Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Wonder Woman? The Bionic Woman? They Got Nothin' on the Bacteria Banshee

(post copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)

I have chosen a life of public service. Apparently.

I blame my boobs. I'm pretty sure they've given me superpowers.

It seems my big-girl beacons have made me an extraordinary human, because I am the ONLY one in my family capable of certain things. No one else at my place has a grown-up set of mammies, and no one else can do the things I do.

I am special. And not in a short bus, need-to-wear-a-helmet kind of way.

Now, you might think I'm not capable of being a superhero. You'd be wrong, sir, because I spent the better part of the 70s and maybe some of the 80s shut up watching "The Bionic Woman" and "Superfriends." So clearly, I am qualified.

I am sanitizer-toting. I am virus-seeking. I am a Bacteria Banshee!

Able to leap steaming puppy puddles in a single bound! More Powerful than any super-virus! Look! There with the Clorox wipes! It’s a maid! It’s Mrs. Clean! No - it’s Bacteria Banshee!

I first became aware of my Bacteria Banshee powers when I found that I am the sole family member with the ability to see the crumbs, food, dried milk, festering germs and sometimes dog hair shut up all over our counters and kitchen table.

Tuesday through Friday, I work late and arrive home long after dinnertime. Thus, my family members are lazy and go about their meals eating amongst – and creating more – debris, oblivious to the seething Petri dish on the kitchen surfaces. They are just too freakin' lazy weak to wipe. Apparently.

Lucky for them, come Saturday morning, I arise from bed, gather my Bacteria Banshee strength and hoist the Clorox wipe container. I whip out towelettes and commence cleaning, thereby saving my family, my neighbors and probably you from the pulsating pandemic that is our kitchen table.

My Banshee powers also give me the ability to be the only one who sees the dirty dishes piled in the sink. Though my family knows their dirty plates should go in the dishwasher, they are still freakin' lazy and choose to place them in the sink, where. . .poof! They disappear. It's downright magical! To their eyes anyway. No one can see the dirty dishes anymore!

Except for me!

And Saturday morning, after the kitchen sanitizing, I turn my attention to the crumb-, food-, dried milk-, festering germ- and sometimes dog hair-covered shut up dirty dishes. I load each piece into the dishwasher, a task too taxing for mere freakin' lazy mortals. Apparently.

I also provide Bacteria Banshee public service announcements in this calm and supportive manner:

"Use a *&$%# tissue!"
"Wash your #@%^ hands!"
"For f*#x sake, don't let the dog eat off your plate!"

Wacky commands like these perplex my crew. But they do what I ask, lest they suffer my Lysol wrath.

These are just the awesome superpowers I use at home. I am even more psycho impressive out and about:

Watch as Bacteria Banshee contorts body in effort to push elevator buttons without using fingers! See her recover money from ATM using sanitized pen and no hands! Marvel at Bacteria Banshee’s skill as she pumps gas with feet!

I bet you're wishing you had a Bacteria Banshee in your household. We all know that when germs are left un-checked, bad things happen in this country, such as pandemics and swine flus and George Bushes.

Fear not. Crazy bitch Women like me, with breasts, abound. And we are ready, willing and armed with chemical weapons to protect freakin' lazy families everywhere.

You're welcome.


  1. OMG OMG OMG! You kill me!! My family also seem to think dishes magically do themselves & crumb, dried milk & dog-hair (shut up) infested countrertops are imagined by me...I also say, "Use a *&$%# tissue!" & "Wash your #@%^ hands!" & most commonly (shut up) "The couch is not a f*#%$ napkin!" But around here, dog hairs are added protein!! (You can't escape them so we instead embrace them. Shut up!)

  2. So freaking true! My family can, and often does, use every single dish and leave them bathing in muck on the counters. That box over there in the corner? It's a dishwasher but they can't quite grasp that concept. It is definitely the boobs. Full on super powers there.

  3. I still dream about Wonder Woman defending mankind with her..ah..weapons. And you have them too? Super Powers?

    I sell dishwashers but I don't know how to load them right into the machine.

    I would pay anything to watch you pump gas with your feet. note to self...there must be a website for this!

  4. I loved this post....I think our families may be related!

  5. i've always known that there was something special about me. something that set me apart from my family in that i feel compelled to clean the things they walk past. now i know it's my tits! thank goodness my kid is starting to grow some. maybe she'll become more helpful.

