Monday, December 24, 2012

Elf on the Shelf? Not at Our Place. More Like Crackheads on the Counter

(Post copyright 2012, Dawn Weber)

Elf on the shelf? Ain't nobody got time for that!

es, it's driven me to bad grammar and a double negative, this disturbing trend wherein the good, energetic and 
altogether better-than-me-moms of the world have rushed out to purchase the “Elf on the Shelf.” He's a very cool, very retro, completely silly doll who - each night - SOMEHOW seems to find himself in all kinds of cutesy, goofy-ass trouble.

He climbs Christmas trees:

He makes snow/flour angels.

I have even seen him in scantily clad situations with a Barbie. Or three. I won't post those pictures here, because this isn't that kind of blog and also - ahem - I don't have permission to use the pictures.

But believe me when I say photos of this industrious little dude are all over over the Internet, and he is very, very creative with his naughtiness. I suspect maternal assistance.

Now, you may not know this, but I am not your average mom. No - I am far, far below average. In general, I do not have my, how you say, "shit together."

I used to. I used to bake, I used to decorate, I used to hang lights outside. Back in the day, I could Martha Stewart the hell out of a mantle.

Holy Hallmark, people. I used to send out Christmas cards.

But these days, I am very busy and not at all, not even close to important, on account of working, Facebooking and ensuring my status as a below-average mom. Getting an Elf on the Shelf into fun, creative, PG-13 shenanigans looks like something that has to happen very late at night. Like at 9:15 p.m. or some shit.

So, when it comes to the EOTS, let me again quote Internet sensation, bronchitis sufferer and my new BFF Sweet Brown God, I love this woman when I say to you: Ain't nobody got time for that.

Exhibit A - my counter: 

Now, I may be far below average, but never let it said I completely deny my children. That’s right. Hold tight, party people - I’m going to the attic. 

Shit's about to get fancy.

Meet Frank. Also Paddy:

Frank and Paddy are a couple of easy-going, flat-out lazy, possibly tipsy elves dating back from, oh, the Nixon administration. About ten days before Christmas, I - dating from the Nixon administration myself - drag my easy-going, flat-out lazy, occasionally tipsy ass up to the attic and haul them down from their box.

Red cheeks, beer bellies, raggedy clothes - our boys Frank and Paddy have the carriage and demeanor of two drunken Irishmen, with a work ethic to match. Paddy looks very much like one of our female family members - whiskers and all.

Which family member? I’m not going to say. C’mon, man, do I look stupid?

Hey now - don’t answer that.

Paddy and Frank are nothing at all like their lithe, industrious, famous young cousin, Mr. Elf on the Shelf.

These two park themselves near a little sleigh that houses our incoming Christmas cards. And there they hang out, for weeks on end, probably hung over. Like a couple of homeless crackheads.
Damn, boys, you are out of control. Keep it together, Paddy!
What do they do? Well, like good crackhead/homeless/alcoholic elves, they work hard at doing nothing. They don't get into mischief. They don't climb the Christmas tree.They don't make snow angels in powdered sugar. And they don’t care that their fit, trim, famous cousin Mr. Elf on the Shelf Trendy McPants, has garnered international attention.

In fact, they don’t care about anything. Like me, they are far, far below average.

Isn't that right elves? Paddy? Frank? Guys? Lean closer, folks, I think I hear them - I think they have something to say!

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Merry, Merry Christmas, readers! And thank you so much for stopping in, reading and/or commenting. I hope you and your family have one FANTASTIC flippin' holiday!

And thank you, thank you, to my dear friend NML who was a VERY good sport about letting me use her Elf on the Shelf pictures. She is a great friend, far, far above average and clearly an altogether better mom than me. See NML? It was pretty painless!

And as promised, here is an excerpt from this week's chapter, tentatively titled: "Staff Meetings: Yes, You Can Sleep With Your Eyes Open," which will be in my upcoming book:

. . . I attempt to listen, as we discuss pointless concepts using ridiculous words that nobody understands. Yes, we use our “knowledge base” to “revisit” our “game plan.”

It’s all a bunch of “bullshit.”

The following are actual notes I've taken at meetings, along with my translations:

  • “We’re going to re-vamp our best practices.” - You’ll be required to learn a shit-load of new idiotic rules, regulations and procedures that make absolutely no sense.
  • “We’ve been discussing our bottom line . . . - Somebody is getting laid off.
  • “We need to change our mindset.” - You’ll be changing job descriptions.
  • “Our new customer service module synergizes with our core values.” - Nobody f*cking knows what synergize means.

..... Stay tuned!


