Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Knowledge and Wisdom. As Seen on T.V.

I am full of bullshit valuable information.

Yes, this is a blog filled with hard-hitting journalism. Sometimes, I wonder why people don't ask for my opinion more often. I mean, look at me:



Clearly, I am loaded. With knowledge. And stuff.


Far be it from me to withhold this wisdom from you. No sir -- I'm a giver. So here at Lighten Up!, I have written three tons of posts on very vital, useful, As Seen On T.V. topics.

Such as the Dairy Queen Blizzard Maker:
Well spank me sideways and call me 'fatty'! Where's my debit card?


Spank me sideways and call me 'Maria'! Add El Toro tequila (red plastic sombrero included) for the world's skinniest, cheapest-azz margarita.



And, how can we forget the GoGirl! female urination device:
Spank me sideways and call me 'Don.' Because sitting down to pee was KILLING me! Where's my debit card?

I don't just keep readers informed about the latest, greatest products, no - I pass out nuggets of knowledge, too. I am so full of this type of shit intelligence that a couple of my fellow bloggers, Robyn and Iris I pimped you gals! Pimpin' ain't easy! have given a name to my pearls of wisdom. Ladies and gents, I present to you --  "Dawn-isms:"

  • Motherhood: the end of a perfectly good body.
  • Smartphones: because no one should be bored on the toilet.
  • Football season: a damn fine reason to go shopping. Every Sunday. For four months.
  • Dishwashers: proof of God's existence.
  • Broken Dishwashers: proof of Satan's existence.
  • Prozac: It's what's for breakfast.
  • Ohio: Just keep flying over - you ain't missing anything.
  • Mike Rowe: Come here, handsome. I've got a Dirty Job for you, Mike Rowe.
  • Adulthood: the end of a perfectly good time.
  • Life: far too short to live in Ohio.
  • Cheap beer: causing Dawn's dubious dancing since 1987 or 1986, maybe '85...shut up.
  • Reality: always a buzzkill.
  • Staff Meetings: Yes. You CAN sleep with your eyes open!
  • Pedestrians: the other white meat.
  • Breastfeeding: the end of perfectly good boobies.
  • Merlot: keeping Mommy sane since 1997.

I got a million of 'em. And really -- you don't have to thank me for all these insights. Just send money -- lots and lots of money -- then spank me sideways and call me 'Rich.'

Where's your debit card?

27 comments:

  1. ha
    just to let you know, I read Dawnisms
    before it went away!
    and now mysteriously it appears!
    good stuff

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  2. There's your first million dollars--Dawnisms! Remember the guy at EBWW who wrote about white people? One...great...idea. You're hilarious.

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  3. Should I have stopped breast feeding???

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  4. How about if I just spank you around the room?

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  5. Well, spank me sideways and call me "hyena," because I'm laughing to hard. ;)

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  6. Hi fatty maria don rich.

    You need to write a book of Dawn-isms and send me a free autographed copy, cause I'm a mooch. :p

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  7. I had some of these wrong:

    Smartphone: Portable porn device
    Football: Church
    Dishwasher: Wife
    Broken dishwasher: Ex wife
    Ohio: Giddyup
    Cheap beer: Foreplay
    Breastfeeding: You had me on breast.

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  8. Dawn, you silly thing!

    :-)

    Pearl

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  9. So, that's why I need a smartphone!

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  10. ~Staff Meetings: Yes. You CAN sleep with your eyes open!
    ~Pedestrians: the other white meat.

    These are just a few of my favorite Dawnisms. Life wouldn't be the same without them.

    Happy thanksgiving and thanks again for the shout-out.
    xoRobyn

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  11. Everything but that Go Girl thing. Glad you told me about it, though. Because I might have thought it was some kind of pink "Ear Horn" device. Or a megaphone. For a dude with very small lips.

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  12. Would love to see the book, Dawnisms!
    Childhood: The end of a perfectly fine time in the womb.

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  13. I'm stuck trying to figure out how that tiny little Go-Girl canister is gonna hold all of what comes after 12 Quarts of Walmart Margarita mix.

    Young Lady you are messing with my head.....

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  14. I just need to state, for the record, that I called "Dibs" on Mike Rowe years ago. If he is gonna do something dirty with a Dawn, it's gonna be this one! I'm just sayin.

    Everything else? Very funny!

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  15. I am thinking of changing my name to Mike if it will attract a few Dawns!

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  16. R.J. - Yeah, I was dinking around with the title, posted it twice under a different name. Sorry about that.
    Heidi - I remember the "White People" guy. Maybe I could be "Rich," huh? ;)
    Nix - Most guys never stop.
    Ron - Only if you make me dinner in your wok first ;)
    Linda - I mean, hyena - Glad to provide this public service.
    bobo- Oh, I've missed you. Your book is free anyway.
    Wow - Dishwasher: Wife?!! I see why you're single.
    Eva - I thank you, milady.
    Pearl - I AM silly. So true. :)
    Ruth - Smartphones are the single best invention of the last ten years. You'll never be bored at work or on the can again.
    Robyn - Thank YOU for naming them!
    Penwasser - Small lips indeed.
    Barb - I'd love to see any book with my name on it ;)
    Marlia - I do what I can to mess with your head.
    Dawn - Oh no you did'unt! Mike Rowe has "Dawn W.'s next husband" written all over him.
    R.J. - I mean, Mike. Happy Thanksgiving :)

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  17. I don't quote people often. As a matter of fact, I ONLY quote Oprah... and you. :-)

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  18. My debit card is going to be kept far away so I don't buy that urinary kit and gift it to a male "friend" I despise.

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  19. Jen - Me? In the same sentence with Oprah? I am truly honored.
    DWei - Do it! Buy it for him!

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  20. I'm still looking at the "easy-pee", great post and blog, followed!

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  21. Prozac makes me happy, I feed a pill to hubby twice a day.

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  22. Can I use the GoGirl and talk on my Smartphone at the same time?

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  23. Um, hi, how the HELL did I miss the Blizzard maker post? I want one. NOW!! Gimme, gimme, gimme! (I don't know why I have a muffin top. Honest. Maybe bc I went straight to DQ after Weight Watcher weigh ins?) Hmm.

    Hilarious as always....and nice lipstick, btw. Hot mama. Is it from Wal de Mart?

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  24. Is sideways spanking one of those things you guys do often in Ohio? If so, it seems like a good reason to stop in and check it out.

    Oh, and I so totally want to know more about that female urination device...

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