Friday, July 22, 2016

I'm Packing and It's Not What You Think

(post copyright 2016, Dawn Weber)

There are certain words you don't expect to hear together.

“Mm . . . nothing like a good McDonald’s picante sauce packet!”

Those are nine of them.

They came from the cubicle next door. Thinking I'd heard things, I peeked around the wall and saw that my co-worker, Tim, was indeed sucking on a picante sauce packet left over from his breakfast burrito.

You may remember Tim from years such as 2014: my worried-yet-affable, possible zombie co-worker who regularly shouts things like “My skin’s melting off!” and “I think my brain stem just snapped!” After that, nothing he says could really alarm me.

And considering we were at work, sauce packet snacks aren't exactly surprising. The office is a veritable wasteland of sad, rejected food, a place where leftovers go to die a moldy, forgotten death in the communal fridge.

Hey. I do it, too -- I admit it. I eat a lot of questionable things in the office, and no, sadly, that isn't a euphemism for anything. The list of foods -- if you can call them foods -- I’ve consumed in my soul-killing cubicle ranks as nothing short of pathetic. Soggy salad, last week’s donuts, Halloween candy from the Bush administration -- for shit’s sake, I've eaten fruit at work. Now that’s rock bottom.

It's all because I’m a packer.

Yes, as it was in elementary school, so it is now: there are two types of people in this world -- buyers and packers. Buyers tend to have money, while packers generally don't, and I'm a packer from way back-er.

My husband, on the other hand, under the impression that we are the Rockefellers, dines out every day. He is a buyer, and for this, I give him endless grief.

“Well, well, well,” I say, perusing the day’s receipts. “I see you ate lunch out again today.”

He glares at me over his glasses. “I did. What about it?”

“Still. Wendy’s again -- and you bought a large pop,” I say. “What are we, the Kardashians?”

He rolls his eyes. “I had a burger and small fries. That’s not exactly fancy.”

I beg to differ, dear. I beg to differ.

And with the $8.99 he spends at restaurants several days a week, I could purchase any number of depressing food items. Crackers, cans of soup, clumps of grass -- you name it.

Sometimes I wish I could bring myself to buy my meals each day. But it’s been 40 years, and I am too far gone. Inside, I’m still a poor kid from greater Youngstown, and the proverbial steel mill could close at any time as I sit with my soggy peanut butter sandwich in last year’s Scooby Doo lunch box, while the rich kids stroll by with trays full of hot pizza and those amazing chocolate peanut butter bars.

Bastard buyers.

I guess I just can't see spending a mortgage payment on lunch each month when there’s perfectly good leftover green Jello in the fridge from my colonoscopy three weeks ago. I mean, yum.

Once a poor packer kid, always a poor packer kid.

Still, I think fondly of the husband’s delicious Wendy’s burger and fries now as I dine on said Jello, yogurt, and an apple, all of which taste like poverty. Misery. 

Disappointment.

In fact, pass that packet, Tim.

I am starving. 



16 comments:

  1. I am also a packer. The wife tends to be a buyer, but she's not too bad. Maybe I'm just used to her extravagant ways. I will treat myself about twice a month as working 45 hours a week to still feel poor is getting old.

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  2. I'm a buyer with food; I love to eat out. I'm a packer with clothes; I always check the bargain basements before I buy!!

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    1. I'm a packer with clothes, too, fishducky. Most of mine are from the thrift store!

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  3. I agree -- packed lunches (leftovers or otherwise) mean poverty and misery to me. I had enough of that as a kid to last me a lifetime. I didn't claw my way up the ladder to the middle class in order to keep packing goddamn lunches. That's why I'm a buyer today. Screw it, it's my luxury in life!

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    1. "Claw my way up the ladder to middle class." I love it! You go, Debra!

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  4. I was always a packer too cause I'm too cheap to eat out every day. But I'd buy lean cuisines and smart ones lunches, throw that in my lunch bag with an apple and some yogurt. Maybe bring a banana for mid morning. Occasionally a tupperware with leftover soup I made or some other leftover. It was OK....but then again I'm wicked organized and would have my lunch packed the night before.

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    1. I do the lean cuisine stuff, too, JoJo. Or as my old college friend calls them, "starvation in a box".

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  5. Sigh. We are both even cheaper than packers. If we haven't packed, we do without. And since we were not organised for most of our working life lunch was something we had after work. And called it dinner.

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    1. Wow! Now that is some serious packing, EC! I'm impressed!

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    2. That IS impressive, EC! I couldn't go that long without food, but my husband does it a lot. I send a lunch with him, but he's "too busy" to eat it and has it after work instead.

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  6. "Packer from way backer" ha, that's a good one. We all took lunches to school when we were young, mostly PB&J, but we'd relentlessly go after one kid who sometimes brought a tuna sandwich, because we could smell it clear into the classroom, from the lunch pail closet. I spotted a foil wrapped Hershey's kiss, here in my exclusion room at home, where the computer is and the cats are not. I don't know how old it might have been, but I snatched that from the crack it was wedged in, unwrapped and ate it. That colonoscopy jello you described is making me hungry. Think I"ll go see if there's anything left in the fridge, maybe under the vegee drawers.

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  7. I ate the same thing for lunch every damn day this week. Apple, banana, yogurt, granola bar, triscuits with sliced cheese and lots of water. I hate myself and I hate lunch time. Life is meaningless.

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  8. Also, what the HELL is up with that picante sucking coworker of yours? What an absolute weirdo. I want to work with him.

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  9. Packer here, too. When I was a kid I was such a picky eater my favourite sandwich was mayo and lettuce. Yep. Nary a protein in sight. Probably why I never got very tall. I'm lucky I like sandwiches and these days I even make sure they're protein-y.

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  10. Eating fruit at work definitely IS rock bottom. I prefer ice cream and chocolate for lunch. It may be wrong but it tastes so right.

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