Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year's Fails. Er...Resolutions

(Post copyright 2012 - WTFFFFF!!!??? Where's my Hover-Car?, Dawn Weber)

Well, it's the New Year. I can tell because my pants are once again choking my ovaries.

They're also strangling my kidneys, intestines, and spleen. My liver? Has its own battles to fight.

My pants are assholes.

I bet yours are, too.

No wonder. The main damn four food groups these past few weeks have been cookies, fudge, candy and cookie dough. Strangers have asked me when the baby is due.

And then I punch them in the throat.

My healthy and wholesome recent lifestyle - and profoundly tight pants - signal that it's time to lie to myself make some New Year's fails resolutions. Again. For some reason, my fails resolutions are the same each year.

I bet yours are, too.

We will...

Lose weight!
Spend more time with family!
Stop punching strangers in the throat!

Yeah, right. Fail, fail and fail some more.

I have good intentions. But somehow, throughout the year, I get sidetracked with more important things. Such as working, sleeping and Googling pictures of Mike Rowe. I have a Dirty Job for you, Mike Rowe...

No more. I've decided that it's time to get real. Be honest. Ask yourself: What can I truly accomplish in one year's time?

Here at the Lighten Up! Self Help Center (Motto: Better Living Through Chemistry), I have put together some practical, do-able goals for all of us.

No thanks is necessary. Just send cash.

Or a nice box of wine.

Repeat after me, party people:

-I resolve to eat healthier potato chips.
-I resolve to go to church bi-annually.
-I resolve to help my fellow man be less idiotic.
-I resolve to get more sleep -ing pills
-I resolve to learn new things in the bedroom.
-I resolve to be a nicer person to animals.
-I resolve to pray for more money.
-I resolve to be a better role model for crackheads.
-I resolve to volunteer to punch idiots in the throat.
-I resolve to give more money to the Walmart and Target corporations.
-I resolve to quit drinking non-alcoholic beverages.
-I resolve to control my road rage when asleep in the passenger seat.
-I resolve to be happier about my humdrum existence.
-I resolve to cuss less at church. Bi-annually.
-I resolve to read more erotica.
-I resolve to quit smoking crack.
-I resolve to eat less vegetables.

These we can do, folks. No more New Year's fails. Yes sir, I am feeling really good about it.

And that ain't just the crack-pipe talkin'.


Eva Gallant said...

I love your resolutions!!

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

LOL! Boy can I relate. I tried my work pants on yesterday and I thought I had someone else's pants on! ;0-)

R. Jacob said...

I resolve to

eat chips with beer
to send someone else to church for me
realize my fellow man is an idiot
stop sleeping
find a new bedroom
get a lab from the shelter
laugh at the idiots
befriend a crackhead
give money to a local bar
drink only beer
try driving on the road for a change
cussing at church ...see above church
get a woman to read erotic stuff to me
start smoking
to drink more
I feel better!

Kerbi said...

Ooooh, Mmiiiiiiike Rrowwwe......what else? Did you say something? What?

Christy @ Insanity Is Not An Option said...

Great list my friend...very doable! I'm very PROUD of you! No more lofty goals for you! SCORE! ;)

Ruth said...

I don't know about the church thing.
Does it count if they're funerals?

anthony stemke said...

Great resolutions here. Glad to see you will be working on your drinking and cussing. cm

Jono said...

Those are the most realistic resolutions I have read! Such awesome clarity of thought!

barbsblast said...

Love it, hilariously cynical! Nothing like low expectations to launch the new year.

Al Penwasser said...

I've NEVER asked a woman if she was pregnant.
Or a man.
But, I'm guessing that would be self-evident.
Read more erotica?

Muffy Morgan said...

Among crackheads.
I realized I hadn't been feeling very bloggy inspired because I hadn't been drinking enough...
Problem solved! I'm baaaAAAAaaack!
Happy 2012 sister!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

With or without the crack, you crack me up. Thanks.

Oh and I'm also grateful you'll be helping your fellow man be less idiotic.

Happy 2012, Dawn.

Gene Pool Diva said...

Now you're talking. I started holiday eating in October when I had to face Brat's driving, and I stopped, oh, yesterday.