  6. Wonderful post! So insightful! I never made the connections with the boobs. I makes sense though. Boobs are perceived as 2 eyes whereas penises (peni?)only have 1 eye!

  7. So you probably don't think it's okay to pee on the seat, either, huh?
    On a lighter side, one of the more popular films we had on board my first ship was "Bobbie Jo and The Outlaw." It was a stupid 70s made-for-TV kind of movie. But we got to see Lynda Carter's (aka Wonder Woman. Or should that be the other way around?) boobies (yes, a guy in his 50s can still say "boobies").

  8. My boobs have never helped me in any way (cough, cough).;-) HILARIOUS--love the (shut-up) 80s reference, in particular.

  9. The sad thing is the little beggars grow up and move out one day and you miss them. But there is a safety clause - hubby is still around and you get to punish him for EVERYTHING that goes wrong, went wrong and will go wrong.

    Super Boobies RULE!!!

  10. My wife actually is the one who stacks dirty dishes in the sink at our house. Drives me nuts having to dig down through the heap so I can plug the sink to wash them. I'd stack them in the dishwasher, but the damn thing is always full! Funny column Bacteria Banshee!

  11. You always make me smile and sometimes laugh out loud! Thanks! :D

  12. We need a Wonder Woman in the White House

  13. We need a Wonder Woman in the White House

  14. My mother-in-law who passed away a few years ago (affectionately called "Mongra" by the grand children) was a fanatic about cleanliness... to the extent where she swabbed down door knobs and light switches regularly with alcohol.

    One day one of the grand kids was explaining Mongra's cleanliness to one of their siblings: "You see, there are THREE kinds of clean - regular clean, hospital clean, and Mongrafied!"

  15. All I want for Christmas (or Hanukah) is a Bacteria Banshee Super Hero Doll. I idolize her. ;~>

  16. I love how supportive you are. :-)

    I, too, am the only one able to see the crumbs at my house. I also attribute it to estrogen. Well, that or the inability to pretend that I don't see it as I suspect others in my house of doing...


  17. Ron - Of course!Where shall I sign?
    Kerbi - Dog hair=Added protein. I love it. Shut up!
    Heather - Yep. It's the boobs. Definitely.
    RJ - You make the website, I'll do the demo. K?
    Eva - It could be. Hope you, too, have the Super Boobs.
    Sherilin - I'm glad I provided some information to you. Public Service Announcements, that's my gig!
    Joanne - Ha! Two eyes! No wonder we have super vision!
    Penwasser - I had you at "Boobs," didn't I?
    Heidi - Come on now! Boobs are helpful with many facets of life, such as feeding babies, finding husbands and landing jobs! (shut up!) ;)
    Marlia - Oh, I know I'll miss them. Though I won't miss their crumbs and dried milk. ;)
    Master - Are you sure you don't have boobs? Moobs? :)
    Kat - Thanks, lady! I do what I can, public service, you know.
    Nick - You'd like that, wouldn't ya?
    Robert - I Mongrafy my house every dang weekend. Thanks for the new verb!
    Robyn - I'll check Amazon. Anything for you, dearie. :)
    Pearl - Yes, I pride myself on my calm and supportive ^&*$##% instructions.

  18. And now I feel sorry for Mothers everywhere. ._.

  19. I always prided myself on not being a germ-o-phobe, but in the last month (whilst living with two 4 year olds) I've become much more grossed out. Having kids around is sickening.

  20. Dwei - Feel sorry. Feel very, very sorry.
    Jen - Exactly. I was not a germophobe either, until motherhood.It's a whole new world, sister, a whole new germy world.
    Pesos - Thank you! I'll come visit...

  21. Blogspot must not like me. I commented here and it ate it! It was funny, too. I can't remember it, though. Dammit.

  22. I have always said, and I quote, I shall only use my boobs for good, not evil. You do me proud.

  23. OMG, you're that crazy broad who chased me out of the first class galley with Lysol spray.

  24. So hilarious, I had to come back and read it again. I want to be you! Er, talent wise.

  25. Dawn - I hate it when Blogspot eats my homework. Robbed!
    Diva - If I chased you out of first class, it was only to steal your seat. Lysol has its uses.
    Fragrant - I am with you, sista. My chemical weapons are only for good.