Thursday, June 30, 2011

Spanx You Very Much! (Winning: Part Two)

(post copyright, 2011, Dawn Weber)
Very few friends will let you into their pants.

Unless you buy them a drink first.

Lighten up, Frances. You too, Esther. Don't start writing in nasty comments about my foul mouth again. I'm saying my buddy Robin Spanxed me...all the way from Cleveland.

And I loved it.

Yep. I had quite a dilemma last week: I was up for the Humor (under 50,000 circulation) award at the National Society of Newspaper Columnists Conference in Detroit Saturday evening. I was also going on vacation the five days before this event - arguably one of the biggest nights of my life. So I needed to continue to fit into this dress, which is - amazingly enough for me - not from Walmart:

Yeah - it's all shits and giggles, rainbows and unicorns the day before vacation, when the dress still fits.
Obviously, I had two choices:
1. Eat, drink and be merry or
2. Fit into expensive, non-Walmart dress

Have you met me?

Yeah. I was merry.

Then I was worried.

What if I waddled to the podium? What if I popped a zipper on the way up? What if I burst forth from the dress like a stuffed sausage, and everyone saw my goodies?

I took my concerns to the experts - the girls on Facebook. My friend Robin, author of this hilarious blog, didn't let me down. She reminded me of Spanx.

You've heard of Spanx. Sounds modern, sounds sassy. Right?

It's a girdle. It may look a little different, but it's a girdle. As in your granny's girdle. As in sucks-in-the-gut-girdle.

As in crack-open-a-vacation-beer-because-you-have-a-girdle...girdle.

I never thought I'd wear a girdle. To do so, in my mind, admits defeat. Although people usually don't believe it, I work out like an O.C.D. idiot.

But obviously I had a situation - a vacation situation.

The good news for me? Robin owns Spanx.

Robin hates Spanx.

This worked to my benefit, because she gladly said she'd part with her Spanx and send it to me via Priority Mail so I'd have it in time for Saturday night.

People: A friend who loans you her intimate apparel? Who rushes said skivvies through the U.S. Postal System so you have it in time for the weekend? Keep this person close to your big belly heart. Forever.

Yes, a solution was on its way. Witness the following Facebook transaction:

The Girdle is in transit. I repeat. The Girdle is in transit.
June 20 at 1:47pm ·  ·  · See Friendship

  • You and Kerbi Sexton like this.

    • Marcia Camino um...
      June 20 at 1:59pm · 

    • Dawn Weber You are so awesome! ! Now I can relax! *cracks open another Landshark*
      Srsly. You're awesome

      June 20 at 2:46pm · 

    • Robin Daugherty Suttell I think Marcia is a bit concerned about the whole operation. :)
      June 20 at 2:53pm · 

    • Dawn Weber She is just jealous cuz she isn't borrowing your intimate apparel. Everybody wants to get in your pants. *knee slap*
      June 20 at 3:13pm · 

    • Marcia Camino If it's a girdle then of course I'm jealous!! You two have your secret language that sprinkles into your postings on occasion. I have to crack the code. I thought 'girdle' was code for something like a secret tech tool for a double agent or operative.
      June 20 at 3:42pm · 

    • Robin Daugherty Suttell No...we're really talking about Spanx this time. I'm apparently the official Spanx Higher Power lending library. Although I hate that thing so much, she can keep it if she wants.
      June 20 at 3:45pm ·  ·  1 person

    • Dawn Weber I'm super-thankful to borrow it, but from the looks of things, it'll be difficult to breathe. I think I can handle one night, but you're talking to a woman who regularly walks around with the top button of her pants undone for comfort.
      June 20 at 4:01pm ·  ·  2 people

    • Robin Daugherty Suttell Dude, I already told ya...the thigh zone is so tight that I put runs in it trying to put it on the only time I wore it.
      June 20 at 4:06pm ·  ·  1 person

    • Marcia Camino crack. me. up.
      June 20 at 7:35pm · 

    • Robin Daugherty Suttell I'm not kidding. Thing was so damn tight, I ripped it a bit trying to put it on. I shoulld have known better at that point and let the flab hang free.
      June 20 at 7:37pm · 

