Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Beware the Sunscreen Nazi

My children complain, loudly and vigorously, that they're the whitest kids in class.

That? Would be my fault.

Because look, across the yard - here I come! More annoying than Coppertone in the eyes! Faster than a screaming first-grader! Able to leap small-ish dogs with sunscreen can in hand!

I am pale! I am pasty! I am...the Sunscreen Nazi!

No kid, spouse or casual acquaintance of mine ventures into that searing sun unless I have slathered them in a slick coating of at least SPF 45. Reapplied to complaining faces every two hours...

Used to be they'd see me with the ol' bottle of Hawaiian Tropic and take off running.

But they have given up. They are no match. They cannot get away from me and my trusty chemical weapon. Not a Weber? Doesn't matter. I've chased other people's kids around swimming pools with the SPF. I've chased grown men on lawnmowers with the SPF.

Watch out - I'll chase you with the SPF.

Aging, like shit, happens, whether we approve of it or not. We really don't need the blazing sun, wrinkling and killing us any faster than necessary. Just like Truvy says in "Steel Magnolias:"

"Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face."

Also, haven't you read 'The Reports'? The sun is the devil, people! Statistics from http://www.skincancer.org/ state that this disease is now the most common form of cancer in the U.S. In fact, there are more new cases of skin cancer than cancers of the breast, prostate, lung and colon, combined. One person DIES of skin cancer almost every hour.

Sigh. 'The Reports' scare the be-jeepers out of a professional-grade, nut-case-neurotic worrier like me.

Kids aren't much for 'The Reports.' My daughter, especially wants to know why, why, WHY! I won't let her tan to the color of Cheetos. Here are my Top Five Sunscreen Nazi Reasons to Slather Up:

5. "Leather should describe an accessory. A skin tone? Not so much."
4. "Today's bronzed, brown teens are tomorrow's wrinkled, chain-smoking barflies."
3. "I have already changed 3,559 of your baby diapers. The next person wearing diapers should be me. Not your melanoma-covered butt."
2. "A lady should carry a classic bag. Not become one."

And the Number One reason to wear sunscreen needs no words...

So! My kids, my husband and anyone else within my reach, will remain as pasty as possible. Little whitey-white breads. They'll complain, moan and gripe, and the Sunscreen Nazi will chase, pester and slather. I'll keep their faces as pale as their little white arses.

 After all, I want some grandchildren someday. The chase must go on.


  1. A woman after my own skin. You have indeed outdone yourself on this one. Who knew pastiness could be funny?
    (BTW - I read an obituary the other day. A woman in my own town recently died of metasticized melanoma. She was in her late 30's. If that doesn't scare you white, nothing will.)

  2. How sad, Wanda. So many people are in denial about this, even with their own children, and that's when they say the worst damage can occur.

  3. Dawn, talk about a picture worth a thousand words and wrinkles. Yikes. Did you notice her sagging boobs too? Joanie http://joanie19.wordpress.com

  4. I did not notice her boobs. Are they really there? I couldn't get past the car wreck of wrinkles.

  5. I was laughing out loud, until the photo. There are no words to describe the taste of bile that has forged its way up to the back of my throat from that viewing.

    Will someone give that woman an umbrella and throw her a towel or a mu-mu?! Gack!!!

  6. LOVE the photoshop picture! I'm with ya sista--sunscreen and plenty of it. I find, that the new coppertone SPRAY bottle, can reach children from 5 feet away (cause I don't run so fast anymore!). Funny (as usual)!

  7. I arrived at your blog via a series of other blogs and was compelled to read all your posts in one sitting. Absolutely hilarious, thanks for a good laugh!

  8. Val, how I love thee. Everyone, meet my new BFF - Val!