Thursday, April 7, 2011

Go Ahead...Ask Me If I'm Pregnant. I Dare You.

(Post copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)

Lately, people have been asking me when the baby is due.

The baby’s eight, and capable of long division.

I guess I can see why they ask. It’s been a long, cold winter, and nowhere is this more evident than my gut. And maybe my thighs. Also my ass.

It began innocently in October, with a few hundred snack-size Snickers bars from the kids’ stash. The children hate nuts - I was just helping them. We wouldn't want the candy to go to waste. It's a public service.

I also give back to society on Thanksgiving. Since no one but me likes the Crock Pot-full of sweet potatoes that I fix, I'm forced to eat them all. It's a tough job. Someone has to do it - I'd hate to throw away food, and people are starving in Africa. So I just try to look at it as a chance to ingest mass quantities of melted butter and brown sugar. Simultaneously.

My selfless acts continue all through Christmas and New Year's. Those leftover cookies and unwanted chocolates, those bottles of gifted wine? They aren't going to consume themselves, now, are they? And, again - we wouldn't want them to go to waste.

You can see here how I provide a valuable community service by doing away with unwanted food. I'm a giver, really.

I'm not sure how much I'm helping, though, because all the goodies have gone to waste anyway. My waist.

I know it, because my pants are once again trying to kill me. It's an annual April event, the strangling and crushing of my internal organs. This is the thanks I get for my food removal services.

So begins the annual Spring War With My Pants.

That's right, Pants, I'm talking to you. I blame you - for puffing my muffintop. For bloating me like a pregnant penguin. Every breath I take is a fight with your fibers, Pants.

I see you bitches over there in the closet…folded, behaving...pretending to fit like you did in the fall. Smug, superior...feigning innocence.

But I know the truth. I know how you are, Pants. I’ll pull you on, and you’ll grip my gut like a vice, cutting me in half.

Pants. Haven't I been good to you? I painstakingly follow your care labels (“Machine Wash Cold. Hang Over Treadmill to Dry”) so that you air out slowly, allowing for maximum butt and belly stretch.

And still, you taunt me with your tightness. Depressing me, bringing me down, forcing me to cope with high-end pharmaceuticals. Such as Miller Lite.

If I had my way, I'd go without you, Pants. Pesky societal norms.

Instead, I'll fight you like I do every year. Toss your arses off the treadmill and crank up the exercise, cut back on the chow. And I'll beat you, Pants, for the summer, as always.

But Pants, next spring, after another winter of my public service, I know you'll try to crush me once more. Happens every year.

Folks will ask again when the baby’s due.

And then I will punch them.


  1. Would that be Levis or Wrangler?

    That's exactly why I wear Big Dog shorts with an elastic band and no underwear - all year round. But I also wear black socks with white tennis shoes. I'm a mess.

  2. "Pesky societal norms"!!! :P :P
    Hilarious post!
    I buy my pants a little loose, and use a belt.. They tend to fit just right during my days of "providing valuable community services".. :P :D :D
    I'm lovin' it! :D :D

  3. Bad designers. Public service. Someone or something is always out to get us. What's a gal to do? I say we rise up like the pants on our backsides and say enough.Well, enough with ill fitting clothes. Pass the bread and butter please.

  4. So funny!! Tip--use a pliers to help you pull the zipper up (and lying on your back helps too!).

  5. Pliers, Heidi? That sounds like a great big accident just waiting to happen. I am having an Ermie psychic moment...I'll get back with all you funny women with a plan. OBTW...funny post, girl. Popped a button off my pants laughing!

  6. That was an awesome post! I can so relate!

  7. You are a saint for the service you are providing. Someone has to do it!

    I also agree, stupid societal norms, pants should be abolished!

    Btw, you are positively glowing! ;p

  8. You know I can relate. I'm ready for war though.

    The pants will NEVER win!

