Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Adventures at Walmart. In the Restroom. Send Help.

(post copyright 2012, Dawn Weber)

This will come as a total shock, but I am not averse to a little male nudity.

No, I will not turn away from a nicely presented package - especially of the handsome young movie star variety - on the big screen or whatnot. The week "Magic Mike" premiered, I rushed to pre-order a ticket, just like many other females. Furthermore, I have been known to attend an inappropriate bachelorette party or two hundred

Yes, I am just your typical pervy red-blooded American woman.

But if I'm not careful, I'm going to end up as a registered sex offender.

Perhaps I should explain.

It had started out as a pretty good day. I'd just purchased some cute boots at Sears - on sale, even. Earlier that afternoon, I had achieved my dream of taking a nap. A sunny October Friday, close to 5 p.m., and I was looking forward to opening a nice box of wine.

Sunny day, cute boots, box of wine. Pretty much as good as it gets.

So yeah. I felt great, rolling into the Wally World parking lot to pick up groceries, prescriptions and said box.

Then I realized: I had to pee. Of course. I'm 43. If I am upright, I have to pee. If I am awake, I have to pee.

If I am breathing, I have to pee.

This dampened haha my happy mood a bit, because if there's one place more dubious than Walmart, it's the Walmart restrooms. The un-flushed toilets . . . the trash on the floor . . . the many women ambling their large, wide loads out the door without hand-washing . . . it's enough to send a OCD lunatic germophobe like me over the edge.

Still - my fate was sealed. I had to pee. Of course.

So I parked the car, pulled out a cart, doused it with sanitizer the way I do, and steeled myself for the seething mass of humanity I'd soon encounter. I headed through the doors and walked into the restroom.

And there they stood, in front of God and everybody and the women's room. Two men. Two sets of lowered pants.

Two super-soakers. Soaking.

I froze, the shock rendering me momentarily unable to move. My brain reeled. The hell? I couldn't figure it out, why they were urinating in the ladies' room. With a perfectly good men's room next door, for nut's sake!

As I said, I enjoy glancing at a nice six-shooter as much as the next demented gal. But first of all, I wasn't prepared. Have I mentioned this was Walmart? And also, let me tell you - these were no Magic Mikes.

More like Homeless Hanks.

In other words, your typical Walmart shoppers.

So I certainly wasn't sticking around for this particular movie. No sir. After a moment of dumbfounded stupefaction, I spun on my heel and rushed out the door.

And that's when I saw it.

Great balls of fire, I'd done it. Walked into the men's room at the Heath Walmart.


That's right. You read it correctly. I have done this before.

But it's not all my fault. I am not a sex-starved Alzheimer's patient yet - give it time, visiting the men's room for cheap thrills. No. 

You see, the Heath, Ohio Walmart has been remodeled at least twice in the last seven years, and the sick bastards who designed it this time flip-flopped the layout and put the men's restroom on the left, and the women's on the right.

Everyone knows the ladies' room at the Walmart goes on the LEFT, I cannot emphasize this enough.


I saw no more of the Hanks at the store. I had seen plenty of them, anyway. I quickly finished my shopping while pondering my dementia.

Later, I posted my faux pas on Facebook, and to my happy surprise, several females also admitted wandering into men's rooms. And my friend Mechelle, also not an Alzheimer's patient - or even a blonde - has walked into the Heath Walmart men's room. Twice. 

"I hate it when Walmart isn't consistent with their bathroom placement," said Mechelle, my new BFF.

After publishing this piece, I know I'll hear it again from the Target shoppers, the politically correct, the culturally elite, all about the evils of Walmart and how they NEVER go there because:

  • The corporation drives American companies out of business;
  • WM managers work their employees just under full-time to avoid paying benefits;
  • Many Walmart shoppers are half-nude, potential crackheads with questionable hygiene.
All true.

But, as I've mentioned, I grew up a relatively poor kid, outside of Youngstown. The metaphorical steel mill could close anytime, people. Best be prudent. And though I'm not financially challenged anymore, the experience has made me a notorious cheapskate and physically incapable of paying anything other than the lowest possible prices.

Crackheads - and bad bathroom placement - be damned.

Anyway, I'm in a perpetual hurry, our Target doesn't sell alcohol, and I just want to pick up my Lysol wipes, my prescriptions and my box of wine in one place, so I can go the hell home. I'm not at the store to socialize.

Unless it's in the men's room.



  1. OMG! You too. I hate when those Big Wiggers redesign my stores. Why just last night I was in a flip-flopped Walgreens and was totally lost. I ended up spending an extra $50 while trying to find my way to the Halloween aisle. I say we take the SOB flip-flop designers out and then take them out permanently.

  2. LOL! I hear ya, sister. It's not cool to mess with the restroom status quo.

  3. This hasn't happened to me yet -- but when it does, I'll be thinking of you.



  4. Stand back!!! The lady needs pipe!!

  5. Silly Dawn. You're not equipped to 'hang out' with the guys.

    I hate sprawlmart, but not because of the politically correct 'workingconditionstheytreatwomanlikeshitorderalltheirstufffromchina' way.

    I hate it because the people who shop there scare the hell out of me, and I try to convince myself that I'm different, that I am NOT one of them... But yet, there I am.

    It's a quandary.

  6. Do did they have big ones? And this reminds me of when I walked into a woman's bathroom because it said 'Chica's" and I was confused. The place was connected to a Hooters and there were Hooters girls changing in there. They all just looked up and kind of laughed as I realized I was in the wrong place.

