Thursday, January 29, 2015

I Married an Amish Dude. Apparently

(post copyright 2015, Dawn Weber)

The husband's phone has broken. I'm beside myself with joy.

This means I can engage in two of my favorite pastimes: 1) shopping; and 2) looking at new phones.

I love cell phones. Actually, love may not be a strong enough word - I fantasize, lust and drool over them. Androids, iPhones, Blackberries, Windows, doesn't matter; I fondle and ogle all of them in equal measure. Over the past five years, I've owned no less than nine handsets because I cannot commit to a single model. There's always one out there with more to offer, and I simply won't be tied down.

I am the Elizabeth Taylor of smartphones.

The husband, however, is not a fan of phones, shopping or modern technology in general. Still, he seems pretty upset at the loss of his device, and he hands it to me in the kitchen with a helpless look in his eye.
“What do you think is wrong with it?” he asks.

I punch around in vain on the flickering display. “Looks like your screen's shorted out, which means it’s breaking,” I tell him. "It’ll be completely dead soon.”

“Oh. Well, where can we get it fixed?”

Aw. ‘Get it fixed.’ He’s so cute.

I’d bought him this, his first smartphone, on clearance for next to nothing not because I'm cheap - though I am - but because it was the only model offered with a slide-out keyboard, which Mr. Amish here wanted instead of a standard touchscreen keyboard. “Ack!” he said one day, punching around in vain on my iPhone. “My fingers are too fat! Where’s my slider?”

So, yes. The thought of getting a $40 phone repaired makes me smile. ”I’ll run to Target and get you a new one,” I tell him, handing him his failing Android.

“Don’t do that,” he says. “I’ll just use my old flip phone.”

Oh, here we go. I forgot how much he loved his crappy Obama phone; I could barely pry that raggedy thing out of his hands.

“No, you can’t use your flip phone,” I tell him. “Your phone company doesn’t support it anymore. Anyway, you have UNLIMITED DATA!”

I pause, so the magnitude of this can sink in. I do not have unlimited data, and my jealousy is palpable. “Do you even know how valuable that is? It’s like a gift from God!”

He looks at me, puzzled. “What do you mean ‘unlimited data’?” he asks. “What is ‘data’?”
Aw. 'What is data?' He's so cute.

“It means ‘internet.’” I tell him. “You have UNLIMITED INTERNET on your phone, unlike the rest of the free world. We’re all paying through the nose for even a few gigs of limited internet every month. You could stream Pandora constantly, if you wanted. I mean, you could watch Netflix! Like, all day long!”

At this, I have to sit down. I’m starting to swoon.

He pockets his failing device, and sits beside me at the kitchen table.

“I don’t have time for that," he says, shrugging. "Don’t get me anything complicated - I don't like all this fancy new stuff. I’m just a regular guy.”

I pat his arm. "That's a nice story, Ezekiel."

"Yep - the same old things are good enough for me." He reaches as if to take my hand, then sees an opportunity and slides around my arm for a quick boob-grab.  "Anyway, you should be glad I don't like change."

And he smiles then, because he knows he's right.

I hate when that happens.


  1. I think I must be distantly related to your husband. I'm still making mix tapes from vinyl records. I don't own an Ipod, I have no idea how to put music on a computer to burn a CD and you would fall down laughing if you saw my cheap $80 Smart Talk phone from Walmart. I can text, make/get calls and have very basic internet.

  2. I am your husband. my boyfriend is you. I'm the one still using the slide out keyboard, who complained the first time I bought a phone that had a camera in it because you could no longer NOT get a camera in your phone. Meanwhile boyfriend wants to upgrade each year.

  3. I had an android phone with the slide out keyboard because at the time I couldn't use the blackberry keyboard, too tiny. I am all better now. And at least he has his priorities straight. ;-)

  4. I love how you write.

    "Get it fixed." Ha ha ha. He IS cute, isn't he?


  5. So funny! Loved this post! And Ezekiel is more advanced than me if he has a smartphone and actually texts people. I use a flip phone and only use it to make -- hee, hee, get this! -- phone calls.

