Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Biggest Loser...Me. Finally Winning.

(post and photo copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)

Well! Slap me sideways and call me Charlie.

Sheen, that is. Because I am winning, ya'all!

I just found out that I'm a finalist in the National Society of Newspaper Columnists 2011 contest (Humor, under 50,000 circulation) for my "Lighten Up" newspaper column in the Buckeye Lake Beacon. This means I've either won first, second or third. How ya like me now?

Yep. Tuesday began like any other day- wake, kids, dummies in traffic, whatnot. Pounded away at my job, attended three boring the end of the day I decided to read all my Very Important E-mail:

  • "You Have Won Nigerian Lottery! Contact Barrister Abu Dabba-Doo With Bank Info..." - Ooh! Lucky Me! Quick-where's my bank statement?
  • "My Name Natalya I am Interesting to date with you" - Thanks "Natalya," but I'm not in the market for a Russian bride. Although, some days, a housewife would do nicely...
  • "Get a Bigger, Harder, Thicker..." - You know where this one's going...and I try to keep this blog PG-13. I try.
You can see here why I check my e-mail about once a week. Delete, delete, delete some more.

My finger poised over the DEL key, one entry caught my eye:

"Congratulations,"  Oh boy, I thought - more Nigerian Lottery. Great. My finger descended on the button until...

"After lengthy review, the Judges of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists annual conference have selected your entry as one of the finalists in category D: Humor in newspapers under 50,000 circulation. This means you have placed first, second or third in the category."

And then it went black.

I cannot believe it. I just can't. People, NSNC is Serious Shizzle! A Society  full of Very Important Past and Present folks: Heloise, Andy Rooney, the late Mike Harden, my buddy Jerry Zezima. Art Buchwald is in their Hall of Fame. Dave Barry was a past speaker at their conference.

Do these fine journalists at NSNC really want to include me? I mean, I cuss. Proudly and often, I shop at Walmart. I have been known to accidentally drink beer that is popular with crackheads. ("Steel Reserve" brand beer. Shut up. With the "Steel" title, I thought maybe it was brewed in my hometown.That's what I get, representin' for Youngstown...)

According to this email, NSNC wants to honor me with a prize. And maybe a little cash. Bonus!

I'm not used to winning - I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I am the world's most practiced loser:
  • Tried out for seventh grade basketball, 1982. Did I make it? Hell no.
  • Down to the last two spellers for the jr. high spelling bee. Did I win? Hell no.
  • Nominated for Class Clown, Best Personality and Life of the Party 1987. Did I win? No, no and HELL no.
That's just the tip of the bad luck iceberg, the things I feel comfortable discussing. And people wonder why I don't like Vegas.

Over the years, I became used to losing, to second or third place. Need an also-ran or a runner-up? I'm your girl - I'm always the proverbial bridesmaid.

Hey - that's OK with me. I'm still around, still kickin', and quite enjoying my five wee minutes of fame. It's all rainbows and unicorns up in here!

Also, you don't want to read my sad stories. I'm supposed to make you laugh. That's why I make nothing the big bucks.

So if you're looking for me around the end of June, I'll be in Detroit at the NSNC conference, busily trying to buy Dave Barry crackhead beer drinks in return for his pictures and autographs. But I'm not a stalker, Dave...*crazy eyes.* I'll find out on June 25, 2011 whether I win first, second or third prize.

Do I care where I place?

Hell no.

Because Charlie and I...

...we are full of shit WIN!


  1. Congratulations! That is AWESOME!! Go you! :)

  2. Good on you!

    (That's a military term I picked up from my years as a Coast Guard wife. Not exactly sure about the grammer and all, but the guys get all sentimental and pound each other's backs while they're saying it.)

    I'm thinking "winner, winner, chicken dinner!" thoughts for you.

  3. That is great! Congratulations!

  4. WOOHOO!!! Congrats! And maybe with the cash you can buy some non-crackhead beer or just more of it...

  5. Dawn, Dawn, Dawn! Congrats, congrats, congrats! You'll get even more congratulations after you are no longer a bridesmaid but a bride -- or at least the winner of the NSNC contest. I loved the column, especially those two special words, which are, of course, "Steel Reserve."

