Monday, January 21, 2013

The Toilet Paper Chronicles

(post copyright 2013, Dawn Weber)

Tell me: Is it too much to ask?

Yes. Yes, apparently, it is.

Lord knows, I've tried. I've requested. I've instructed. I've coached. I've begged, pleaded and cajoled.

I've cried.

It's a metaphor for parenting, really. Just as in life, children use it all up, and leave you with none. They take and take and give you nothing, bleed you dry.

Or wet as the case may be.

But you hope and you pray and you think that maybe, someday, things will be different - they'll give back to you all that you've given to them. So you go back in, you sit down, you say a little prayer, and you turn your head and look.

What do you see? You see this:

As you can tell by the pictures, I even went out and bought a gadget that's simple - a veritable TP Holder for Dummies and Children. You can imagine my excitement when I found this particular device. It's designed with an easy on/off spindle. You simply A: Slide cardboard off; and B: Slide new roll on. There's nothing complicated here, no removal of spring-loaded rods, no messing around with various parts. Off . . . on.

I called to the kids. I pulled them into the bathroom and demonstrated the procedure.

"Look, you guys, how easy!" I said, sliding the spool back and forth. "You can do this now - you can replace the toilet paper! Off . . . on! Off . . . on! Easy!"

I trembled with joy.

They yawned and went back to their iPods.

What did I get, on the next empty roll? I got this:

And people wonder why I drink.

Still, some headway was made here. I was left with a new roll, though I didn't see it until I'd already reached under the counter, refilled the holder, wiped, flushed and cussed out those two rugrats.

But in my heart, a small flicker of hope ignited, because as a wise, wise woman named Whitney Houston once said:
"I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way . . ."

So I waited for the future. I had, I believed, taught them well. I let them lead the way.

Then, one day, a day like any other, I walked in, I sat down, I took a deep breath, and looked to the left, and I saw this:

You? You'd probably call that a TP FAIL.

But I? I call it progress.

Half-assed progress.

And, sure as shit, I'll take it.


So inspired was I by the TP chronicles that I wrote a chapter for my upcoming book about it. Here is an excerpt, the . . .

Toilet Paper Replacement Super-Procedure:

1. Make sure that you're settled in, half naked and releasing bodily fluids before checking TP situation. Turn head and see: cardboard.

2. Cuss. Like a f*cking sailor.

3. Rise from the toilet. Ensure pants are wrapped around the ankles, and whatever you were excreting drips swiftly down your legs.

4. Shuffle awkwardly to bathroom cupboard, open, and peer in: Drano, Tampax, Comet cleanser. But no toilet paper. Not even a box of tissues.

5. Cuss. Like a f*cking sailor.

6. Yell loudly, "Can someone bring me a roll of mother-&*^($%**# TOILET PAPER!" Repeat several times. Then remember that you're the only one home. . . "

Stay tuned!


  1. such a simple task for such a simple pleasure!

  2. and they wonder WHY there ever was a "dark side" of the force.

  3. Loved this; literally made me LaughOutLoud. You have hit upon a universal issue that no one ever speaks of, but must be reckoned with. Maybe just get a plunger with a long handle and line up the new rolls on the handle, a la college dorm style? This works for us, but is dangerous in homes that host men with bad aim.
    Particularly loved the Whitney Houston reference. You go, girl!

  4. You cracked me up! (pun intended!)

  5. Here's how you solve the problem. Carry your own TP with you. Whenever you go to the bathroom, go to your super-secret hiding place and retrieve your roll. Take it with you after you're done and hide it again.

    Lots easier than turning the other cheek.

  6. Do what Ami said. Let the rugrats learn the hard way. Sometimes it's all about tough love.

  7. What I found works best is what I saw in my Aunt's house. Literally a basket in the bathroom filled with rolls of toilet paper.

    Unless someone has to use a dozen at once, everyone should be good to go each time.

  8. Children are willful, disobedient creatures. I've always said this.



  9. OMFG! Do you mean to tell me I am NOT the only one???

    Not just the kids but the 'other half' too... GUILTY Bastard!

    Not just the TP, but the paper towels, dish towels and sometimes other things too. Forget swearing like a sailor- I have had truck drivers, sailors and millitary men blush at some of my beautiful blue streak moments. Let it rip girl, and I'm not just talking about the TP. LOL!

  10. To the tune of the theme song for the television show, 'Branded,' starring Chuck Connors. Who, by the way, is dead. Although that has nothing to do with anything. Except him, I suppose.
    Stuck on the toilet bowl!
    What do you do when you're stranded
    and there's nothing on the roll?
    Oh, you know you're a man
    when you gotta use your hand.
    You're stranded."
    It's amazing the things I dredge up from my childhood.
    I hope therapy will start soon.

