Monday, July 25, 2011

Warning: Excessive Cussing Ahead. Because Excessive Junk Is Involved.

(post copyright, 2011, Dawn Weber)

Behold my junk:


And also my feet. Made you look.

I know. It's hideous. Feel free to turn away. For I am ashamed of my junk. A massive tangle of USB, A/V and charger cords for electronics dating back to the Carter administration.

It's a mess. It's a disaster. It’s a landfill in a box. It's...

The Asshole Drawer of Shame.

And I feel bad about it.

Need a certain cord for your IPod? Your 8-track? Perhaps your Victrola? Go ahead. Dig in. Knock yourself out. More than likely, I have it, because I keep all cords.

Hey - I might need them someday.

Shame on my drawers. People think this is my allocated "Junk Drawer." No, friends, no. I have another entire Asshole Junk Drawer dedicated to other things. Paperclips. Rubber Bands. Penis Drinking Straws from my Bachelorette Party.

You know. All the important stuff.

I also have: An Asshole Closet of Shame, An Asshole Cupboard of  Shame and even an entire Asshole ROOM of Shame.

I feel bad about them, too. In fact, like most females, I feel bad about lots of things.

Guilt: the original Woman’s Work. But that’s another post. Stay tuned…

Recently, I needed an “Aux In” cord to connect my Ipod to the truck‘s stereo. I know I have one of these cords. In fact, I know I have several of these cords. And I know where they lurk.

In the Asshole Drawer of Shame.

I had to dig into the ADOS. The hands went clammy, blood pressure rose, heart raced… I wasn’t sure I could handle it, but  it had to be done.

 I used my Lamaze breathing, my cardio stamina. I meditated and chanted to Jesus and - just to be safe - Allah. (Sorry, Jesus).

And I did it - I burrowed into the embarrassing mass. I untangled. I untwisted. I wrestled. Sweating, I untangled, untwisted and wrestled again.

Then, I chugged some whiskey.

Did I find the Asshole “Aux In” cord? No sir. I did not.

I found every-flippin‘-other-thing, though. Especially things I didn’t need or want. Especially things I wasn‘t seeking.

Especially Asshole Things I’ll Probably Never Use Again.

Like the cord for the camcorder, which we haven‘t turned on in five years. Like the box for my Ipod, the warranty long expired. Like a teething ring for the baby. The baby who starts third grade in a couple weeks. The baby who can do long division.

None of  these things were the “Aux In” cord. No sir. Not one.

I could put all these Asshole Things on the Asshole Chair of Shame, also known as The Chair of Things to Donate to Goodwill. Otherwise known as the Asshole Chair That Fills Up Every Weekend.


I really hate to do that, though.

 Because hey - I might need them someday.

25 comments:

  1. I have a pile of receipts of shame....

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  2. That many a-holes can only mean that you're full of waste material.

    See what I mean?

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  3. LOL! Hey, don't forget keys. I cannot throw away a key for the life of me, even if I have no idea what it was for. Because, yannoh, it's a KEY. I might need it someday to open something. Or start something. Or something something...

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  4. I have a whole house of asshole of shame. Don't feel bad.

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  5. You and my husband have a lot in common. I'm a great believer that If you haven't used it in 6 months, throw it away!

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  6. Dawn's (in DC) DadJuly 25, 2011 at 10:08 AM

    I have an ADOS. My wonderful wife came in one day and went through it and put like items into zip lock baggies. So now I guess it's a semi-ADOS.

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  7. Laughed hardest at finding the teething thing for the baby starting in third grade and doing long division. Everybody has those asshole places. And of course when you can't find what you are looking for, you will go buy another one and lose it soon after. I have about seven little screwdriver cases for fixing sunglasses.

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  8. Thank you for coming clean and baring your ass....hole drawer. Now I don't feel so badly about my cupboard, my closet, and my junk drawer. I shoulddddda KNOWN my bdb would be in on the drawers from hell with me!! WOOP!

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  9. We have an Asshole Basket of Shame that sits on our kitchen counter. The only thing that it is good for is reproducing cheap earbuds. Whenever I'm desperate seems like something has given birth to one in there.Congrats on your NSNC award. That's something to be proud of.

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  10. Anytime I try to clean out and organize my asshole stashes they morph into a pile of ass in some other place in the house. It's like the pink Cat in the Hat ring. It's hard to get rid of ass.