  6. Congratulations!!!
    Have you seen the movie, "The Jerk", with Steve Martin?
    For some reason, I am reminded of the moment when he finds out he's SOMEBODY!

  7. Here. I got you a link to the scene I'm thinking of:
    copy this:

  8. Congrats! You get much better e-mail than I do - I've never won the Nigerian Lottery!

  9. Still envious in Florida but so proud of you. I've not yet decided whether to go but am more tempted knowing you will be there. I could actually have my picture taken with a winner. You go girl. You deserve it.

  10. Absolutely YAY YOU! you very much deserve the honor! Congrats! You rock!

  11. And I can say, "I knew you when..." Totally deserved!!!

  12. Funny is "Winning!" And you are funny, funny! "Lighten Up" is a chummy, snarky delight! LOL all the way. Congratulations, Dawn.

  13. Keep this up and I'll have to say, "LOOK AT THE HEAD ON THAT ONE!"

    Srsly, congrats.

    BTW, the three greatest inventions were, 1. the wheel, 2. the light bulb and 3. Charmin Ultrastrong Mega rolls.

  14. Wow. I almost know someone almost famous!

    And for me, that's important, since I am, well, no one in particular.

    I look more important today because of you!


  15. Another great column, Dawn, and maybe one of your funniest yet. Congratulations on a well-deserved prize, woman!!

  16. *standing ovation*

    great job. Proud to be reading so well rewarded.

  17. since you're so award winning

    let me know what you think about this piece i wrote yesterday..thanks:

  18. Way to go!!! May 1st place be yours (and with it some cash!!)
    I'm following you back

    Michele aka MikiHope

  19. LOL! Congrats! Thanks for following Mommy Time Out

  20. Congrats! Cool blog!!! I'll definitely be back to read more :)

  21. You go, girl! You'll win this time.

  22. Nice job homeskillet! So was this for one specific column or for your overall contributions to the newspaper? If it was one particular column, can I read it? Link me up or email me!

    No matter where you are finish, it is clear you are really good. Congratulations!

  23. Dawn, Dawn, DAWN!!!! This is the day I shall celebrate!!!! With you, of course. :-)

    What a total honor! I am so happy for you. You might not have the same "poise" as the boring, stuffy, journalismy types, but honestly, everything you write is full of such character and energy and sincerity. You deserve it!!! So happy for you!

  24. Winners use Charmin. Fact.

  25. Congratulations! I am passing by and following you back from Please pass by and link up for Monday Mingle. I look forward to seeing you there!

  26. Congrats! You must be very proud. New follower ;-)

  27. Heeeey Guuuurl!
    CONGRAT-U-EFFIN-LATIONS!!! That's really cool :D
    So happy for you.
    (Modified *clink* - I just tapped my Rainier tall boy beer against your Steel Reserve.)

  28. Raises a glass of pixie potion goodness and offers my congratulations to the party.

    Good thing you did NOT delete the email. Some of them look fishy and promise big things, like stealing you blind, viruses and other stuff. Glad this one was the real deal!

    Rock it girl!

  29. Wow, found your blog just in time to watch take off on your torpedo of talent tour ala Charlie S! Many congrats from you latest follower!

  30. You're a Win-a. Much deserved. Congratulations!

  31. Yay.. don't forget us little people...

  32. lol crazy nigerian spams...they are everywhere!

    I have followed your blog..Could you follow mine too please? Also check out my guest blogging contest to see if you are interested!

    Sky Stock Analysis

  33. ON behalf of the Society of Beer Drinking Bridesmaids, I want to heartily congratulate you on your WIN!!! And when I say WIN, I mean not only have you won for your own almost class clown self, but you've won for all of us holding court in fourth place in life!!

    Seriously? You so deserve this! And if they give you any less than first place, I shall promptly squish them with my muffin top and my empty Mich Ultra cans!

  34. Thx to all of ya'all! I so appreciate it. I still can't believe it. So blown away!!

  35. So what if I'm 12 days late in offering you a hearty congratulations? CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    I think Dave Barry is hilarious too and was pretty disappointed when he retired from the Washington Post Magazine a few years ago. But Gene Weingarten does a good job "covering" for him. I think they're both awesome humor columnists!... and in dire need of a female (YOU) to give them a run for their money!!!

    I'm rootin' for ya!!!