Thursday, June 16, 2011

Real Men of Genius: Lighten Up! Edition. The Sequel. And the Other Sequel

(copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)

So long, Sucka!

Nah. I'm not talkin' to you. I am talkin' to Ohio, Landlocked State of Misery. State of Boredom. State of Blah.

Not very nice of me, is it? Sorry. I love Ohio's people. But its steadfast refusal to offer me A: Much sunlight B: An ocean or C: Anything exciting at all makes me, well, downright postal at times.

I was born for the beach. Surfing all day, slinging cocktails and BS all night for tips.

But no one got this memo. I have somehow managed to live here all my ever-lovin' life.

I'm not going to dwell on Blow-Hio today. No sir. Because I'm outta here, folks! That's right. This here funny little white girl is headed to the beach!

I'm not telling you exactly where I'm going. Or when. Or how long I'll be gone. You could be a crackhead, for all I know. Taking a break from smokin' the rocks to read my blog, then break into my house to steal my vintage Fisher Price Little Peoples.

Oh you know you want them. Everybody wants them. *Crazy Eyes.*

Remember the rule: You toucha my Peoples, I breaka you face! And you better not try to burgle me, ya bunch of heathens. Our house is protected by a pack of...large wolves. Yeah, that's right. And gangstas.

And maybe the Devil himself.

Even though you could be a gaggle of crackheads, you are my dear readers. All nine of you! I love you guys! Also, as I mentioned a hundred times before, I am OCD about posting once a week. Hence, I give you not one but TWO! TWO! TWO! mini-posts this week.

See that? Even on vacation, I just give and give.

I've decided to write more pieces about about Folks Who Irritate My Balls. You know, if I had Balls.

Like the guy who ruins my coffee breaks at the Quicky Sack because he takes for-freakin'-ever! to buy his 23 scratch-off lottery tickets.

And, for added ball-irritation, I've also thrown in a piece on the well-documented dude with the saggy, baggy pants.

Thanks to nineteen never-ending My-God-When-Can-I-Retire!  years in communications, I know the best format for Folks Who'd Irritate My Balls If I Had Balls. We shall put it in the Real Men of Genius: Lighten Up! Edition series, inspired by the lovely Muffy. Because I've found, in life, that most things can be improved with a beer commercial.

Or just plain beer.

Read on, ya bunch of  thugs. ;) I'll be back when I'm happy and relaxed. (Have you met my Type-A ass? You may never hear from me again.)


Real Men of Genius Presents: Mr. Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket Addict
Today we salute you, Mr. Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket Addict. 
Mr. Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket Addict!
Some men spend cash on food for the family, you spend cash on colored pieces of paper.
I could be a winner!
Tying up the line, oblivious to 16 glaring eyes searing your back, you slowly ponder your many choices.
All those shiny tickets!
What'll it be today, Scratchie? "Pot O Gold?" "Bonus Bingo?" "Christmas Cash?" 
Give them all to meeeee! 
Bills to pay? They can wait. For your big "Lucky Sevens"  win. You know it's coming.
Can you say 'bankruptcy?'
The odds - 30,000 to one. Totally in your favor.
I won five bucks one time!
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, O Genius Guy Gambler. You may have spent Friday's paycheck. But hey - there's always next week. 
Mr. Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket Addict!


Real Men of Genius Presents: Mr. Low-Down Baggy Pants Wearer
Today we salute you, Mr. Low-Down Baggy Pants Wearer.
Mr. Low-Down Baggy Pants Wearer!
Sure, proper-fitting jeans are more socially acceptable, but you're the type of guy who does your own thang.
I don't see no dress code!
Never mind slacks that fit. The ladies wanna see your sh*t.
Take that literally! 
Are you a plumber? Are you a gangsta? The world will never know.
Crack Kills!
So crack open an Ice Cold Bud Light, Prince Pants on the Ground. Because we see Paris. We see France. We sho' as hell see your underpants. 
Mr. Low-Down Baggy Pants Wearer!





