Saturday, May 8, 2010

What Would Brittany Do?

So you think you can dance?

Better check with your kids.

This all became clear to me recently, when I tried to pass down my, um, “moves, yo.”

Now, I am not afraid to shake what the good Lord gave me. So when “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot (“I like big butts and I cannot lie/you other brothers can’t deny…”) played on the radio last week and the kids started singing along, I figured it was time to pass along the legacy.

I began to dance.

My children (Combined: 18 months gestation! 42 hours labor! Untold missed servings of caffeine/other beverages!) had these loving comments:

Daughter: “Hey Levi, look at Mommy, - dancing like an Old Lady!”
Son: “Hee hee!”
Me: (Pulling out hipper, hotter moves) “Wait, guys! Watch this!”
Daughter: “Look at her! She’s still doing it!”
Son: (Doubled over) “Ha ha ha!….”
Me: (Sensing that they’re not feeling my Hot Mama genius, I totally break it down with my best stuff. )
Daughter: “She’s getting worse! Look - she’s sweating! Oh jeeeezzzz!!!”
Me: (Stopping) “Humph.”

Sigh. It wasn’t always like this. These two used to like me. Worship me, even. One of my favorite memories? Long ago, my toddler daughter mistook me for Heidi Some-Supermodel-Or-Other on the cover of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.

“Mama! Mama!” she said, pointing to the picture of Heidi.

Whoa, baby - time for the eye doctor! I was not, am not tall. I was not, am not leggy. And I was not, am not Heidi. What do we have in common? A pulse - and a monthly appointment with a hair-colorist.

Fast forward, six years later. My son, 3, was cuddled on my lap. We discussed his love life.

“So who’s your girlfriend these days, Levi?” I asked.
“YOU’RE my girlfriend, Mommy,” he said, with serious brown eyes.

Ah, the Good Ole Days. Now? What do I get from my darling cherubs? Mockery for not dancing like a complete, utter hussy. Nice!

Speaking of complete and utter hussies, I have to wonder - WWBD? What Would Brittany Do in situations like these? After all, Brit’s a dancer and a mother of two, too.

Let’s see…first, she’d drive to her concert with her toddler on her lap. For show-time she’d slither and strut stage-wide - dance moves meant for a strip-bar, not the eyes of 200,000-plus admiring tweens…

Wait a minute…Brittany Spears?! WTH, I mean heck, is wrong with me?! Things are pretty bad when you’re considering old Bare-Butt-Brit for parenting and/or dancing advice.

No thanks. I’ll stick to my Old Lady, 80s steps. After all, my moves embarrass my kids. And that’s entertainment - Mommy-style.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious -- I cannot lie. It's impossible for those of us of, ahem, a certain age to hear that and not dance. No surprise the kids aren't buying it, but just try to tell me Kanye is half as funky. Can't do it, can you? Didn't think so.