Thursday, November 18, 2010

Walk Like a Man. Talk Like a Man. Pee Like...a Man?


(post copyright 2010, Dawn Weber)

Well spank my ass and call me 'Don.'

Yep. Dawn - is gone. Because now I really can do anything a man can do. Like pee while standing up, with a Female Urination Device (F.U.D.) such as the GoGirl.

Ladies! Lucky, lucky us. What's next? Equal pay for equal work?

No more of that tiresome knee-bending, that sitting down to urinate. Such exertion!

When nature calls, with an F.U.D., a woman can simply stand and place the funnel over her, um, naughty bits and, um, urinate, aiming the, um, stream wherever.


She can make some yellow snow. See a man about a horse. Drain the main vein. Piss up a rope. Drown the ants. Siphon the python. Water George's bush.

I know, girls, I know. It's very exciting, and it was all news to me. But F.U.D.-type devices have been around a long time, and the GoGirl ranks as one of several, er, female funnels. There's the also the pStyle, the Urifemme and the P-Mate, to name a few.

They say it keeps our fragile female flesh from the festering toilet seat. Now we can stand, whip out the GoGirl and shake the snake all over the stall. Just like a man! Hygienic - for us. For everyone else? Not so much.

As heavenly as all this sounds, I have to say that ways to wee-wee have never ranked highly on my list of concerns. I am from the School of the Squat. The House of Hover. My arse hasn't touched a nasty public toilet seat in 30 years, and it won't. Ever.

We country girls learn this skill early. Accomplished masterfully, ye olde Drop and Squat Tactic lets us avoid pesky indoor restroom breaks during important events... such as fishing, camping and keg parties.

It's a useful trick that I recommend. Anyway - from what I've seen - the Average American Ass could use several hundred a few squats.

Now don't get me wrong - there are enviable things about men. They can lift heavy furniture. They age well the bastards. They've elevated farting to an art form.

However - long restroom lines aside - I've never been jealous of a man's ability to, er, wave the wand.

Still, F.U.D.-pushers insist upright peeing is fun! Freeing! Downright empowering! Why, female world domination is just a piss away!

And, according to the GoGirl website:

"The World Is Your Toilet!"

That? Right there? Is Klassy with a K, people. Where's my credit card?

22 comments:

  1. Dawn, what can I say the world is a piss away to me now... Kate Martens

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  2. You have out done yourself my dear friend. But are you aiming to take my title of Queen of information about new and useless items? If so, you are well on your way with this one. But I welcome you to my world and absolutely loved the update. I will, however, abstain from purchasing.

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  3. I don't know why I get the idea you're being sarcastic with this one. I'm from the school if Freud where I just know everything in my life would be better if I only had a penis & could write my name in the snow.... Dreams. One step closer to becoming reality. LoL!

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  4. Now here's a rubber gaget that might work for us ladies! The long lines to the john would be obsolete!

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  5. I keep seeing the lines will be shorter comments! I'm thinking that if I now have to dig this contraption oout of my new larger than a suitcase bag, get it in possition and then wipe it out and restow, I'm gonna be alot longer in the john! I'm going with the squat!

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  6. Kate - I will await your world domination. Wanda - I could never take away your title of all things useless! I bow to you. Kerbi - Freud would - of course - highly recommend this device for women. Joanie, I can think of other rubber gadgets that work better ;). Mahalean, I am with you. I have no desire to tote this nasty thing in my purse, and Dynamighty, thank you my dear. I'm on my way to your blog now.

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  7. Oh. My. GOD! Leave it to you and your blog to bring attention to this useful device. Might help at Rock concerts. ;-) LOL!!!

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  8. I just wonder what you do with it after you pee in it. I'm assuming there's some kind of storage device, but that would mean carting drips of pee around with you. Gross. This is just gross.
    With you on the squat. Hope we can still do it when we're sixty.

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  9. Ha I think I'd have to pass on the go girl. I've been a dedicated squatter since I was a kid too!

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  10. This is the second time I've seen this device on a blog. The first wasn't nearly as funny. I once peed on my daughter's travel potty at the park, so when nature calls I can make it work. Somehow that seems less embarrassing than the conversation that would ensue when I asked my husband, "honey where's my F.U.D.? You know, the hot pink Weiner that makes me pee like a boy?"

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  11. HA! I have one of these. It has saved me a many of time, but a bit of warning, it is not as easy as you would first think. Where dudes can shake and tuck away, it's a little awkward to shake as you still get a little drippy drip that is not as "contained" as if that thing were actually attached to your body (like the boys have it). However, it sure as HELL beats trying to hover over the WAY sketchy toilet in some bus stop... or exposing your ass to the mosquitos while camping. It takes a little practice to wield this thing with any expertise but remember... boys have been doing it since birth... we get a little grace.

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  12. Dawn, that was wonderful! And to think of all the years that I've spent developing my inner city thighs!

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  13. JoJo, I am with you, city girl :) Joey, I have made use of the kids' plastic potty also. I think it beats the "pink plastic weiner" here. Sarah, glad to see someone has tried one of these...I wondered about the extra drippage. Glad you filled me in! And Joanne, I am glad to be of potty service to you :)

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  14. Hello, you site is very funny he told me to cheer up .. Merry Christmas.

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  15. MA HA HA HA!!! Where the hell was that funnel when I was squatting in the UD Ghetto for four years?!! Although, it doesn't look like it'd fit in my pocket so never mind!

    Too funny!!

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  16. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, may all your wishes come true!

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  17. This, although absolutely disgusting, is freakin hysterical! Squat on!

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  18. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, may all your wishes come true!

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  19. I've heard of this! I hope Santa reads this post so I get one. :-) You need a giveaway! ;-)

    Thanks so much for your LBS Tea Party follow! I look forward to reading more of your stuff. :-)

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