Friday, October 29, 2010

Born to Be...Behave? Blah!

(post copyright 2010, Dawn Weber)

Sometimes? Bad is so good.

Yep. If it feels good, tastes great or is regularly enjoyed by Kid Rock, you can guaran-damn-tee it's bad for your health.

You know it's true. Are you eating gobs of great food? Drinking bottles of fine wine and beer? Riding fast, the wind in your hair?

Better call an insurance agent. You're probably in the process of killing yourself.

Take pizza, for instance. No, don't take it - give it all to me. Now. Don't mess with me. I am from Youngstown, after all. I know - and love - the pizza-pie.

Thick crust, gooey cheese, spicy's late - but I don't care. The later the hour, the better it tastes.

"I will make you happy, melt your cares away," whispers the pizza. "Eat me."

Of course, it contains eleventy billion calories and grams of fat. Consumed in excess, pizza can cause clogged arteries, giant asses, or, worst of all, Kirstie Alley.

But that's no fun. Let's not think about that now.

Instead, let's think about motorcycles. Helmet? We don't need no stinkin' helmet. How can you feel the wind, the air, the freedom with a big fiberglass egg on the head?

"You've been cooped up in the office all week - let's go," purrs the Harley. "Ride me."

And it's all badass,  "Born to be Wild," and bandannas.

Until the bike wrecks and the noggin slams the pavement. Wind? No wind in the hospital. Freedom? No freedom in a casket.

But that's no fun. Let's not think about that now.

Let's think about beer. *Homer Simpson voice*

"You've had a rough day, a tough life," says the beer. "Drink me."

Bubbles tickling the throat, worries disappearing - nothing like a bottle or six at the end of a long day week.

Again, too much beer can cause situations. Like hangovers. Babies. Or - horrors! - Dancing White Folks.


Why is this? Who came up with this plan? Amazing, heady experiences that trip the trigger and surge serotonin can kill you faster than you can say 'dopamine.'

I guess that, for humans, it comes down to survival. We have to behave - somewhat. Because left to our own hedonistic devices, we'd collapse in a writhing, obese, strung-out heap.

At least, I would.

Still, it's too bad that we can't run around, always eating pizza, drinking beer and doing risky things.

They call that college. Most of us are lucky to have lived through it.

So I'll plop myself on the couch, with one maybe two glasses of wine and some bagged lettuce. Again.

Such excitement. I can hardly stand it.

They call that adulthood.



  1. LLOL! SO true. Love the talking pizza (I definitely believe in listening to talking food)! Being an adult sucks--thank Goodness for your blog! ;-)

  2. "Glass of wine and bagged lettuce"...mmmmh. What a night!!! You know how to live it up! :) Great blog!

  3. I want Pizza but the tummy says know. What the hell does it know anyway?

  4. Ugh! Bagged lettuce really took the fun right out of this post. Bleh! I had nachos for lunch with a dessert of quesadilla and Coke. And yes, I can feel my arteries clogging as I speak. Type. Whatever.

  5. I was right there with you, except for the motorcycle. I'd prefer a sports car. But, alas, I eat my veggies, drive my little AWD RAV4 and have an occasional glass of wine! And THANK GOD that my kids are all post-college years! Great blog!

  6. Nice article. very interesting, thanks for sharing.