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  11. I've done the walk of shame from assholes like that too. I know the humiliation and horror when we stop to consider what we let get into those drawers.
    Hang in there, sister.
    Have a great week, hon. =)
    xoRobyn

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  12. I have an entire asshole inside the house. And the shame that goes along with him. It. I meant IT...

    Please excuse me while I try to get this right.

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  13. You certainly did make me look! That's so funny! Every house has an asshole (sometimes 4).

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  14. Bwah-ha-ha!! I have an asshole HOUSE of shame. That does it..we are asshole sisters, for sure.

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  15. Looking at your pictures, I could have sworn someone had snuck in and stolen my stuff! And I was prepared to be eternally grateful, and then I looked again and nope, still there! Heh, I might still use it one day. and then again...

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  16. Honey, if yous gots drawers...there is always an asshole in it. That's how it was intended to be. And that's the truth. Pthwaaaaaatthh!!!
    Loved it! I'm glad you explained the chair. It almost scared me. I turned my head to see if you posted it sideways! :)

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  17. Hey. Isn't that the TV from beside the pool? You can't throw it away. It could be valuable or NEEDED one day. I gave up on my drawer of shame and went directly to the house of shame. No, not the one I live in. The yard building. We only have one so far.

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  18. Yo, guess what sister? Goodwill don't want that shit neither. Sorry. You got to buck-up and wear a cup and drag that shit to the curb.

    And let that be a lesson to you, you landfill loading acquisition junky, NEVER, buy anything electronic again - ever.

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  19. That's it, I'm calling Hoarders on your ass.

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  20. I have more junk drawers than regular drawers! I swear!

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  21. I have an asshole sewing accessory drawer filled with 2 to 4 inch pieces of trims, rick rac, ribbons and scraps of binding. And technically? I don't even sew.

    Hey! That's my dad up there! ^

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  22. Bobo - Our Receipts of Shame are in the other Drawer of Shame.
    Susan - you are absolutely right. You nailed it. ;)
    Linda - "Yannoh..." haha. Love that. I also have a Keyring of Shame.
    OT - Thanks! I feel much better. :)
    Eva - Please come over and be my life coach. Please?
    Dawn's Dad - Sounds like have a Ziploc Baggie O' Shame
    Wow - That reminds me. My sunglasses are broken. Need to borrow your lil screwdrivers.
    MTM - I will bare my ass...hole drawer for you anytime, my BDB.
    South Main - Thank you! And we actually have Longaberger Asshole Baskets of Shame. Word.
    Itch - You said it. Very hard to get rid of ass. Love that scene in Cat in the Hat, BTW...
    Robyn - I am ashamed, my dear. I really need to dig into the Asshole Drawer of Shame.
    Heidi - I knew I could make you look. You perv. ;)
    Iris - I knew from the very first moment I met you, that you were an asshole...sister. ;) Love ya!
    R.J.- What's this you say? You have stuff to give away? Talk to me.
    Nursey - That chair scares me every damn day. Soon as I empty it, it fills up again. Asshole Chair.
    Wanda - No, it's not the TV from the pool, but it IS the old stereo from the pool...
    Ron - Goodwill always takes my shit. They want my shit.
    Candice - Thank God someone had the ballz to have an intervention with me. Hoarders is on the way.
    Laura - May all your drawers be junk drawers, AssholeJunk Sista.
    Dawn - I saw your Dad commented! Adorable! xxoo for your Dad!!

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  23. You know, it's not all YOUR fault. I blame engineers... particularly electrical engineers.

    They seem to think they have to develop a new "standard" for every new device. If the automobile industry were designed the same way as the electronics industry, you would have to by Toyota gas for your Toyota and could only put Ford tires on your Ford. It's crazy!!

    Look at a new TV today and it has the following inputs: HDMI, RCA Composite, RCA Component, S-Video and USB.

    My buddy just bought a new Toyota Camry. He had to "program" it to open his garage door and connect to his Bluetooth phone.

    So all those cords in your drawer... NOT YOUR FAULT!

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  24. Robert the Skeptic - I love you. Just sayin'.

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  25. Aren't men supposed to be in charge of those a-hole cord drawers? And you never know when you might need that old floppy disk. GAH!

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