My Bloggy Birthday! Directly Related to My Midlife Crisis!

I turned 40 a couple years ago recently. So I figured it was time to go batcrap crazy.

Not really. But I did decide to have a midlife crisis - get off my ass and do some things I always wanted to.

You know, before I dropped dead and all.

What to do, what to do? Skydive? Nah - way too wimpy. Buy a new sports car? Way too poor. Have a steamy affair? Gah! Way too tired, and keeping up with one man's sex drive is plenty, thanks.

Nope. I didn't want any of these things. I wanted to write. Funny stuff, like my hero, Erma Bombeck. And my other hero, Jen Lancaster (even though Jen never answered my fan e-mail. Thanks a lot, Jen! Betcha Erma would've answered. I still love ya, Jen. And I'm not a stalker. *Crazy Eyes*)

Anywho, I did get off my ass and start writing. Two years ago this month, I had my first newspaper column published in the Buckeye Lake Beacon, here in Blow-Hio. It was (and still is) as successful as it can be in such a small market. But efforts to expand it to other papers failed miserably faltered, since newspapers are dropping dead faster than Charlie Sheen's brain cells.

Also?  I wanted to cuss. Can't cuss in newspapers - you'll piss off the old people. And they're really the only ones who still read the paper.

So it was that I also began a blog, one year ago today. Yay for cussing! I wrote 50 posts last year. And I'm damn proud of it.

Proud because, probably just like you, I am already swamped, with work, life, spouse, kids, kids' sports, buying stuff for kids, driving  kids around, listening to kids tell me what stuff to buy them... Proud because I force myself to write at least one post per week, whether I feel like it or not. Proud because writing is difficult, and writing funny? So much harder.

I'm so grateful that people actually read this silliness. When I started, all I wanted to do was make people laugh and smile. Nothing - NOTHING is more gratifying to me. And someday, who knows? Maybe I'll contribute absolutely zilch, zero, nada to literature and write a book.

You know, before I drop dead and all.

Thank you to all you poor suckers anyone who follows, reads - and especially comments - because that is the only payment most bloggers receive,  really.

And it's enough.

Well, almost enough. I know, I know - you're probably wondering what gift you can buy for my Bloggy Birthday. What to get a funny little white girl? It's really not necessary. But, since you insist, I'd really like this....

Because boiling pasta can be such a challenge. And...AND - it's a 12-in-1 kitchen tool! Doubles as a colander, for rinsing and straining. Which are also, apparently, difficult activities.

What's that? You don't like this gift? OK. I have other ideas. How about...

Washing feet is also very taxing. Apparently. And look - says so right there on the box - no more of that pesky bending! Thank God! That was killing me!

Are you serious? You don't like either of these presents? You want to buy me something REALLY special? A gift that really Means Something?

OK, I guess you can get me the Best Gift of All:

Yes, this would be lovely. My buddy Oilfield Trash (he rocks, check him out!) filled me in on the Crackhead Charlie Winning Love Doll here, and now I must have him. Who doesn't want a Warlock Rockstar from Mars?

But damn it! Goddesses, Tiger's Blood and Crack Rocks not included! Says so right on the box.

That's OK, you guys. Mom will pick those up for me.

Winning!