The Old Fart's Guide to Parenting: Now vs. Then

(post copyright 2016, Dawn Weber)

The other day, as the kids tapped away on iPhones worth more than six months' rent on my first apartment, I marveled again at how much things have changed in the past 40 years. I'd been busy with my usual lunchtime routine of cooking two different meals for two different kids -- a.k.a. Picky and Pickier -- all the while tripping over them and kind of wishing they would go outside.

So I said, "Why don't you two go outside?"

They glanced up in horror from their screens.

"Mom, come on!" said the Princess (a.k.a. Picky).

The Hobo (a.k.a. Pickier) opened his mouth in disbelief. "It's only, like, 30 degrees out there!"

And before I could protest, both kids hunched back over their phones and returned to the important Instagram business at hand.

Feeling very old and tragic, I continued preparing their lunches -- plural -- and had several Get Off My Lawn epiphanies about life in the 70s compared to life  in 2016, so I grabbed a pen and jotted them all down. Read on for your handy Old Fart Guide to Parenting, Now vs. Then:

Food:
2016
"Would you prefer pasta or chicken? You'd rather have steak? Of course, honey - whatever you want!"

1976
"Oh, so you're tired of fish sticks. Is that right? Guess what - here's seven more. Don't leave the table till they're gone."

Playtime:
2016
"Are you warm enough, honey? It's so cold outside! Let me bring you a blanket and some hot chocolate so you don't have to pause your video game."

1976
"Aw, baloney. Nineteen degrees isn't that bad. Bundle up and go outside! I'm locking the door  till the street lights come on."

Clothing:
2016
"We have $800 for your school clothes shopping  today! Let's see. We'll go to  Hollister, American Eagle, Abercrombie . . . crap, that won't be enough, will it? I'll grab another hundred."

1976
"What do you mean your jeans don't fit? I just bought them two years ago! Alright, alright. Here's five bucks. Ride your bike down to Kmart, put some pants in layaway, and we'll pay them off by the time school starts. Maybe."

Transportation: 
2016
"Hop in, sweetie, and buckle up. You're such a big fifth grader! Only two more years and you'll be out of that booster seat."

1976
"Get in the car. No, not the back seat - Grandma and Grandpa are sitting there. Sit in the way-back, and quit complaining. Seat belts? Hmm . . .there's some chains on the floor, I think. Strap yourself to the spare tire."

Discipline:
2016
"Now, if you keep talking to Mommy that way, she's going to take away some of your XBox time . . ."

1976
"Who do you think you are, telling me how to drive? There's 18 feet of road -- I use all 18 feet. You open your mouth again, and I'll kick your ass from here to the end of the highway!"

Health:
2016

"Come over here, baby, and let Mom help you with your sunscreen. SPF 50 won't be strong enough for a bright day like this! We'll reapply in 40 minutes, and take a break from 10-2 when the sun's the hottest.

1976

"What are you doing back in the house? What's that? You have a sunburn? Well, there's some baby oil in the bathroom. Rub it in, suck it up and go. I'm locking this door till the street lights come on."

Independence:
2016
"Whoo - is it hot outside! Let's hurry into the store, sweetie, before we dehydrate!"

1976
"I have to run in for a few things, so stay in the car and keep the windows rolled up and the door locked. If it gets too hot, start the engine and turn on the A/C. Don't look at me like that. You're old enough to drive. In eight more years."

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As you can see by my Handy Old Fart Guide to Parenting, things are indeed very different these days. I'll think I'll start showing this to my kids whenever they complain, and if they don't like it, you know what? I have no problem locking the door till the street lights come on.

Now get off my lawn.