Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Happy Momsgiving

(post copyright 2015, Dawn Weber)

That's right, you heard me. Instead of Thanksgiving, I'm calling it Momsgiving because, well, I don't see anybody else in this damn kitchen. Anyway, think about it: Mom's giving you turkey. Mom's giving you stuffing. Mom's giving you yams, potatoes, pie -- and possibly  diabetes.

Yes, ladies, Thanksgiving, Momsgiving, whatever you want to call it, is here, and you know what that means for us.

Hours of cooking! Distant relatives! An overwhelming urge to run far, far away!

It all begins in early November with the dreaded question, the one that leaves us sweaty and depressed:

"What are we doing for Thanksgiving?"

To this, you have several answers -- "Flying to Vegas!" "Driving to Daytona!" "Getting away from all you people!" -- but sadly, you know that none of these will be acceptable to your family members, who want nothing more than to sit around eating the food you cooked, and watching TV in the house that you cleaned spend time with you.

Because of that, you say what you do every year, the same five dreaded words:

"We'll have it here, I guess."

And so it begins.

Saturday and Sunday:

Spend 13 hours dusting and mopping guest room, living room, kitchen, and kids. Remember annual tradition of Hiding of the Liquor and Questionable Movies, as well as all-important Clearing of the Internet Browser.


Rush to grocery store after work. Quickly become just another frantic woman in overpriced fleece, pillaging piles of yams, potatoes, rolls, etc. Hustle past crying babies and slamming carts, and nearly get into fight in grocer's freezer over last bag of noodles. Despite craziness, don't forget to pick up most important item on Thanksgiving list.

Your Xanax prescription.

Thursday (early a.m.):

Kids sleep, husband snores.

Not you.

Must start prepping and cooking in wee hours of morning. Exhausted already, you begin to hold  conversations with turkey such as:

-Hey there, Handsome!
-We'll go vegan next year, I promise.
-Is that your pop-up timer, or are you just happy to see me?

Oddly, turkey doesn't answer.

Thursday (noon):

Relatives arrive. Yay!

Locate Xanax.

Thursday (afternoon):

Crunch time. Dash around kitchen, simultaneously preparing yams, potatoes, stuffing, corn, gravy, rolls and turkey. Trip over relatives as they belatedly try to "help." Resist impulse to scream, "Get the hell out of my kitchen!"

Wonder if is too late for drive to Daytona.

Thursday (dinner time):

Try not to drip blood, sweat and tears into turkey while carrying to table. Sit down, say grace, appreciate loving faces, and watch as they cheerfully devour the food you spent 11 hours preparing.

In exactly four minutes and 45 seconds.

Thursday (evening):

Survey empty chairs and table full of dirty dishes. Realize you haven't seen people disappear that fast since cops showed up at senior year keg party. Sigh and roll up sleeves.

Locate hidden liquor.


Well, folks, there you have it. I've pleaded my case. With this, the average American mother's schedule during the third week of November, I proudly declare it not Thanksgiving, but Momsgiving.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. There's lists to write, plans to make, much to do, and soon I will be just another frantic woman in overpriced fleece.

On a flight to Vegas.


  1. hahahaha I always had a leisurely Thanksgiving when I lived out west w/ my then husband. No one came over, cooked at our own pace, watched football...ate around 3 or 4. Clean up was more of a pain. But now that I'm here, the past few years we've had to go to my mom's, go to his sister's and then come home to finish cooking for his kids to come over! Last year and this I said we are staying home to cook so we aren't running all over the Upper Cape visiting and cramming all the cooking into the last hour.

    1. Thankfully, JoJo, I've never had to do the whole "running around to different relatives' houses" thing. We have all our holidays here. Which means more work for me. Which means "Happy Momsgiving!"
      Have a great Momsgiving yourself!

  2. Unfortunately, this is true for EVERY holiday, isn't it? i.e. a holiday for everyone but Mom.

  3. Replies
    1. Than you, Gale! Like you said - clean clean clean! Shop shop shop! Cook cook cook! Drink drink drink!

  4. Oh, so SO true ... even though our Canadian Thanksgiving was over a month ago, and the next one is eleven months out, it's NOT like having a baby, you don't forget the pain ...

    Actually, my husband is very good to help. But I never realized how terrible I am at managing all the jobs until our home became the place for kids and older relatives to come to. I'm sweating just thinking about it, because Christmas is just around the corner and it's more of the same.

    1. "Christmas is just around the corner and it's more of the same."
      You hit the nail right on the head, Jenny-O!
      Actually, my husband will help if I ask him. It's just that by the time I decide to ask him, I'm at the frazzled "Get the hell out of my kitchen!" stage.

  5. We don't do Thanksgiving, but as jenny_o says 'its beginning to sound a lot like Christmas...'

  6. I bought a turkey. I thawed it out in the refrigerator. I'm thinking about giving it to a shelter because it will go to waste here.


    1. Janie. I have a better idea! How about you clean it, brine it, cook it - and bring it right over here!

    2. Do you live in my neighborhood? I won't leave Murray Hill.

  7. Being childless and husbandless has its blessings, like tomorrow. No cooking 11 hours for me. New tradition? Kids cook one year. Take out? Fast food never sounded so good. You nailed Thanksgiving's labor hit on women perfectly! Don't hide your liquor too well tomorrow.

    1. But Strayer, like my mom always said when she threw the gizzards into the cat's dish, "It's Thanksgiving for the animals, too!"

  8. Your humor is getting better and better. I think the Xanax is working, my friend.
    Happy Momsgiving weekend, Dawn.

  9. My Mom had to work on Thanksgiving this year. 5:30pm-4:00am. So, Erik and I took Milo for a hike, went to the movies and then he made a roast with scalloped potatoes and green beans. Picking up Mom downtown outside the store in 23° weather when she already has a bad cold and it's 4:00 in the effing morning, I think she would still prefer that to your version of Momsgiving.

  10. This is all to get in shape for the next holiday, "Momsmas". Be thankful your family is trying hard to get you ready for THAT one! Do they make industrial strength Xanax?