Yes, this is a blog filled with hard-hitting journalism. Sometimes, I wonder why people don't ask for my opinion more often. I mean, look at me:
Clearly, I am loaded. With knowledge. And stuff.
Far be it from me to withhold this wisdom from you. No sir -- I'm a giver. So here at Lighten Up!, I have written
Such as the Dairy Queen Blizzard Maker:
|Well spank me sideways and call me 'fatty'! Where's my debit card?|
Spank me sideways and call me 'Maria'! Add El Toro tequila (red plastic sombrero included) for the world's skinniest, cheapest-azz margarita.
And, how can we forget the GoGirl! female urination device:
Spank me sideways and call me 'Don.' Because sitting down to pee was KILLING me! Where's my debit card?
I don't just keep readers informed about the latest, greatest products, no - I pass out nuggets of knowledge, too. I am so full of this type of shit intelligence that a couple of my fellow bloggers, Robyn and Iris I pimped you gals! Pimpin' ain't easy! have given a name to my pearls of wisdom. Ladies and gents, I present to you -- "Dawn-isms:"
- Motherhood: the end of a perfectly good body.
- Smartphones: because no one should be bored on the toilet.
- Football season: a damn fine reason to go shopping. Every Sunday. For four months.
- Dishwashers: proof of God's existence.
- Broken Dishwashers: proof of Satan's existence.
- Prozac: It's what's for breakfast.
- Ohio: Just keep flying over - you ain't missing anything.
- Mike Rowe: Come here, handsome. I've got a Dirty Job for you, Mike Rowe.
- Adulthood: the end of a perfectly good time.
- Life: far too short to live in Ohio.
- Cheap beer: causing Dawn's dubious dancing since 1987 or 1986, maybe '85...shut up.
- Reality: always a buzzkill.
- Staff Meetings: Yes. You CAN sleep with your eyes open!
- Pedestrians: the other white meat.
- Breastfeeding: the end of perfectly good boobies.
- Merlot: keeping Mommy sane since 1997.
I got a million of 'em. And really -- you don't have to thank me for all these insights. Just send money -- lots and lots of money -- then spank me sideways and call me 'Rich.'
Where's your debit card?