  6. LOL this had me laughing like crazy. I remember flip phones and when they were a big deal! My first cell phone was a flip phone. Good times :)

  7. I am your husband. My partner is you.
    I only need my phone to make calls, and very occasionally texts. It spends most of its days turned off.

  8. I get a call maybe once a week, if lucky. I loved my net10 slide out keyboard. Got it on sale for $12. I love it. I can prepay $25 a month for 1000 minutes and/or texts. In the end, I couldn't afford it though. I'm thinking I could attach notes to neighborhood cats and have recipients put out tuna and communicate that way. I don't think that is Omish. I do take showers.

  9. JoJo - Hey - ain't nothin' wrong with a good old fashioned mix tape!
    Yandie - I want to admit here and now that even though I love my iPhone, I really miss the slide-out keyboard of my last Droid.Even my fingers are too fat most of the time.
    Ray - Oh, he has his priorities straight alright! ;) Re: Blackberries - have to admit I loved those little keyboards too. The touch-screen keyboard just doesn't do it for me, although again - I love my iPhone.
    Pearl - Back at you, lady. You're still my favorite writer!
    Debra - Looks like most of today's readers own flip phones, and are possibly Amish. :)
    Optimist - Mine was, too, and I thought it was the bomb. Felt like I was on Star Trek!
    Elephant - As long is it's there when you need it, right? It's all good.
    Strayer - Ezekiel had a Net10 phone for a while, for one of his beloved flip phones. He loved it, said he had service everywhere. He is on Virgin mobile now, as am I (I switched back after I wrote this, when my Verizon contract was up). We pay $35/month for unltd data (Praise Jeebus!), text and 300 talk minutes. He has an Android with them, I have an iPhone with them. Best deal out there.

  10. It's a rare thing when a man is right, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. I still have a flip phone and charge it up every couple of months to see if it still works. I guess I just don't feel the need to be connected 24/7. Just call me T.Rex.

  11. Sounds like here-I hate replacing a phone I just learned how to do about 1/2 of what it is capable of doing and I am more than willing for my wife and/or daughter to go shopping for me (or to use one of their hand-me-downs)

  12. I use a flip phone. I'm a Jewish Amish girl, and I'd make for an interesting reality show.
    I like that your cute husband pulled the boob grab maneuver to distract you from running to buy an Android. He's a keeper.

  13. spouse even wears the funny hat to go with his luddite ways. I won't let him touch my technology because he clicks on everything and downloads viruses. Our home office computer is now in quarantine after he he fell for an online scam.

  14. We must be married to brothers. Husband wishes his had a rotary dial.

  15. Jono - OK. You're T. Rex. ;)
    Sage - It must be a guy thing, then. An Amish guy thing.
    Robyn - I'd never peg you for a flip phone user! Huh. And yes, a Jewish Amish girl screams reality show.
    Nana - I'd love to see the hat! Keep a close eye on him, though. Can't have him clicking on every dang thing!
    Carol - Could be! Do you have people in Ohio? Well, you do now.

  16. Oh sweet unlimited data. As a tech geek I'd give anything for that. How I took thee for granted back when that was actually a regular thing. Now, like you, I'm what we might call a "phone whore." I love them all and would collect them like a harem if I could. And the irony? I have one of the newest, most high tech phones you can get but I can't use it outside of the house without fear of going over my wimpy data plan.

  17. Shower Beer - You're about the first of my readers of this post that isn't a flip phone user. Phone whores unite!

  18. LOL! I have to admit, I'm somewhat of a Luddite about technology. I usually have to be dragged into anything new. But once I'm there I adapt quickly--I couldn't do without my smart phone now.

  19. How I love your writing! I was nodding my head in agreement all the way through-

  20. Linda - Exactly. Once you have Blackberry, you never go back . . . Barry.
    Shelly - So you must have married an Amish dude, too. Give my regards to Isaac!

  21. Usually, having a broken phone is frustrating. But because of your passion for mobile phones, it became an exciting task to do. I think of it as an advantage, because you know exactly what phone to buy for him that will suit his needs and personality. And speaking of which, what phone did you get him?

    Clara Brooks @ TelcoWorld

  22. Clara - I got him an Optimus (Android) a later version of one of my many previous phones. Ezekiel ended up really liking it! He's even *gasp* been playing games.