Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Best Silver Anniversary EVER!

copyright 2010, Dawn Weber
Twenty-five years of the Dairy Queen Blizzard, 25 extra pounds on my gut.

Coincidence? I think not.

Yes sir, the fine folks at your local Dairy Queen introduced the Blizzard back in 1985, swirling in things like chocolate bars, cookies, candies and - apparently - crack. Because I promptly began snarfing them down and packing on pounds.

Before that, in the 70s and early 80s, Midwestern kids like me had a handful of ice cream flavors from which to choose: vanilla, chocolate, strawberry and neopolitan. Blah, blah, blah and triple-blah.

"You'll get vanilla, or you'll get nothin', kid!"

I'll take nothin'. I could care less about those lame-o choices. A vanilla cone? A dish of chocolate ice cream? Ha! I laugh at your feeble dairy offerings. Buy me a Milky Way bar and call it good.

And then...THEN...came the Blizzard.

Vanilla soft serve ice cream, yes, but blended with candy, candy, CANDY! A kid's dream! The ice cream's mellow melt offsetting the crunchy sweetness of my favorites, Heath or Butterfinger bars. Yum!

Have I mentioned the candy?

If that wasn't awesome enough, Baskin-Robbins, Ben and Jerry's, Haagen-Dazs and other store-brand ice creams jumped on the treat train. Moose tracks, peanut butter cup, fudge, cookies n' cream...

Sigh. Excuse me - I need a minute alone.

Oh, yes. Like a man or two I've known, candy-packed ice cream gives me at least sixty seconds of untamed happiness.

But too much of a good thing can make you pregnant fat.

With that in mind, as an adult I've made a point of always living at least 20 minutes from the nearest Dairy Queen and major grocery stores. That way, I am far from temptation.

Acquiring treats becomes a serious mission. One that requires planning, buying gasoline and changing out of PJs - tasks I strenuously avoid.

So you can imagine my joy-tinged angst when I saw this:
Well spank my ass and call me fatty.

Apparently DQ is celebrating their frozen treat's big 2-5 with the DQ Blizzard Maker? Now I won't even have to get off my Blizzard-bloated butt to partake. This gizmo is designed so that a child can make them, and serve me on the couch, as a child should.

I am sure I will plunk down the $29.99 for it, then rush to the store for ice cream supplies and Heath bars to crush.

Because I give up. I admit it.

My shape was just dandy till ice cream had candy.


  1. LOVE, LoVe, love, LOVVVE it!!! Altough I actually do like plain vanilla ice cream as ling as it's Breyer's or Haagen Dazs or something without carageenan & guar gum... Blech to those.
    PS- you can buy already crushed Heath Bars in the baking aisle, oh yes you can! Yummmmmm

  2. HILARIOUS! Loved the "a few men I know..." and photoshop work too. Belly laughs are in abound! FYI--PJs are not a burier her in Green Bay, because we have DRIVE-THRU DQs. I just throw a coat on and off I go (ahem, cough, cough, I mean I have this FRIEND who does that...;-).

  3. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    (and my word verification to post this comment is "fartions" - haaaaa)

  4. In the 10 minutes it's taken me to read, re-read, and formulate a comment, I've managed to create a drool pool worthy of the Olympic dive team. Pre-crushed Heath Bars?? I could've gone the rest of my life without that tip. Great column, Dawn:) P.S. My word verification = antsad

  5. Nalwa? WTF?
    Love it down but I have a question for you and me. Can we write anything without the mention of sex, sexual organs, or ice cream in them?

    Probably not, but that keeps life more interesting.

  6. I love this, but I'm starving and too exhausted to take all the kids out. Tomorrow is payday, so you can imagine the contents of my cupboards. Thinking about calling Dominos because I know DQ won't deliver.

  7. AB FAB post (or Ab Flab?!) What a hilarious piece and the funniest thing to me is my column this week in the paper is on the ice cream man. One track minds!!

    BTW...You are so NOT vanilla!
    Oh, and I love me some ice cream more than TBell. Fro Yo is my weakness this summer.

    What a great belly laugh. All a jiggling! :)

  8. OMGosh, Kerbi, do you realize what you've done to me with the ALREADY CRUSHED HEATH BARS! Here come 25 more lbs. Heidi, don't think I haven't sailed thru that drive thru in my Dr. Dentons, oh yes I have. Sharon...Fartions? Fartions? Is someone trying to tell you something? Molly, shall I buy you a bag of crushed Heath bars while I'm out? For your drool pool? Wanda, I had a good friend tell me to be myself when I write, the same way George Carlin spoke to you in your dream ;)So naughtiness and ice cream it is! Bethany, why why why won't DQ deliver? Why? Stacey, I will have to try the fro yo of which you speak...

  9. Dairy Queen is now the only "ice cream" that I can eat without getting sick these days.(save for all the non-dairy stuff at the health food store and at $5 to 6 a pint, I don't get that stuff too often).

    So if we go out for ice cream, I always vote for DQ and those damn anniversary Blizzards. In fact, this summer it has Georgia Mud Fudge, in particular...salty pecans, fudgy brownies ... ahhhh...better than... ;)

    It's a sickness. And apparently it's chemically enough for my body to think it isn't dairy, despite the name.

  10. p.s. The Lakewood DQ also has a drivethrough...year-round bliss. I'm incorrigible.