Thursday, December 15, 2011

Santa and His Bra


(post copyright 2010, Dawn Weber. Slightly re-worked post from last year. Because - surprise! - I'm a little busy over here!)

Pssst...Santa wears a bra. And panties. And, sometimes, pumps.

That's because he is a she.

Has to be. Take a look around - there's no other way to explain it. All around the U.S., women are frantically planning for the holiday season.

And men...aren't.

I hate to sound sexist. So I'll just perpetuate a male/female stereotype. This time of year, women cook. We clean. We decorate. We bake cookies for entire school districts. We plan gourmet menus for people we hate.

We deck the freaking halls.

Females stalk sales, surf the web, shop the shops and max out the credit cards. We Blacken Friday.

That's because we have to buy for kids, husbands, moms and dads. We have to buy for aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas, friends, friends' kids, dogs, cats, garbage men, the homeless and homeless garbage men.

There is one - and only one - logical reason for this: We are suckas...Sucka Clauses.

Guys? They don't worry about this stuff. They don't have to. They have us.

Hold the angry comments - because I know there are exceptions not many. But for the most part, women regard December 1 as the beginning of a frantic, stressful emergency.

Men regard December first as...December first.

In fact, the whole season takes my husband by surprise.

On December 10: "What? You bought 80 Christmas cards!? Do we KNOW 80 people?"

On December 15: "What? You want to get a Christmas tree? Already?"

On December 20: "What? You want to put up lights? Already?"

And my personal favorite, on December 24: "What do you want for Christmas, dear? It's time for me to start shopping..."

Of course, my holiday shopping began in December, too. December of last year.

Purchasing presents ranks as the only holiday activity I enjoy. That's because it's the one time of year that I can spend many thousands of dollars! Virtually guilt-free! Because it's for others! Mostly. Except for those boots...and that Ipod...and...

So as not to cause the husband's first heart attack yet, I usually try to space out gift-buying over several paychecks. I don't always succeed, though, judging by our recent conversation:

"Holy s%#t!" he said, looking at the checkbook register.

"I know," I said. "But I had to start shopping so the stuff gets shipped on time."

"But four hundred forty- eight DOLLARS?!!" he said. "What did you buy?!"

"Stuff for the kids...the grandmas... And I'm not even close to done yet, so stop complaining," I said.

"But...four hundred forty-eight dol..." he said.

"You think this stuff just magically appears under the tree, don't you?" I said.

"Don't Santa and the elves bring it?" he said.

"You're lookin' at Santa. And the elves. And her checkbook," I said. "Now, hand us a beer, would ya? We're beat, and these new boots are killing us."

21 comments:

DWei said...

Today I Learned I shop for gifts like a woman. ._.

R. Jacob said...

well, since I bake and cook, I am good to go on that part. But the shopping, yep. And here is proof!

http://rjacobpostpoeticmuses.blogspot.com/2009/12/christmas-shopping.html

Back when I was single that is how I was. Come to think of it, I still am!
And if I knew Santa was so cute I would have stayed up later. lol

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

TOTALLY true. Men think they can pull it all together on December 24th. If we were smart, we'd let them try one year. FUNNY post.

Linda G. said...

Ha! Amen, sistah.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You said it, and quite well. Sometimes one wonders if men are merely acting so clueless. Then one realizes no - they just are.

I hope Santa and the elves enjoy those hard-earned boots.

Keep enjoying the season.
xoRobyn

Audubon Ron said...

Oh no you don’t. Don’t be messing up my idea of Santa. I know there is a Santa. And he looks like Red Skelton. That stuff does magically appear under the tree, it does, it does huh Honey? (She said yeah). You’re a mean lady in boots and Ipod, make her stop, make her stop, abluubbbbba, abluubbbba, why am I now talking in tongues…

DearHelenHartman said...

THIS is the real secret we are keeping from the kiddies. Mama Claus drinks beer and while she's shopping, she buys stuff for herself. Yeah. You heard me. Me stuff. 'bout dang time. Oh, Merry Christmas suckas!

Eva Gallant said...

Love it!

Martha said...

Too true! Except my husband, instead of being clueless, stomps around the house talking about how hard it is to shop for Christmas, how much he hates it, etc. The only person he has to shop for? Me. On the upside, I DO get some pretty rockin' presents some times! Well, except for that year of the titanium spork....

laughingmom said...

I'm thinking Santa with the fur and leather would probably be more of a bustier type, maybe with some thigh high fishnets. Now there's a mental image to try to erase!!

Wow, that was awkward said...

I always knew you put the ho in ho ho ho.

Dawn in DC's Dad said...

Guilty as charged...

Heather@ That Uncomfortable Itch said...

So true! Every year I wonder how I am going to pull it off and fantasize for the whole damn thing to be over.

muffintopmommy said...

Omg Dawn, hilarious!
Loveee it.
(P.S>.I think I have one of the two men in the US who likes to shop. Don't kill me!)

Marlia said...

If I could stop chuckling long enough I would say "great post, very funny". Oh wait... I just did. Great post, very funny.

master of none said...

After reading this one, I don't know if I'll ever think of Santa the same. I don't remember Santa cross-dressing in my favorite Christmas special "Santa Clause is Coming to Town." (I must have been in the bathroom during that part.) Very funny column and true. (My wife wears the red pants in my house too.)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Dwei - Then your woman is one very lucky...woman.
RJ - Loved the post. And thanks for the compliment. You made me blush!
Heidi - Let's do it! Let's do it next year!
Linda - Word.
Robyn - I am enjoying the boots. A well deserved reward. They're made for walkin'.
Ron - Quit yer cryin'. These boots are made for kickin', too.
Helen - Ain't it the truth? Cheers!
Eva - I want the vibrating panties I saw on YOUR blog! Ha!
Martha - A titanium spork?! Where's my debit card?
laughingmom - Santa has fishnets, too, which leads me to...
Wow - I do, don't i?
Dawn's Dad - It's all good. ;)
Heather - Me too! Only 11 days till Jan 1! Whee!
MTM - Can I borrow him?
Marlia - Thank you, mi-lady.
Master - I rock the red pants all December long.

Vapid Vixen said...

This is the first year I've ever, in my life, bothered to put up a Christmas tree. To date, I've bought one Christmas present. I'll need to embrace my feminine side a little earlier in the month next year.

Al Penwasser said...

I helped Mrs. Penwasser today! I pushed the cart for her at Walmart.
And, um, well, I, uh, that is...
I pushed the cart to the car.
Happy Holidays!
P.S. She's wrapping gifts right now. While I'm, um, well, err, uh...
Did I mention the cart?

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Vixen - You're still single, right? I remember those days. Didn't worry much about Christmas, either. Good times.
Penwasser - Mrs. Penwasser has my sympathies. For many reasons. ;)

anthony stemke said...

We go to garage sales regularly. My beautiful spouse has a big box in her closet and throughout the year fills it with gifts.
I am always with her, so there.