  1. hmm, lots to go over.
    1. The grammar looks correct to me.
    2. The elf on the tree looks like a dog on a leg.
    3. Love the flour angels.
    4. Baking, check, hang lights outside, check, send cards,check. Now a days, nada.
    5. Nothing the matter with a little elf fun.
    6. Best practices,. ways to get you fired.
    7. Bottom line. we better get our bonus. You don't get one.
    8. Mindset. We don't know what we are doing.
    9. Synergies. Saw that word in Readers Digest.
    Merry Christmas!

  2. LOL! I like Paddy and Frank better than the Elf on the Shelf. And your work translations look spot-on to me.

    Merry Christmas, and thanks for all the laughs you've given me! :)

  3. You kill me. Merry Christmas my hilarious, BDB! The world is a better, funnier place with you in it....


  4. Hilarious as usual. I'm so releaved to know I'm not the only one who used to send out Christmas cards. Elf on the Shelf? More like Mom on the floor!! Merry Christmas!

  5. I recently saw the elf on the shelf in bed with one of my blogger friends, and she was having a cigarette!

  6. Let's have a contest to see who's fallen further... I purchased the things I'd need to MAKE MY OWN elves!! We had elves all over the place during the holidaze as I was growing up, and I wanted my kids to have some. But couldn't find any. SO I was going to make them.

    I finally gave the supplies to Goodwill about five years ago, after those supplies sat in the closet for about five years.

    And this year at my house? There no sign that it's Christmas. No tree. No gifts. No lights. No snowflakes.

    HA... I win.

    And meetings. OH. MY. GOD.

    There is no bigger waste of my time in the universe than to have stupid meetings!! So far in the last two years, every single meeting I've attended could have been handled via email.

    What an utter waste of time. But we have to justify those fat corporate salaries for the fat corporate assholes who draw them, now don't we?

    Oh, excuse me. My table is ready. Just heard the guy say, "Bitter? table for one!! Bitter?"

  7. I love how the elf managed to find not only the barbies, but also the angel. Freaky little thing, isn't he?

  8. I'm loving the second title of your book. If staff meetings aren't proof that you can sleep with your eyes open, nothing is.

    Frank and Paddy look like guys that dated (me) back during the Bush administration, but those two are lot cuter and just a tad shorter.

    Have a fantastic Christmas. There's nothing average or below average about you, stellar lady. Enjoy family time (or alone time, or elf-time, or whatever time).


  9. Elf on the shelf? I still can't figure out why that angel has a tree up its backside.

    I think you are on to upper management's plan now that you have deciphered their code.

  10. Give me Paddy and Frank over Elf on the Shelf any day! Happy New Year!

  11. Yeah... I think I'll stick with Tolkien's elves. They're more uhh... friendly looking.

  12. You are a weirdo.


    And you made me laugh out loud.

    Happy new year, Dawn!


  13. I love your sub-standard ways. There can be only one. ;) I hope you had a Merry Christmas and a fabulously lazy New Year awaits you. <3

  14. Rj- Thanks for your "proactive input." And Merry Christmas to you!
    Linda - Paddy and Frank are a couple of lovable crackheads, for sure.
    MTM - The world is a below average place with me in it, I know that. Merry Christmas!
    Heidi - Holy Hallmark! You don't send out cards either? Come here . . . Sit by me. . .
    Eva - Yeah, bloggers, Barbies . . . That Elf on the Shelf gets around!
    Ami - Wow. You, um, have fallen further. You may be more below average than me. Marry me?
    Classic - Oh yeah, judging by the pix all over the Internets, he's a horny little thing.
    Robyn - Frank and Paddy's dating days are over. They are content to stand by the sleigh, waiting for their next hit, with jazz hands. Happy New Year, dearie!
    Jono - Management better watch out! Here comes below average Dawn!
    Paula - Paddy and Frank will be over to your place . . . As long as you buy them a coupla 40s.
    DWei - Paddy and Frank are saddened at your assessment of their looks. They are, after all, about 120 in elf years.
    Pearl - If I have made you LOL, as the kids say, then I shall wear my weirdo crown with pride. :) Happy New Year to you!
    Christy - True, true- the world is not ready for more of me. Happy Lazy New Year to you too, dearie!

  15. My Mother always taught me to never trust an emaciated elf. It clearly means they're anorexic which means they have low self esteem which means they'll wreak havoc with your life to make them feel better about their own.

    I like the looks of your two fellows. Very much.

    And also, synergy is the dumbest most over-rated and over-used word in the world of cubicles.

  16. I'm glad you didn't kick the can on a level paying surface; that would not synergize with a coherent, tangible aspect.
    I don't know if synergize can be synthesized. Glad to see you staying focused.
    Which is worse: synergy or awesome or conflate. All equally aggravating.