  9. How rude of those people! Everyone knows you should NEVER ask a woman when the baby is due unless she's wired up to a fetal monitor, and even then it's probably safer not to. Sheesh. ;)

  10. Great post.

    You should punch those rude people.

  11. Hilarious, Dawn! Try jeans with holes in them - they're oh, so stylish and provide breathing room in tight areas
    (like the crotch, the derriere, the thighs...)

  12. I've been trying to find someone to perform that kind of service in my kitchen - but there's no listing on the yellow pages for pinch eaters. Loved this post!

  13. Enter...the Pajama Jean infomercial. I howled the first time I saw it but there are times...times when I wish I had called that number on the screen.

  14. Hilarious! I go through this every spring. I live alone and only have one pinch eater - me. I'm getting about ready to go my mom's way and buy denim pants with elastic waistbands. Not really, I'm not that old yet.

    @Ron - no underwear! Yuck!

  15. I had to take a labor job to get into my skinny jeans. And food? Let's just say yogurt is my friend!

  16. I'm still laughing at "The children hate nuts - I was helping them". priceless! I don't suffer with this one, but the belly sag is my enemy so I can relate! Thanks for being such a "giver"!

  17. I love this! I am perpetually asked when I'm due....the most rewarding I have to say was just recently, about 4 months after I actually had the baby AND in fact, had lost 25lbs from my pre-preg weight. Didn't that make me soar! hey, I'm an apple, what can I say!

    new follower!

  18. It's amazing how high tech and expensive those clothes drying devices are. Seems like everyone I know has them. Who knew the fitenss industry would be so great in the world of laundry, coat hanging and stubbed toes.

  19. I think this is a seasonal trend. It gets harder every year to contemplate that my pants could once again fit.

    I'm depressed, now.

  20. Oh.. I can relate. After my size 16's no longer fit, I had a little "talk" with my pants and my ass in the changing room of a Maurices. Some crying may have happened and phrases like, "I REFUSE to shop at the fat girl store. REFUSE GOD DAMMIT". And ever since then I've been trying to lose weight. And I'm down to an *so close I should just stop eating for a week and make it happen* size 10. I'm like a 12 if the pants are just washed, but like a 10 if they are stretched out. Every little bit counts. But I have my Weightloss Mondays where I follow some of my followers and yell at them to exercise. Nobody has gone anorexic yet so it's obviously working. ;)

  21. im only 20 and i have this issue. cant wait for the rest of what life has in store huh.

    :) love the post.

  22. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog! Yours is hilarious! I love it. Smartassery is definitely one of my favorite traits!

  23. Oh, the eternal struggle. Will it ever end?

  24. Ron-Levi's-always. Wranglers are for dudes. Cowboy dudes.
    Pencil-that's a great tip if I could accept the fact of buying a size bigger. I just can't admit defeat-even if I'd be ablet to breathe properly in a bigger size.
    Wanda-WTF with these clothing designers? They truly irritate my balls.
    Heidi- I am with Nurse M. If I used pliers down there, I'm sure I'd mangle my lady bits somehow.
    Eva-I'm glad you can relate. Sucks, don't it?
    Bobo-you are cruisin for a bruisin pal ;)
    Candice-I know you're feelin' my pain right now.We shall overcome...the pants!
    Linda-they are some rude mofos. And it was women, too! They should know better!
    OT-Those broads really did comeclose to a punch or a kick in the lady bits.
    Barb-um, well, holes in the crotch? That sounds very, IDK , Snookie.
    L-Mom-Seems us moms always provide this service. Always seems like a good idea at the time.
    Sharon and Tracy - elastic-panted pajama jeans are looking better and better...
    Cerina-thank you so much for joining the cult of smartassery here. welcome!
    Wow-Yes, just like most other Americans, we have an $800 drying rack.
    Susan and Sara-I feel ya. I pretty much go down a whole sizein the summer, after waging war.
    Sharde and Ms. Blase-Sadly, the struggle only gets worse every year. sigh.
    Meg-my dear, thanks for drinkin' the Kool Aid. Loved your blog also!