    • Dawn Weber OK. Now I'm frightened.
      June 20 at 7:57pm · 

    • Robin Daugherty Suttell Be afraid. Be very afraid. Let's just say I'm wearing a knit dress today, and even if that thing wasn't somewhere in the US Postal System, I wouldn't be wearing it.
      June 21 at 4:55pm ·  ·  1 person

The package arrived on time, but I was still kind of frightened, so I didn't open it until I was getting ready for the awards dinner. I pulled a tiny sliver of fabric from the envelope. Surely, Robin was punkin' me. It was the size and width of a snake.

I am the size and width of a heifer middle-aged mother-of-two. Who may or may not have some food issues. Who - as we discussed earlier - sometimes gets merry.

Obviously, I would need some assistance.

"Uh, honey?," I called to the husband. "Can you help me with this thing?"
"What thing?" he said. "I don't see anything."
"," I said, holding up the tube-snake of fabric.
"What is that? A sock?" he asked.
"'s Spanx. It's a girdle. It goes over my legs and torso," I said.

It took him a while to stop laughing. But eventually, we got to work. We sweated. We wrestled. We pulled. We rested. Don't be pervy! And then we sweated, wrestled and pulled some more. You perve.

Finally, we had success, and the thing was painted on my body. I looked at myself in the mirror. Gone were my hips, my twice-pregnant belly, my infernal thighs. Gone was most of my womanhood.

I had the shape of a 13-year-old boy. With boobs.

In other words, I fit today's beauty standard. Perfectly.

It was - sadly - awesome.

Thanks to the girdle, we were running late, so I pulled on my dress and we rushed out the door.

Walking in Spanx is like continual resistance training. It's like 39,000 rubber bands, wrapped stubbornly, and somewhat painfully, around your body.

It's like the slow, methodical strangulation of a boa constrictor.

But I'll tell you what - it worked. Despite my week of vacation partaking, I looked OK in the little black dress. And the butterflies in my stomach? Gone. Smothered and smashed, no doubt, by the boa constrictor Spanx.

Just as I predicted, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists awarded me and Robin's Spanx third place. Not bad at all - this-here girdled-gal has only written humor for two years.

I may have placed third, but I felt like a Grand Champion. Because walking - not waddling - to the stage to get my award, I did not pop a zipper. I did not burst forth from the dress like a stuffed sausage.

And no one - not even one person - saw my goodies.

That, my friends, is what I call a raging success.
I'd like to Spanx the Academy...


  1. Sorry Dawn. Don't have time for much of a comment. I am not wearing Spanx and bust a gut laughing. I now have to repair the zipper on my pants and stuff me back inside them BEFORE any else arrives at work.

  2. Don't forget that Target has "Assets" -- hee hee hee -- for considerably less money than Spanx.

    You're welcome. :-)


  3. Oh my! Loved it. I've often wondered just how many inches Spanx can compress, but I am so afraid to try them....what happens if the Spanx create NEW, previously nonexistent rolls in places no one has seen rolls before, like mid-thigh where they start, or under the boobies where they end? I mean, just where does the snake-band stop constricting all the extra flesh? I'm scared. I think I am destined to stay round.
    CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS on your award! It's an awesome achievement!!

  4. Congrats on the award, and for discovering what Spanx can do for your figure. They have saved many a class reunion for me!

  5. I have plenty of junk in my trunk, but I think I must have bought "Spanx: the mercy edition". Mine aren't as you described. They smooth me, and make me look good, but they don't hurt, nor are they too constricting or hard to put on. I like my Spanx!

    Spanx Lite? (love taps)
    Spanx: the Less Constricting Constrictor?

    Anyway, congratulations again, and you. rook. mahvorous.

  6. Congratulations on not popping a zipper!
    Just so you know (maybe you do), the word "spanx" has a whole different meaning for a guy. Done alone or (preferably) with a good (female!!) buddy (or wife, lover, coquettish librarian, beautiful stranger. We're not picky), "spanx" is a wonderful thing.
    Question: Did you have to check your unicorns or were you allowed to carry them on the plane?

