Monday, April 11, 2011

My Bloggy Birthday! Directly Related to My Midlife Crisis!

I turned 40 a couple years ago recently. So I figured it was time to go batcrap crazy.

Not really. But I did decide to have a midlife crisis - get off my ass and do some things I always wanted to.

You know, before I dropped dead and all.

What to do, what to do? Skydive? Nah - way too wimpy. Buy a new sports car? Way too poor. Have a steamy affair? Gah! Way too tired, and keeping up with one man's sex drive is plenty, thanks.

Nope. I didn't want any of these things. I wanted to write. Funny stuff, like my hero, Erma Bombeck. And my other hero, Jen Lancaster (even though Jen never answered my fan e-mail. Thanks a lot, Jen! Betcha Erma would've answered. I still love ya, Jen. And I'm not a stalker. *Crazy Eyes*)

Anywho, I did get off my ass and start writing. Two years ago this month, I had my first newspaper column published in the Buckeye Lake Beacon, here in Blow-Hio. It was (and still is) as successful as it can be in such a small market. But efforts to expand it to other papers failed miserably faltered, since newspapers are dropping dead faster than Charlie Sheen's brain cells.

Also?  I wanted to cuss. Can't cuss in newspapers - you'll piss off the old people. And they're really the only ones who still read the paper.

So it was that I also began a blog, one year ago today. Yay for cussing! I wrote 50 posts last year. And I'm damn proud of it.

Proud because, probably just like you, I am already swamped, with work, life, spouse, kids, kids' sports, buying stuff for kids, driving  kids around, listening to kids tell me what stuff to buy them... Proud because I force myself to write at least one post per week, whether I feel like it or not. Proud because writing is difficult, and writing funny? So much harder.

I'm so grateful that people actually read this silliness. When I started, all I wanted to do was make people laugh and smile. Nothing - NOTHING is more gratifying to me. And someday, who knows? Maybe I'll contribute absolutely zilch, zero, nada to literature and write a book.

You know, before I drop dead and all.

Thank you to all you poor suckers anyone who follows, reads - and especially comments - because that is the only payment most bloggers receive,  really.

And it's enough.

Well, almost enough. I know, I know - you're probably wondering what gift you can buy for my Bloggy Birthday. What to get a funny little white girl? It's really not necessary. But, since you insist, I'd really like this....

Because boiling pasta can be such a challenge. And...AND - it's a 12-in-1 kitchen tool! Doubles as a colander, for rinsing and straining. Which are also, apparently, difficult activities.

What's that? You don't like this gift? OK. I have other ideas. How about...

Washing feet is also very taxing. Apparently. And look - says so right there on the box - no more of that pesky bending! Thank God! That was killing me!

Are you serious? You don't like either of these presents? You want to buy me something REALLY special? A gift that really Means Something?

OK, I guess you can get me the Best Gift of All:


Yes, this would be lovely. My buddy Oilfield Trash (he rocks, check him out!) filled me in on the Crackhead Charlie Winning Love Doll here, and now I must have him. Who doesn't want a Warlock Rockstar from Mars?

But damn it! Goddesses, Tiger's Blood and Crack Rocks not included! Says so right on the box.

That's OK, you guys. Mom will pick those up for me.

Winning!

25 comments:

Linda G. said...

LOL! Happy Bloggy Birthday!

You consistently make me laugh, which I love to do almost as much as I love making other people laugh. Feel free to keep cussing in front of me. I enjoy a little salt in my reading material. ;)

P.S. If I didn't bend over to wash my feet, I'd get no exercise at all.

Gale said...

hey, lady, great stuff. Your style reminds me of Janet Evanovich, and look at her success! are you a Stephanie Plum fan? Keep up the great work. The picture of the Easy Feet cleaner made me hoot with laughter -- here alone in the house. Hysterical! Love you!

Oilfield Trash said...

Happy Blog Birthday!!!

And you should seriously go with the Charlie Sheen doll.

Audubon Ron said...

What!? I thought this was a blog ratings gig. That's what the guy said on the phone. That's why I read you all the time. Where's my check?

:) Srsly, Happy Bloggy Birthday - before you drop dead and all.

Lance said...

Happy Blog Birfday. I turned 40 last September and started writing a book. Glad our midlife crises could meet up.

Christy Lee said...

ha freakin ha ha ha! seriously love "you'll piss off the old people"! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! but i can't believe you asked everyone else for the Charlie Sheen doll! you KNOW i was planning on getting that for you! damn you!

Eva Gallant said...

Happy blog birthday! Keep up the good work!

Wow, that was awkward said...

I can relate. 43 and writing for myself, but loving getting reactions out of people. I'm not sure that writing alone has gotten me thru this stage of my life though. Huh, maybe that is why I'm divorced! :) I still haven't bought the motorcycle or gotten a tattoo though (yet).

barbsblast said...

