Friday, April 1, 2011

Sh#t My Son Says


(Post and photos and drawing, copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)

My son: Adorable second grader. Baseball player. Pokemon fan. Straight A student.

And professional con artist.

Someday, he'll make a great attorney...or comedian...or car salesman.

Then again, those careers? Essentially the same thing.

I know he's clever because of the things he says and writes. The boy is very adept at arguing his opinion, using logic that gets him exactly what he wants.

Case in point: Tucking him into his bunk a few months ago, I noticed a boxy shape in his pocket. He'd already logged eleventy billion hours of video game play that day, and he knows bedtime is for sleeping, not games.

Still. He thought he'd give it a shot.

"Son. Is that a Game Boy in your pocket? Or are you happy to see me?" I said.
"Oh man!" he said.
Head hanging, crestfallen...
...and busted.
"Hand it over. Also, you're grounded off of video games for three days," I said.
"What?! Aww, Mom!" he said.

Oh - the drama! The whiny protests and promises! They followed me all the way downstairs.

The next morning, he walked to my bedside and handed me a letter. He called it a letter anyway. I call it Felon Logic:


 Genius defense, no? He was the envy of convicted criminals everywhere. He was also still grounded.

A few months later, he was kind enough to leave us another note when he failed to finish his lunch. Such a thoughtful boy:


Really son? Did it make your belly hurt? Or did you have a brand new video game to get back to on the T.V.?

His capabilities extend into the spy arena. While butt-naked on the toilet, who doesn't want to see something like this?

Little stinker.

He enjoys spreading his BS skills all around the family. Here's what he wrote to his dad a few years ago, referring to the, er, squarish nature of my husband's rump-cheeks. And perhaps dad's gaseous emissions...

DadBob Squarebutt has busy pants. Apparently.
And speaking of anatomy, one night out, he carefully assembled his newly purchased Bionicle. He didn't feel that the toy needed to look like the picture on the box. Instructions? Those are for amateurs - not real men. He finished up, and waved THIS all around the restaurant.


We were so, um, proud. I think it was also happy to see me.

You're probably wondering how the little monkey gets away with all this:


Told you he was smart.

38 comments:

Wanda said...

Save them all. They will give you smiles in your old age.
Great one, Dawn. I raised 2 sons and now raising 3 grandson. Gotta love them boys.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

THAT is hilarious. What an adorable kid--he got the snarkiness from you, I think. ;-)

Kerbi said...

Oh, I love it!! Reminds me of my Anne a little, a boy version. When she was a toddler, my husband called her an evil genius. My mother in law referred to her as diabolical. My sister in law called her Elfin Magic & my mother called her a little leprechaun. To me, just my Little Ornery Annie, but so cute you'd let whatever slide....& she's so lovey dovey!!

PencilGirl said...

That was awesome!! Your son is hilarious!! :D :D

Dawn in D.C. said...

That is too funny. It reminds me of when the Girl was about 13 and wanted her belly button pierced. She made a very enlightening posterboard flow chart, complete with pictures, explaining all the reasons she should be allowed to have her belly button pierced.

Her dad caved.

I miss youngsters in the house.

Linda G. said...

LOL! I love how he's so quick to put pen to paper. Truly, the son of a writer. ;)

Lance said...

My six and seven year old daughters (the 7 yr old is in second grade like your son) are are beautiful, funny, interesting, smart, unique, little flim flam artists.

Tell them to clean their room? It's done in 5 minutes. How? They shove clothes under their beds and behind their toy box.

Tell them eat their food, they throw some of it away UNDER garbage in the trash can.

I could go on and on. They're amazing kids but they're devious and mischievious. I feel sorry for the high school that gets them and there third grade cousin all at the same time.

bobo said...

HAHAHAHA! Wish I was that smart! The last note, nice touch. Does he do that only after he's been caught or random times?

And I guess you have to be happy that he knows about correct anatomy?

Bagman and Butler said...

Okay -- this is a really great photo-essay. I hope you save it so you can show him when he is old enough to have his own child. He is really clever and seems to have a wonderful hobby of writing notes.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh the next few years are going to be a challenge! I hope you're ready!

Kana said...

Sorry to have to break it to ya, but his DadBob SquareButt is definitely being accused of "pouhp"ing in his "panse". It might be time to tell your son about "owning" his work - editing should come BEFORE publication! I say; don't back down, little guy! You've got them on the run -- don't self-censor in the face of authority!

Audubon Ron said...

Funny, funny. I'm watching you! Love it.

Kate said...

Very sweet post!!

The Jammie Girl said...

Laugh out loud funny! I have no idea how you keep a straight face through all of his antics - I would be rolling on the floor!

Run DMT said...

Hilarious and precious at the same time! Visiting from LBS! Have a great weekend! :-)

Inspire Me Heather said...

Ah yes, little boys. I have a kindergardener and he's just like yours... too cute!

Tima said...

Love it!

I now know what to expect. My 4 year old can/will argue anything. I wonder if he'll ever think of leaving me notes.

Tina said...

That was so fun to read, and your son is adorable. Reminds me of my grandson a bit. Kids make it hard to be mad at them, don't they? Found you on Lady Bloggers.

Special K said...

I am here from LBS Tea Party! I loved this post! It is truly amazing what kids come up with to get out of trouble.

juliemooreonlife said...

I love that you have kept all this these notes. I read a post similat to this a few months ago about a boy and his stuffed monkey... was that you? It was hilarious.

Jewels For Hope said...

omg that is so cute/funny!

ps- thanks for being my 100th follower!! :) :)

Christina Simon said...

Very funny! Found your blog on Lady Bloggers. Car Salesman. Ha!

Heather (aka Sugar Free) said...

I just LOVE that he actually took the time to leave a note with the uneaten food instead of trying to bury it in the trash and SAY that he ate it. Crack me up!!

e! said...

you do realize your son is a genius... right?
LBS Tea Party
www.JustAdoreIt.com

e! said...

you do realize your son is a genius... right?
LBS Tea Party
www.JustAdoreIt.com

Ami said...

I get such a kick out of things kids come up with.

And you're right. He's really, really cute.

No wonder he gets away with all that.
;)

Joanne said...

How well I remember those days! Some day I'll write my blog about the pig snout in my son's pocket.

http://athursdayschild.wordpress.com said...

He is very cute, to be sure.

twoweekworship.org said...

Love this! My blog post last week was Sh*t My Uterus says. :) Just stopped by from LBS. Enjoyed the post and these fish down here are really cool!
http://twoweekworship.org

Wow, that was awkward said...

Awesome. Your kid was born for social media. Short form sticky notes. Just wait til he starts texting, tweeting and facebooking.

Tori Cooper said...

This is hilarious! Kids are funny! Well, at least your's is! Visiting from LBS, looking forward to more entries. Tori @www.journeycalledlife1.com

Gale said...

The Bionicle pic made me actually BURST out laughing. I'm still laughing. Give him a hug from me :)

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

How can you not laugh at this clever young man? I like his love notes, too!

Nurse Mommy said...

Next time he writes something smartassery like that, remind him his birthday is coming up and you would love to get him an entire box of sticky notes and pens for his special day! :)

myinnerchick.com said...

Brilliant :) I loved this.

One Bad Pixie said...

Wow! I feel for you. Having kids of my own though, I know what you are going through. It's not easy but if it was, we may not be bothered to try.

Loved the pic's.

Whatever you do, don't laugh. It only encourages them!

Ms. Blasé said...

I'm a fan of this kid already! But I can't help but wonder how far the apple fell from the tree :0)

SherilinR said...

i love kid notes! and that little robot monster looks VERY happy to see you! lol!