  7. You looked great and re-congrats!

    Now burn the spanx and be merry! :D

  8. OH GOD. There is no way I could ever girdle it in. Seriously. I value comfort above all else and if that means I'll be wearing a mou-mou, then so be it!

    Congrats by the way!

  9. What a fun post. To read. I would not like to try to get this hippo of a bod into a sock-sized girdle!

  10. Congrats on the award.

    The reason I have lived a long life is I learned early on not to make comments in these type situations.

    You look mav-a-lous.

  11. Spanx sound scary! But if they work, after I squeeze this baby out, I may have to try and wrestle my way into some and pretend I know what it's like to have a nice body again. I wonder if I know anyone nice enough to lend me

  12. Ok...trying this comment thing again, since I wasn't able to do it from my phone this a.m. and be the first one on the board.

    So glad my used underpinnings worked for you. I really did feel like Ed Grimley when I busted them out for the ol' 20th reunion a few years back. Just not comfortable with a full complement of Spandex running from my thighs to my boob line. I think I'll just let the jiggles shake it like the good Lord made it.

    Except for my belly. That's why I now wear granny briefs with control top power with my knit dresses and skirts. I can handle a waistline above the belly long as it isn't reaching my bra.

    Ed Grimley. Indeed.

  13. Back in the 70's when a girdle was a girlde, I fell off a stool and broke my arm at school. Cast on arm, home, bed, school the next day. Seeing Dr. Hubby trying to cram blubber into that girdle still makes me laugh. Never questioned what would happen if I had to go to the John. Needless to say, no girdle from then on. If they start charging for lap over rears on airplane seats, may have to investigate spanx. Congrats on both major events

  14. You beat me to it (my blog was Spanx a lot)--but yours is way funnier. Anyone who shares her spanx with you should be in your will. HILARIOUS!!

  15. I love wandering over to a new blog by accident and falling in love, I , uh mean, loving the word craftsmanship of this blog. Congratulations to me, your newest follower!

  16. Does this spanx thing work for guys like me too? Have a *slight* bulge that might need to be pushed in - for a more tight fitting trim 6-pack illusion - oh yeah and that love handle.. would love to look like a 13 year old boy - without the boobs of course... hilarious post.. thanks for the giggles and the unicorns obviously..

  17. This was great! Congrats on the award! I have yet to try Spanx of any variety - but love your description - If it had been me, as soon as I squeezed everything inside of the tube sock, my bladder would react to it's new surroundings by insisting that I had to pee. I would have never gotten out of the door - Spanx on - gotta pee - spanx off - repeat.

  18. Congratulations on the award!

    Such a funny story. I can just "see" it all.

    Have to admit that my "assets" are quite comfortable yet give me a smoother, trimmer look. Up to boobs, huh? Mine only comes up to waist. I bought a top that is supposed to control abdomen only. Wrong! The girls lose inches too.

  19. Congrats on the award! And a friend who will send you intimate garments and not expect, hm, favors? Priceless indeed.

    Although there IS the option of you being, well, you.


    I'm fat. No amount of spanx or spanking will change that right now... and there's comfort in that. It's not like wearing a loose shirt will hide it.

  20. I prefer the trusty old breath and suck it all in method…true it doesn’t aid your conversation but other people get some nice talking point as you slowly start turn blue before flopping around on the floor like a fish on a beach….