One more epic awesome video from the original Bud Light Series:
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29 comments:

  1. Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life"June 16, 2011 at 3:57 AM

    You had me at balls. What a hoot--I'm glad your OCD about posting once a week--it gives us lifeless people something to look forward to!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Linda G.June 16, 2011 at 5:52 AM

    LOL! Thanks for my morning laugh, and have fun at your undisclosed location!

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownJune 16, 2011 at 5:55 AM

    Have fun at the beach!!!
    Your video made me tear up with laughter.

    (Unless that was you passing virtual gas that made my eyes tear up.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Muffy MorganJune 16, 2011 at 6:00 AM

    Effin' F! Fuuuunnay!!! I love you too, nutjob.
    I only know one thang fo shizzle...
    They may be figurative, but regardless, you definitely gots balls!
    Go on, guuurl.

    Much love and light beer,
    Muff.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dawn in D.C.June 16, 2011 at 7:08 AM

    That is freekin hilarious!

    You rock. Hope you have a good time on your vacation.

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownJune 16, 2011 at 7:44 AM

    Pure craziness...enjoy the beach!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Audubon RonJune 16, 2011 at 8:19 AM

    One word: Bull Frog SPF 35 for your freezer burned Ohio Lilly-white chicken thighs.

    BTW, the pool at the Howard Inn in Pensacola is not technically considered "the beach". You actually have to get sand up your shit.

    My beach, my sand, my wave. Who-aaa - kickass!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Stacey HattonJune 16, 2011 at 8:34 AM

    You were on a MAJOR roll on that one. That was hi-freak-in-larious! I could totally hear the Budlight man's voice. You nailed it! "The ladies want to see your sh*t. Take that literally." Pure genius! so funny! Thanks for the big laughs!

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  9. boboJune 16, 2011 at 8:54 AM

    LOL Crack kills.....


    And enjoy your vacation! Hope it's full of nice weather, booze and good looking men for you ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. UnknownJune 16, 2011 at 9:12 AM

    Ahhhhh my nice extra long giggle for the morning! So needed this! And the beach? Did you mention the beach? Did I mention (a zillion times over) that I live on an island with a beach? LOL....have fun where ever you're going. I worry about the crack heads too! Hell, I'm related to some!

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  11. Oilfield TrashJune 16, 2011 at 9:20 AM

    You crack me the hell up.

    And the ironic thing was I scratched off a lotto ticket right before reading this. I shit you not.

    ReplyDelete
  12. LauraJune 16, 2011 at 9:41 AM

    Hope you have a great time and be sure not to get any sand in your eyes. Or butt crack. But if it must be something- pick butt crack. But don't pick your butt crack, unless you must.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Irish Italian BlessingsJune 16, 2011 at 10:36 AM

    Funniest.Post.Ever! I'm so glad I took a break from my crack rocks to read your blog...what did you say your address was again? I have a thing for little people : ) : ) lolol, most excellent post!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.comJune 16, 2011 at 1:12 PM

    Dawn, every line in this post is golden. Your humor is nonstop and I'm adding you to my blog roll because of it! (My fave line is "Crack kills.") Have a wonderful time soaking up some rays at the beach.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  15. Jody WorshamJune 16, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    Dawn, LIGHTEN UP!! Funny post. The Medicare Mom.

    ReplyDelete
  16. WandaJune 16, 2011 at 4:07 PM

    And what about the annoyance I shared with you? my one true blue needs and ocean view friend?

    ReplyDelete
  17. SharonJune 17, 2011 at 1:05 AM

    OMG! It's 4:02 a.m. and I'm laughing so hard. Good thing I wasn't drinking anything while reading this. You get the idea?

    Hope you remembered your sunscreen and aloe gel. Have fun, fun, fun till your daddy takes the t-bird away.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Robert the SkepticJune 17, 2011 at 8:41 AM

    That drives me crazy, the people who buy scratch-off tickets, then STAND THERE IN LINE HOLDING EVERYONE UP TO SCRATCH THE NUMBER!! Two steps to the side, please, Mr. Millionaire.

