In the time-honored tradition of my 2010 radio standard - "It's the Most Wonderful Time for a Beer," I bring you another Holiday Classic. I write the songs that make
(post and lyrics copyright 2012, Dawn Weber)
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's a chick,
She lacks a dick, Santa's a chick,
No dude could do all they say that he does,
Only chicks could get all that done.
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's a chick
Ain’t that a kick, Santa’s a chick,
Bakin’ and wrappin’ and deckin’ the hall,
With her wine bottle!
What a headache, how her back aches,
Fifty-nine things to do,
It's pure chaos, runs her ass off,
Most of these men don't even have a clue.
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa’s a girl,
All 'round the world, Santa’s a girl,
Started her list around June 24,
Men they wait until the day before.
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa has boobs,
Thirty-six Cs, average boobs,
Bouncing and flouncing all over the mall,
Since the early fall!
On Black Friday, she’s up early,
Left before the crack of dawn,
Flat-screen TVs, she’d like one, please,
“I'm sorry ma’am - they’re already gone.”
Hurry up, Santa Chick, get the hell home,
Cookies don't make themselves,
Hubs he's asleep and he's no help at all,
That's why Santa's a . . .
Surely Santa's a . . .
That's why Santa's a chick!
And on a Completely Unrelated Note . . .
Yeah, I know this picture's blurry.
But it's all been a blur. She-was-born-she-was-a-girl-and-then
She's 15. And a half.
My daughter has her driver's permit now, and I cannot flipping believe it, and there's the picture and that's what I've written about for my first book chapter, and as promised, here's a blurb from this essay, "Left of Center" copyright 2012, Dawn Weber:
Clearly it's time for me to give her advice. I do this often. Is she awake? Is she walking? Is she breathing? I should definitely offer her my guidance on these activities.
"Now, when you're on these back roads like this . . ."
"I know. I know what you're going to say, Mom - watch out for the deer."
She knows, she says.
I see her eye-roll, but it doesn't stop me. No sir.
"Well, it's not just the deer, you gotta . . ."
"I know, Mom - you told me. Watch out for the Amish."
"Yeah, you have to watch out for the buggies, but . . ."
"I know, Mom, go slow."
"Go slow, but what I'm TRYING to tell you is" . . .