  21. Pearl - I am on my way to Target!
    Kerbi - There were no extra rolls. Thing was too tight to cause other rolls.
    Meg - My reunion is next year. Maybe I'll recover by then? lol
    Susan - Maybe you could mail me your Spanx next time? ;)
    Al - Yes! I have been married 16 years, so I am well aware of the other meaning of "Spanx." Mm-hmm. ;)
    Bobo - A-to-the-men! Merry again!
    Laura - wearing a muu-muu on vacation was what got me into this mess, er, Spanx.
    Eva - I don't blame you. Not at all.
    Ron - that's a good idea. Just smile and say "You look great." Smart!
    OT - Thanks!! That means a lot, coming from you. :)
    Irish - Your body will be lovely. The only reason I Spanxed myself was for the big event. Don't put yourself thru it! haha
    Robin and Heidi - thanks AGAIN! You will indeed be, as Heidi said, in my will. :)
    Jody - awesome story. The things men do for us, huh? Then again, the things we do for them ;)
    R. Jacob - thanks so much for joining and drinking my Kool Aid! It's spiked!
    Zack - I will give you unicorns any day. ;)
    laughingmom - my bladder was indeed taxed. Along with all my other internal organs...
    Sharon, it is some kind of contraption, that's for sure.
    Ami - If I was any more "me" I'd scare people. haha. This was just for a big night, after a big vacay. Normally, I walk around with the top button of my pants undone ;)
    Blacklog - I, too, am a great fan of the suck-in method. But I needed to breathe. Passing out? Not an option. :)

  22. You see how modern technology makes life far more worth living? I'll bet they don't wear Spanx in Communist China (though they probably make them there).

  23. I own spanx. I've worn them once. I keep them just in case there is a dire emergency, for instance, if one of my Top Five List calls and wants a date. Other than that, it hangs out in the fancy pantie drawer.

    Congrats on your award! You look fahhhbulous!

  24. HIL-AR-I-OUS!!!! Congrats on your award too! That is super-freaky-awesome!

    Welcome to the wonderful world of Spanx. Priorities! Like you, would rather be merry than firm. I'll take an Iron City and a Primanti's sammich in my Spanx over a salad in a bikini (bwah!) any day.

  25. I can way relate. Who doesn't have body issues? Nobody I'd want to know, anyway. Congratulations on your award. You never fail to crack me up. Keep on fighting all the good fights and making us laugh along the way. And, yes, there is a Spanx equivalent for men. How do I know? Job interview after a lengthy layoff. That's all I'm saying about that.

  26. You know how a new reader will read the latest post first? well, I am one and this is your latest post. I have seen this technology advancement for women before. I think I caught a glimpse of it while my wife was struggling. It comes in different lengths right? I have nightmares of pulling some skin like thing off my tired sweating wife.
    oh congrats on the award - good thing you got it before sharing this with them.

  27. Robert - I am sure they are made in a torture device.
    Dawn - thank you! I, too, have a fancy panty drawer. It seldom gets opened.
    Silver Dollar Will - Spanx for men? Interesting! Glad I crack you up. Just doing my job.
    Iris - Firm - meh. Merry? Yes, please!
    Lisleman - Yes, I am hoping NSNC doesn't boot me out for posts such as this. Then again, I'll always have my blog readers. All nine of them.

  28. Dawn, this is your funniest one yet. I actually "lol"ed! Several times! wondering if the Spanx made you unable to eat the (probably chicken) dinner at the "banquet"?
    Especially loved the "spanx you very much" at the end. <3

  29. CONGRATULATIONS!! That is an amazing accomplishment, and to top that off with your Spanx saga?! I'm very impressed with you, Dawn.

    As usual, you had me laughing throughout this post. I especially love this part: "I had the shape of a 13-year-old boy. With boobs. In other words, I fit today's beauty standard. Perfectly." So true.

    PS Thanks for the facebook connection. I think I need to befriend this other Robin now. My ever growing belly tells me so.

    Be well.

  30. Gale - THANK YOU! And yeah, the word "Spanx" is screaming for attention, which I'm sure is what its marketers wanted.
    Robyn - I'm glad we're connected, too! And yes, friend Robin DS. She is a hoot and a half.

  31. Congratulations on the award. Even more so on not waddling up to get it thanx to Spanx! I may have to try them out now. I have a few pairs of jeans I would like to fit back into without having to lay on the bed to get them zipped. Any recommendations?

    Any friend that sends you their underpinings in the mail- has no shame. True friend and they better be in the will!

  32. Congrats on 3rd place! I hope you celebrated by burning those spanx while drinking a glass of wine and enjoying some chocolate cake. :)