    ReplyDelete
  19. SandraJune 17, 2011 at 9:28 PM

    You're funny! Yes, I'm sure your Fisher Price Little People is exactly what would risk theft!
    And yeah, I get ya. I'm from Canada. Like really cold Canada. I'm certain I was supposed to be born on a different and warmer continent. Enjoy your beach time!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dawn@Lighten Up!June 18, 2011 at 4:13 AM

    Heidi-my ballz and i aim to please!
    Linda - if I told ya, I'd have to kill ya
    Susan - Pull my finger
    Muffy - Gurrrllll! I love you too. You know it's true!
    Dawn and Eva - Welcome to the asylum. Enjoy the ride with me!
    Nurse - Your comments are always so sweet. YOU rock!
    Bobo - I just hope it's full of good men looking for me ;O)
    Christy - don't tease me if you ain't gonna please me. you better invite me someday!
    OT - You CCRACKKK me up too. *knee-slap* you Scratch Off LOttery Ticket Addict!
    Irish - stay away, you crackhead! lol
    Robyn - you made my day!xxoo Lady! Thank yeewwww for the pimp!
    Jodie - I do need to Lighten Up! But when my ballz get irritated, there's no stopping me, I tell ya.
    Wanda - sorry dearie, I have no idea what you're talking about.
    Sharon - That is my goal.
    Robert - Am I right? That guy irritates your ballz too, I can tell
    Sandra - thank you, mi lady. Sorry about your luck, living north of the Mason Dixon, like me. Le Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Powdered Toast ManJune 18, 2011 at 4:35 PM

    It was all so funny but for some reason I can't think of something funny to say back.

    ReplyDelete
  22. AMYJune 18, 2011 at 9:48 PM

    You are frickin hilarious! Love the low-down baggy pants wearer commercial.
    I'm feeling the same damn way about Minnesota. Blah, LONG freezing ass winters, mosquitoes eat you alive all summer, No Ocean!!! I need the ocean & beach. Thats where I'm supposed to be!
    I'm a new follower.
    Amy's Life @
    www.amyclairejacob.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  23. AnonymousJune 20, 2011 at 10:43 AM

    Great one.. so this pasty white girl shows up at the beach.. he he.. so you callin' me a crackhead huh... at least post some shots of the beach you end up in and throw in a few bikini shots for us real men of genius... you know you'll get some awesome post on my blog if you do... have fun my friend.. enjoy your time off... its well deserved because you live in Ohio.. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  24. One Bad PixieJune 21, 2011 at 2:51 PM

    You soooo nailed it on these two. You da bomb girl!

    Have a smashing time at the beach but don't get too smashed on Bud Light. May wake up in a bad spot. Can't have that.

    ReplyDelete
  25. One Bad PixieJune 22, 2011 at 2:46 PM

    Oh and those Balls, if you had Balls- you do!

    They are called Chesticles.

    Us women wear ours high and out in front.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Belly CharmsJune 24, 2011 at 1:54 PM

    Have a great time!!!!!! It is hot down in Floria if you are heading south:)

    ReplyDelete
  27. AnonymousJune 28, 2011 at 2:41 PM

    I like the Chesticles comment! Because it obviously takes balls to tag your post "people who irritate my balls if I had balls".

    And that video at the end?! Awesome. "Ninja of Nasty."

    Hey, I know you're on vacay, but who do I have to fuck to get on your blogroll? Damn, bitch. You play hard to get.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Al PenwasserJune 29, 2011 at 12:29 PM

    Doesn't Cleveland have a beach? Ok, so it's on Lake Erie, but I saw buoys and ships when I went there last summer. And seagulls.
    Actually, had a very good time there last July. The Indians lost, though.

    ReplyDelete
  29. esbbostonOctober 7, 2012 at 8:58 PM

    Landlocked? Ohio? There appears to be something blue at the top o' the map. With a dry year like this one I didn't bother to include the Ohio River.

    ReplyDelete

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