Thursday, December 6, 2012

"Jingle Bell Rock?" Nope. "Santa's a Chick." (And First Book Blurb)

In the time-honored tradition of my 2010 radio standard - "It's the Most Wonderful Time for a Beer," I bring you another Holiday Classic. I write the songs that make one or two people the whole world sing, yo. (To the tune of "Jingle Bell Rock.")

(post and lyrics copyright 2012, Dawn Weber)

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's a chick,
She lacks a dick, Santa's a chick,
No dude could do all they say that he does,
Only chicks could get all that done.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's a chick
Ain’t that a kick, Santa’s a chick,
Bakin’ and wrappin’ and deckin’ the hall,
With her wine bottle!

What a headache, how her back aches,
Fifty-nine things to do,
It's pure chaos, runs her ass off,
Most of these men don't even have a clue.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa’s a girl,
All 'round the world, Santa’s a girl,
Started her list around June 24,
Men they wait until the day before.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa has boobs,
Thirty-six Cs, average boobs,
Bouncing and flouncing all over the mall,
Since the early fall!

On Black Friday, she’s up early,
Left before the crack of dawn,
Flat-screen TVs, she’d like one, please,
“I'm sorry ma’am - they’re already gone.”

Hurry up, Santa Chick, get the hell home,
Cookies don't make themselves,
Hubs he's asleep and he's no help at all,
That's why Santa's a . . .
Surely Santa's a . . .
That's why Santa's a chick!

And on a Completely Unrelated Note . . .

Yeah, I know this picture's blurry. 
But it's all been a blur. She-was-born-she-was-a-girl-and-then

She's 15. And a half.
My daughter has her driver's permit now, and I cannot flipping believe it, and there's the picture and that's what I've written about for my first book chapter, and as promised, here's a blurb from this essay, "Left of Center" copyright 2012, Dawn Weber:

Clearly it's time for me to give her advice. I do this often. Is she awake? Is she walking? Is she breathing? I should definitely offer her my guidance on these activities.

"Now, when you're on these back roads like this . . ."

"I know. I know what you're going to say, Mom - watch out for the deer."

She knows, she says.

I see her eye-roll, but it doesn't stop me. No sir.

"Well, it's not just the deer, you gotta  . . ."

"I know, Mom - you told me. Watch out for the Amish."

"Yeah, you have to watch out for the buggies, but . . ."

"I know, Mom, go slow."

"Go slow, but what I'm TRYING to tell you is" . . .

Stay tuned!


  1. and to think, Christmas or June 24 will be here again before you know it. Having kids makes you get older quicker. Guys always wonder and now I know! and to music too lol Now if only I could get the song out of my head...

  2. ROF,L! I've always suspected that about Santa. Nice to have it confirmed...and set to music.

  3. Hey Dawn! Fifteen, my how they grow and make us redundant so quickly. Of course, over here they have to wait a little longer - 17. I remember the agony of waiting, then the agony of *cough*five*cough* driving tests. Yes, yes, I'm not a natural driver. Hush now, I'm writing. And of course, that was a LONG time ago now. Ancient history. And yes, Santa has to be a lady, nothing else makes sense. Either that or all his elves are? Indigo

  4. Hmmmm.... maybe I need to stay up for Santa this year....

    And how could you leave us on that cliffhanger! I need to know what words of wisdom you imparted to your child!

  5. How can you sleep at night? Really. I can't imagine how drunk I will have to be to have my girls behind the wheel. That doesn't sound good. Watch out for the Amish. LOVE it!! So funny. At least your song didn't have the lady with a dick, that would have made it so wrong on many levels.

  6. Sooooo what does that say about Mrs. Claus then????

  7. Catchy tune, Dawn. It makes perfect sense. Were there not a woman behind the scenes, Xmas would be reduced to Beers and Belching Day.

    Your daughter looks determined to avoid hitting an Amish. That's a very good sign. I think you need not worry.

    Cheers, Dawn.

  8. I'm guessing you're in the passenger seat with your foot on the phantom break pedal!

  9. Make that "brake" pedal. Or is it petal? ;)

  10. RJ - Ugh, this SONG! Was stuck in my head anyway, so I decided to change the m-effing lyrics, at least, make it more interesting.
    Linda - I do what I can for the music industry. ;)
    Indigo - 17 in the UK, huh? But FIVE driving tests? Sounds like you maybe shoulda waited a little longer. ;) (I won't tell you my early teen driving record. I shoulda waited longer too)
    Bobo - Glad to see you back! I know, it's a CLIFFHANGER! Guess you'll just have to buy the book.
    Stacey - The lesson here is WATCH OUT FOR THE AMISH! Yes, it is hair-raising, watching the Princess drive. She does pretty well, though.
    Pixie - Well, it IS legal in a few states...
    Robyn - EXACTLY!
    Lisa - Yes, trust me - my right foot is in the permanent flexed position.

  11. OH my gosh! I would have my eyes closed to the whole time. I love her driving posture. Pretty much the exact opposite of my slouched down, left leg up on the seat, right arm leaning on the console driving posture.

    Also, you're spot on with Santa being a chick. Hilarious!

  12. It is now a little easier to avoid rear-ending the Amish, they have those orange triangles affixed to the rear of those buggies.
    Your daughter seems to be driving correctly with her hands on the 10 and 2 o'clock position (or is that photo depiction a paid model?)
    36C eh? I would have thought Santa (female, Santo would be male, right?) would be more like a DD, but whatever; might be hard to get down chimneys if too buxom (in that case she could knock on my door and I would let her and the girls in).
    Your song was very witty, I got a chuckle reading it. Thanks.

  13. No. Stinking. Way. 15 1/2!!!!???!!!!!!!! UGH! She was 6 mos. old when we met. Now I feel old. Luvs ya!

  14. "...Bouncing and flouncing all over the mall,
    Since the early fall!..." - catchy funny lyrics - can you sing too. I like making up parodies but I can't sing. I need an I-pod to carry a tune.
    I did a parody called "I started a blog"

    Great parody

  15. Nope.
    Santa's a dude.
    How else to explain only working one day a year?

  16. I remember being 15......ahhhhh, the OPEC Oil Crisis!
    Good times, good times.

  17. Vixen - I can see you driving like that. Totally. All badass. They see you rolllin', they hatin'.
    Anthony - Side note: When she was little, she totally got mixed up and called the Amish "Irish." I should have told her, "Watch out for the Irish!"
    Amy Jo - Oh, how I miss you and me and our shenanigans on Floor 5 of the big basket. Yes, she WAS 6 months when we met. You have a great memory! Miss you, love you too. xxoooo
    Bill - I can't wait to read "I Started a Blog." Parodies, fun, yes? Just match the rhyme structure and throw in a few swear words.
    Penwasser - Re: the OPEC crisis. That was 100 years ago. I was, like, 8.
    I'm not helping any, am i?
    Oh, how I heart you, Penwasser.

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  19. What's bizarre is I was just thinking this the other day about God. I was thinking "The Christians are lying to themselves. No omniscient, omnipotent being could ever be male."

  20. You had me at PAXIL on EARTH!


    Santa is totally a chick...thanks for having the balls (um?) to point it out. "Laughing all the way, ha ha ha!"

    And the driving? I can hardly stand to watch my kids on a bike. OH GOD. So do you srsly have Amish buggies where you live? Ho-ly. Solid Wood Furniture!