  7. That was hilarious and I can see how you could make that mistake. Very inconsiderate of the Walmart renovators!

  8. i think those designers do it on purpose. there's probably a camera to record the hilarity from on high. they probably have a "best of" reel to watch during holiday parties. you're on it now. along with those hobos and their wieners.

  9. I had to shop in Wally Mart myself today.....for a doll for the grand daughter. You see, Target rolled into town and put Zellers out of business, Eatons closed down a few years ago, Sears hasn't got their toy section up and running for Christmas yet, neither has Canadian Trash and Can so what am I left with????? either a really expensive toy store or Wally Mart. Rats!!! However, so far, I've never wandered into the wrong 'room'. Just lucky I guess.

  10. The women's bathrooms are ALWAYS left. They are sick bastards-- what a scene!

  11. Thanks goodness I haven't yet had to pee while shopping at Walmart, 'cuz those urinals would be a little too high for me. I'd make a mess. That would be embarrassing.

    Happy Halloween and/or candy-crash, hon.

  12. Yep, been there, done that!

    When I was VP at the local high school I accidently walked into the wrong restroom and was so stunned that I immediately demanded of the startled student "Where's your pass!" He didn't have one.

  13. Sounds like another reason to shop online to me. There are no big crowds, no annoying lines, no confusing bathroom signs to have to decipher. .. Actually one of my big fears when I’m out is to accidently walk into the wrong bathroom. Luckily I haven’t ever done it- yet. Funny stuff, Dawn, I’m glad you made it out alive!

  14. Funny! I've never been in a WalMart. I have been in a men's restroom. Neither is/was intentional.

  15. Oh, buddy! That's rough stuff!

    I'll keep an ear out for you near the checkout - where all restrroms tend to be - by your signature cry of "ON THE LEFT!"

    I'll have a box of wine ready for you.

  16. Gale Cady WilliamsNovember 2, 2012 at 2:12 PM

    I did this once at the Zanesville movie theater - the restrooms that are inside the theater area - also a case of reverse doors.
    Even though it was - THANK GOD! - empty, I immediately suspected something was awry because the whole room smelled like a sea of pee, and the floor was actually wet with ... something.... I ran out, hesitantly looking to see if anyone was out there to see me, and again, luckily, not a soul in sight. That’s the first time I’ve ever done that, so I don’t know if that pee sea on the floor is typical, but if it is, I understand the males in my family reluctance to use public restrooms. Even though the women’s always has paper towels all over the floors and soap and water all over the countertops, the floors are relatively -- mostly -- pee free.
    Of course, that does not include the toilet seats, the condition of which may lead you to another column. They are almost ALWAYS covered in pee. .

  17. I can totally relate. Well. Sort of. Does it count as relating if I've purposely used the men's rest room because there are so many damn women in line for the ladies and the men's is empty anyway and if I seriously have to wait for all these effing women I'm going to have to squat in the sink to pee all Bridesmaids style. So yeah. I did it. What of it??

  18. Wanda - Exactly - and the Walgreens is SO dangerous for extra spending, what with all that awesome cheap makeup and As Seen On TV stuff.
    Linda - I know, right?
    Pearl - At least now you'll be on high alert to restroom flip-floppery.
    Trav - Apparently.
    Ami - We hate it, but we shop there anyway. Perhaps you, too, were a poor kid?
    Dr. Zibb - I was in and out of there so fast, although it felt like an eternity - I did not notice the size of Homeless Hank six-shooters.
    Eva - inconsiderate was definitely one of the words I used to describe the architects....
    Sherilyn - I have considered the potential of a camera, or at least how many times a day employees see it happen.
    BB John/Delores - See? Sometimes there's just no other choice. Just make sure you pee before you go.
    Heidi - The LEFFFFTTTTTTT!!!!
    Robyn - I hope I hve helped you here, to stay on high alert for restroom flip-floppage.
    Nana - Your story made me laugh out loud! Way to handle it like a boss!! HAHAHAH
    Master - you make a great case - and reminder for - online shopping. Thanks!
    Barb - The best part of telling all the world about this is finding out I'm not alone.
    Kana - A box of wine? I'm booking my flight to Alaska as we speak. I will visit and we will drink and shout ON THE LEFFFTTTTT!! at random.
    Gale - I didn't notice the conidition of the men's room - just the super soakers, soaking. Then I was momentarily blinded.
    Vixen - Like you, I have used the men's room by choice, when I am sure it is empty and I am under duress. Nothing wrong with that. That's just using your brain.

  19. Yes, I am just your typical pervy red-blooded American woman.

    I for one are glad to know they are still out there!


  20. Oh, this is classic! Please forgive me for laughing hysterically!

  21. Damn It!!! Did you have to say "43" like that? It makes me feel old to know I'm 14 years older than you.

    Hey look, I'm proud to walk in Walmart. I'm not all stuck up like those people who walk into -> Sams. It's just a Sams Walmart with a bigger box. I'm not one for pretense. I'm still a Piggly Wiggly hold out and pray each night for their return.

  22. RJ - I figured you would be ;)
    Paula - Please - laugh it up! I'm glad my glaring idiocy amuses folks. ;)
    Ron - I knew you were good people.

  23. I'm not all that jiggy with male nudity.
    I even close my eyes in the shower.
    So what if you walked into the Mens Room? At least you got to see where we all hang out.

  24. Oh my... a run in at the urinals of Walmart?? That kind of sounds like the bowels (ahahaha - get it?) of hell. I'm ashamed to admit I have made the same mistake - HOWEVER, I did not have the pleasure of seeing any peeing. Oh man, I think I need a box of wine. I'm cracking my own self up with this rambley weird response. I'll stop now. Funny post :)

  25. Too funny Missy, too damn funny!