Dawn, you absolutely have one of the funniest damn blogs around! Keep it up, we need you.

bobo said...

Happy blogaversary!

I'm really glad you kept at it. Love your posts as they always bring a smile and a laugh!

I would definitely buy your book!

(Well I'd at least download it illegally then maybe buy it...) ;p

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

Happy Blogaversary indeed!

You've made a lot of people happy these past 2 years--even if you aren't properly paid for it!

Heather (aka Sugar Free) said...

Crap! I already mailed out a 'Slap Chop' for you. Dammit. Happy Bloggy Birthday to you, lady. I am very happy to have found your site and you. Cheers!

Ami said...

So glad I found you!
My kids are old enough now to earn their own money and buy their own damn stuff.

And I hear ya about the swearing, I use the f word as punctuation.

Hm. Would this be where I jump up and go 'nanny nanny boo boo I have written 1,850 posts?'

Naw.

Sharon said...

Happy, happy Blogaversary, Dawn. You are such a funny lady. Keep up the great work.

Candice said...

Don't worry, Jen Lancaster didn't reply to me either.

Cunt.

Happy bloggy birthday! I'm pretty sure I haven't got a clue when I started mine.

Nurse Mommy said...

Why the the F-bomb do I not know Jen Lancaster and furthermore, why is she not one of MY FB friends? That really pisses me off!

New quest for 2011. Happy birthday to the funniest and nicest person I have never met. I absolutely adore you!

Tracy said...

Those gifts would be so Sweeeet to open! You're rockin this creative mid-life crises outlet called writing. Us peeps out here in bloggy land enjoy reading as much, or more, than you enjoy writing. Keep going, girl...

One Bad Pixie said...

Swear away as you will. If we can't take it, well then go find another blog with butterflies and f'cking sunshine would ya!

Happy Blogging Birthday! Gotta get me some of those shoes.

Stephanie Faris said...

Happy blogiversary! I don't know about midlife crises and whatnot, but I do know I immediately liked your voice when I started reading...and that's the sign of a natural born writer!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Happy Blogoversary! As Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka said at BlogHer last year - if you want to get paid for blogging, check the cushions of your sofa for loose change! It's about the cool people you meet, not the $!

Erika said...

I love snarky writing and enjoy doing some of it myself, especially with a bit of spicy cussing thrown in :3

Karen said...

Happy Blogoversary - I enjoy stopping by here.

Jen Has A Pen said...

Happy Blog Day! :-) You have DEFINITELY made people laugh. And by people, I mean me. I have enjoyed EVERY single post. I was originally drawn to your blog because of the "little person" in your blog header. When I was little, I referred to them as my "boys and girls", so when I came across your blog, I was hooked by header alone. Your writing is witty, easy to read, enjoyable, and something I can't get enough of. :-)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

@Linda-then I'll be sure to serve up some high-sodium pieces for you.;)
@Gale-I picked up a Janet E. book, per your suggestion. I'll let you know what I think!
@OT-I'm so glad you're around to tell me about vital products like Crackhead Charlie, here.
@Ron, that was me on the phone. ;)
@Lance-Awesome that you're writing a book! I need pointers. Good luck!
@Christy-Oh, those ol' ladies can write NASTY letters to the editor. Trust me!
@Eva-my new friend. You're awesome!
@Wow-Get a motorcycle! Get one! Now!
@Bobo-I would be most honored if you'd illegally download my book. I'd be ecstatic when you paid the $7.99 for the real thing ;)
@Heidi-IDK what I'd do without you. I need more HIRL though. I miss it! I NEED it!
@Heather-Crappity crap! I LOVE the slap-chop. I DREAM of the Slap Chop! Oh well, there's always next year.
@Sharon-you're such a sweetie. Thx for reading!
@Candice-one of my bloggy mentors. My bloggy damn idol. How I heart you, Candice (in a straight way, gentleman, don't sprout wood...)
@Nurse Mommy-Jen Lancaster is an awesome writer whose first books came from her blogs. Check her out at Jennsylvania.com (in my blogroll.)
@Tracy - Thanks for the pep talk, sweetness! Love your stuff, too! You chameleon, you ;)
@Pixie-I shall cuss! And you shall like it! lol
@Stephanie-Thx my friend! Kind words!
@Meg-I checked my couch cushions long ago. I got nothin'. So blogging it is.
@Karen-Thanks, lady! Stop on back!
@Erika-I'd love to cuss more. But again. The old ladies hisssssss....
@Jen-you're such a doll. Love your blog too! I love the Fisher Price Little People also - I called them "Peoples", and they made me wildly happy as a child. They still do. I have a whole bag of them I won't let the husband toss. Mwa-Ha-Ha!

Classic NYer said...

Happy belated blog birthday!

Oh, and I so want that foot-cleaning thing... I hate bending! Hey, any chance it will put on my shoes for me when it's done? And fetch the keys that slid under the bed?