Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Perpetual Diet - FAIL!

That's it. I quit.

I'm going to go ahead and get fat. Who's with me?

It's time. I've been dieting since puberty, and you know what?

Getting fat anyway.

Eat/don't eat. Diet/don't diet. Junk food/healthy food... doesn't matter.

Getting fat anyway.

The Cabbage Soup diet. The Grapefruit Diet. The Liquid Diet. The Vegetarian Diet. The Atkins Diet. The South Beach Diet. The Alli Pill Diet. The Drive-An-Hour-To-The-Doctor-Who-Prescribes-Questionable-Diet-Pills-Diet.

Guess what?

Getting fat anyway.

Aerobics. Weight training. Yoga. Pilates. Yoga-lates. Walking. Spinning. Running. Swimming.

Come on - all together now...

Getting fat anyway.

Like many folks, I've put up quite a battle of the bulge. I've followed all the advice, all the rules. The scale needle goes nowhere - except up. And the older I get, the fatter I get, and the harder it is to do the things I'm supposed to do. Like move.

I am tired. I am hungry. I am...

Getting fat anyway.

I have a theory about all this (of course I do). My Petrified Bones/Ed Asner theory: We're all slowly turning to stone. Just like Mr. Asner - have you seen or heard that guy lately? Great man, great actor. Looks and sounds like a bag of rocks.

So it goes for all of us. We all morph into rock. Rocks are heavy, and eventually, we are, too.

Our bones turn to stone.

Looking for research to support my genius Ed Asner theory, I came across recent statistics from the CDC stating that 34 percent of adult Americans are obese. The CDC also says that's more than double the percentage of obese adults there were 30 years ago.

The hell? Thirty years ago, nobody - including Ed Asner - gave a flying fart what they ate. We ate bread 30 years ago. We ate pork 30 years ago. We put butter on EVERYTHING 30 years ago.

And, according to the CDC, we were thin...30 years ago.

Well, screw this starving bullcrap! I'll have what they were having.

So, Mr. Asner? Pass the butter. Because I'm...

...getting fat anyway.


  1. OMG Dawn. You Rock and have nailed this better than anyone else who has eaten....errr, I mean touched on the subject. I'll support you in your theory. Don't worry, I have the weight to back both you and me up on this one.

  2. If we all get fat, we'll all look normal. WIN!!!!!!

  3. WORD! Too funny, and you bring up an interesting point about what people ate 30 years ago and how they weren't fat! Must investigate further!

  4. I'm writing a book on dieting; I've lost 70 lbs and need a volunteer to replicate my weight loss. Interested?

  5. Oh, no fast food all the time is why we've gotten fatter.