  11. I hear the pain. (In the ass.)
    My gripe is not filling the ice trays.

  12. "Half-assed progress.
    And, sure as shit, I'll take it." <-Nice word play, Dawn. You had me bursting into laughter at the Whitney Houston lyrics, too. Then I read Al's comment. I'm good to start my day! Thank you.


  13. "Half-assed progress.
    And, sure as shit, I'll take it." <-Nice word play, Dawn. You had me bursting into laughter at the Whitney Houston lyrics, too. Then I read Al's comment. I'm good to start my day! Thank you.


  14. Don't forget to look for the hidden camera next time you run out.

  15. RJ - I don't know if I'd call it a pleasure, but I would call it necessary!
    Trav - The Dark Side exists. Right here at my place.
    Gale - A few people have suggested such a solution; a basket, a holder nearby, but it won't do any good. I know those kids.
    Eva - Thank you - I do what I can to "crack" folks up.
    Ami - Good idea, but it sounds like too much work. It would teach them to do it themselves, though, or have none!
    Bobo - Tough love...Hmmm...I like it!
    Dwei - Even with a basket, it'd never be on the spool. And that's all I want. ON THE SPOOL!
    Pearl - Yes. Yes they are.
    Pixie - Oh yeah. The other half, too. Just as guilty.
    Al - I fold. That's it. I should have just sent the idea to you and had you written it. Yours is much better! :)
    Larry - We finally solved that problem by getting an automatic ice maker. We were the last family in the free world to do so, according to my daughter.
    Robyn - Yes, those puns just kind of...fell into my lap. ;)
    Jono - Doh! You're right! I hope those two kids never start their OWN blog! Yikes!
    Optimistic - No problem. Thanks for visiting!

  16. LOL, awesome post. Doesn't it always work that way??! This is EXACTLY why my own private bathroom is basically off limits. Still working on training my husband (of 16 years), but at the least the TP replacement cabinet is within reach. Sheesh.

  17. As someone who frequently resorts to peeing in her horse's stall and drip-drying, I'm probably not the one to comment on this.

    Although, I will say... Yet another reason why I'm single and childless.

  18. Is it odd that the picture with the roll balanced on the empty roll had me slightly enraged?

    I should seek counseling.

  19. DUDE!
    You are singing my song. I wrote a blog post blasting hubs for this transgression a few years ago. My kids were too young and innocent to be blamed. ARGH!

    So it's not going to get better--is this what you're trying to tell me? Well hell, at least I'll have an excuse for my boozin!

  20. No, I'm just a clown. You have talent. I COULD have shared my take on the theme for the Addams Family. It started with...
    "When Uncle Fester farted...."
    And on and on.
    Like I said. Clown.
    Uncle Fester's dead, too.
    Then again, so's Morticia. And Gomez.
    Not sure about Pugsley and Wednesday.
    Grandmama definitely.
    Thing almost drowned in a wading pool. Until someone gave him a hand.
    Okay, I really should get to bed now.

  21. Jess - Your own private bathroom?! I'm on my way! TP in hand!!
    Jayne - I, too, am from the countryside, and have no qualms about squatting and drip-drying if needed. How else does one get by on a camping trip, or, say, a really awesome keg party?
    Vixen - Rage was actually my first reaction also.I've learned to temper my feelings to avoid incarceration.
    MTM - My hubs is just as guilty here. But as a good mother, I like to focus on the children. Sometimes.
    Penwasser - You're a clown, yes. But a talented clown. :)

  22. I am often impressed by how much work and creativity people will put into being slack. That image of the TP FAIL was a good example of that. Whoever did that, I am impressed.

  23. I suppose that I am lucky as my family never does this. But. I do live with a person who is firmly a believer in the toilet paper side down application verses the side up one. Which I am on. It's a constant battle.

  24. It's real hard to look like a bad-ass walking out of Walmart with a big batch of TP under your arm.

  25. You know, I have found that the cardboard tubes are adequately absorbent if one allows a little time first to drip dry. At least it will get you to the TP stash. At least it used to. Post-menopause, the little time to drip dry is followed by a whole new party-crashing torrent. One must use the cardboard thoughtfully, grasshopper.

  26. NY - I agree. It almost took more energy to balance that roll on the holder than it would have just to throw the cardboard away!
    Maria - That is just how I would describe it. A constant battle.
    Ron - It is real hard to look like a badass at Walmart. Period. ;)
    Murr - Great minds. I also, ahem, may have, um, pressed the TP carboard into "service" a time or two. And that's all I have to say about that.

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