Saturday, December 19, 2015

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Chaos



(post copyright 2015, Dawn Weber)

More messed up Christmas Carols for your listening pleasure. Happy Holidays, everyone!
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It's beginning to look a lot like chaos,
Everywhere you go,
Drive through the parking lot,
Hoping you won't get shot,
Just to buy your kid a new iPhone

It's beginning to look a lot like chaos,
Thieves in every store,
But the scariest sight to see,
Are the moms on Black Friday,
At the Walmart doors

Expensive footwear and a new iPad air
Is the wish of Emma and Belle,
Games about war and Playstation 4
Is the hope of Noah and Will,
And Mom and Dad can hardly stand to see the Visa bill

It's beginning to look a lot like chaos,
Everywhere you go,
Assholes are all around,
On freeways and in town,
Full of rage and Starbuck's espresso

It's beginning to look a lot like chaos,
Idiots a-bound,
A mass of humanity,
Bursting with insanity,
Crazies all a-round!

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I Must Go, I Must Go, I Must Go

Oh, the stores are filled up with buyers,
But my Kohl's cash soon expires,
And since I'm not made of dough,
I must go, I must go, I must go

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
This never ending shopping,
The traffic, it really blows,
But I go, I must go, I must go

When I finally think I'm done,
I remember my nephew Jack,
He wants a new Nerf gun,
Shit - guess I have to go back!

My bank account's quickly draining,
My back and knees complaining,
The roads are covered with snow,
I must go, I must go, I must go

When the cash is completely gone,
It's a good thing we have Mastercards,
Visas for everyone,
Credit statements by the yards

Christmas Eve and I'm still buying,
My bankruptcy denying,
Santa left a long time ago,
Still I go, yes I go, I must go!

14 comments:

  1. I see you have found the true meaning of Christmas in a most delightful way.

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    Replies
    1. If by "true meaning" you mean "grousing" and "Being sarcastic," then yes!

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  2. Ha ha, these are funny and too true!

    I was at the post office in the endless line and was commenting to the woman behind me. I mentioned its so much quicker at the Jefferson post office. She said, "and yet you're here." "Yes," I said, "its a penance." Later she was wrestling with packing tape. the end had gotten away from her and and now she couldn't find it, sunk into invisibility. Tape management is a huge part of Christmas chaos.

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    Replies
    1. You're right, Strayer. Tape - both packing and Scotch - merits its very own messed-up carol. There's always next year!

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  3. Brilliant!!!!!! lol And also both are true!

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    Replies
    1. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "It's funny 'cause it's true."

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  4. Ouch. Truth.
    And funny with it. In a painful sort of way.

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  5. Dawn, check out some alternate lyrics on my latest post. They are from an earlier time, but with the same spirit.

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  6. Hahahaha! Well done! I'm highly identifying with these :)

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    Replies
    1. Which means you're still not done shopping. Godspeed, Jenny-o!

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