BragonDorn said...

I need help to resolve my road rage too :O It is bad.

SherilinR said...

now those are some totally do-able goals! i applaud you on making a list for yourself that should make you feel good in the lovely way that i'm sure you will accomplish it, all year long.

Marlia said...

Based on my unique abilities here is your revised list for me:
- I resolve to eat
- I resolve to drive past a church
- I resolve to tell my fellow man he IS an idiot.
-I resolve to sleep through meetings.
- I resolve to study calculus in the bedroom
- I resolve to be a nicer person to the animals in the house next door
- I resolve to play for money
- I resolve to be a better roll model
- I resolve to volunteer my opinions
- I resolve to start drinking so I can quit drinking...water
- I resolve to control my road...
- I resolve to be humpier
- I resolve to cuss more or less depending on the idiot in front of me
- I resolve to read more into things
- I resolve to quick smoking from my ears
- I resolve to eat....hmm again?

love your blog soooo much.

Marlia said...

..and I think I meant to quit smoking, but quick works too.....

Dawn in D.C. said...

Love your resolutions! They seem quite do-able.

P.S. as your best buddy, you'll let me know if you find any naked pictures of Mike Rowe, right?

Linda G. said...

LOL! Now, there's a list of resolutions I can actually get behind.

Kristi said...

I just discovered your blog. I love this post! Good luck on all your resolutions.

One Bad Pixie said...

Sux when the 'fat pants' are no longer the 'fat pants'!

Love your resolutions. I think a little moderation of all resolutions is in order for everyone this time around.

Pearl said...

My pants are assholes, too. What is it with pants, anyway? And more importantly, what's up with its SEAMS and why do they keep imprinting themselves on my tender flesh?!


DWei said...

Oh man, that sounds like my resolutions for previous years.

Hopefully this year will be different.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Eva - Care to join me?
Heidi - Maybe that's it! Maybe I'm wearing my daughter's size teeny-bopper pants?....Crap. They're mine.
R.J. - I hope you DO get a lab from the shelter! Let us know!
Kerbi - I DID say Mike Rowe. Kerbi? Are you listening?
Ruth - Funerals totally count.
Christy and Anthony - I keep my standards low.
Jono - Thank you. Just keepin' it real.
Barb - I only listed what I knew I could accomplish.
Al - Yes, I am all about the reading. ;)
Muffy - I strive to inspire crackheads everywhere.
Robyn - Crack is such a funny word. I enjoy throwing it down whenever I can.
Gene Pool - I have read about your Brat and her driving. Don't blame you one bit.
Bragon - I recommend sleeping in the passenger seat for that. But only if you're not driving.
Sherilyn - Klassy with a K, that's me. ;)
Marlia - Love your resolutions! Especially 'humpier.'
Dawn - You know I got your back with the Naked Mike Rowe pix. Word.
Linda - We can do it!
Kristi - Thanks for drinking the Kool Aid here at Lighten Up!
Pixie - Absolutely. My fat pants are straining at the seams, which leads me to...
Pearl - I have the seam imprints too. Seam imprints are also assholes.
Dwei - We can do this. One day at a time...

Heather@ That Uncomfortable Itch said...

So many pants are assholes. Why is that? If they're snuggling your lady parts all day wouldn't you think they'd be grateful and kind? Bastards. I find yoga pants or pj's to be the kindest of the bunch. Jeans though, they are simply pricks. Happy New Year!

BlackLOG said...

I'm giving up being nice to old people – well the smelly ones that don’t make an effort

Holding the door open for people – well the people that barge through you and don’t even acknowledge you

Signing for the blind - Very little acknowledgement of my efforts

Singing to the deaf – They don’t know what they are missing

Stopping at red lights – wastes too much fuel – I have a planet to save officer

Driving slowly – all that zooming through red light means I’m saving so much fuel the economy is suffering so I have to use more somehow....

Vapid Vixen said...

I didn't make a single resolution this year so that makes me an even bigger failure. And yet, I'm feeling pretty good about it.

Stacey said...

Great list. I think I can actually stick with some of those!

Classic NYer said...

Is it weird that this post made me want to google images of mike rowe?

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