.
Too bad they need to POOP :) !!

Ami said...

Aww. A poopy. Er, puppy.

I love dogs. But I will never get another one.

Christy Lee said...

But Suzie is sooo cute! My hubby always tells me I would take in anything that no one else would...you know, the one-eyed cat, the 3 legged dog, etc, etc....he'd probably be happy if I just got a pooping puppy. Hey maybe I'll try that! Happy birthday!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

I regularly refer to myself as my dog's Mom. I often wonder what happened to me when I adopted a dog? I totally love the word twee, too. It's not used enough.

Audubon Ron said...

Welcome to the club of Poo. You adopted a dog, god for you. Sh';s cute.

Jen Has A Pen said...

Like you, I'm a sucker. How do they do this to us?!?!?! Such con artists. I can completely relate to the timing thing. We had a litter of dachshund puppies not long after George and I moved in together. We have five of those adorable devils. Once they hit about 4 weeks and Millie (the mother) stopped cleaning up after them, we did our best to get them on a schedule where we didn't have to change out their towels, newspaper and bedding 20 times a day. It was a struggle and after about 3 weeks, when they were nearly ready to go to new homes, we had it mastered. Of course. :-)

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

LOL funny post! Before the baby was born, I had 2 cats. And at any point in time for about 4 years, I always had 3-6 cats/ kittens in the house, all rescued (and later re-homed). So I get you, I do! (thank god for litter boxes)

Stopping by from the LBS tea party, and will be back regularly!

Classic NYer said...

Haha, I totally hear you... I have no pets for the same reason I have no kids: my immunity to cuteness makes me an unfit caretaker. Don't get me wrong, I love kids and puppies... as long as the poop is somebody else's problem.

Carli said...

I work full time as a dog trainer and I LOVE hearing your detailed description of how you came to adopt your puppy. And it so true that puppies are cute so we don't kill them when they destroy our stuff and turn our lives upsided down.

Stopping by from the Tea Party :)

Savvy Working Gal said...

Congratulations on your new puppy. My husband trains dogs, so I can sympathize with you. I’ve cleaned up more than my share of poop. Most of which occurs right after you’ve taken them out, but it is so fun to watch them learn. Remember tons of sits. Good luck.

Also stopping by from the tea party.

twoweekworship.org said...

Oh I'm such a sucker for a cute fuzzy face - you should see my husband! lol. We have two dogs who are spoiled rotten. :)

Ashley said...

Yeah, I definitely don't need a dog right now. It is just like having a baby. Thanks for the reality check. But they are sooooooo freakin' cute it, it is very hard for me to resist for long.

PencilGirl said...

I believe that's the only way one can chose a pet.. :) :)
And I totally agree with your theory.. God really is no dummy! :D :D
I really want to have a dog, but I live in an apartment, and I don't think a dog should be subjected to that.. :\ :( :(

I've passed on a couple of awards to you.. I'd love for you to accept them.. :) :) Congrats and happy Easter! :)

Karate Los Angeles said...

Well, let's hope that it's just a phase. Although, my heaping pile of cute is almost 7 now and I still want to kill him half the time! Good luck!
-Ava

Candice said...

We had a puppy once and I'll never do it again.

Complete and total destruction, I tell you.

F that. I'd rather have twins.

On the other hand, puppy breath sure does smell good!

One Bad Pixie said...

There is a reason all baby animals are cute...

And there is a reason some species eat their young...

Me said...

Nothing like the smell of a puppy.The head end that is.
Nice post.

Miss Muffy said...

I'm spose to get ready for girls' night out but I couldn't stop reading just yet! GIRL! I can so relate to this! LOL Good luck with the new baby. Yes, baby, it can really be just as... umm... big an adventure!

Craziness abounds said...

If anyone has ever had a puppy they are feeling your pain right now! I was a dumby and got two fairly close together. My husband says the same thing except he now adds..."I better not come home to another animal" lol

Laura said...

What an adorable puppy! They are irresistible. Like baby goats.