Thursday, August 26, 2010

There's No Place Like Florida

(copyright 2010, Dawn Weber)

Life is too short to live in Ohio.

Oh yes, I did - I went there, I said it. That's my quote, and I'm stickin' to it. You can use it, if you feel the same way. Just please send me some coin each time you do, so that I can save up and eventually move my frozen, landlocked, saggy-senior-citizen-ass out of here.

I love my fellow Buckeyes. Sorry for the cussing. I'm just a little crabby, you see, because God has thrown me down in the wrong state. Also, the other man in my life went and did it again: My husband made me come back from Florida. He always does. I try to run, to hide, to get away - but it's no use. That guy always finds me.

This last time, he spotted me on the rented condo's screened porch under a patio table, crouched amongst the little lizards.

"I don't want to go home...I don't want to go can't make me!" I chanted, rocking myself.

To get me out of there, he used words like "unemployed," "destitute" and "childless." The big meaner. He's just concerned because he knows he's fighting a losing battle with me and my other love, Florida.

"Honey," he says, "I don't worry about losing you to another man. I worry about losing you to another state."

He better worry. Have you seen this place?
The sound of the waves. The smell of flowers. The touch of soft sand. Each evening, while body-surfing, heart-stopping sunsets. Dolphins cresting in the distance. Most nights, a rainbow opposite the setting sun.

It was a freakin' Disney movie. I am pretty sure we found Nemo.

Now. Let's contrast these Pixar visuals with Ohio's scenery, which can be seen any given day on an I-71 drive from Columbus to Cincinnati.

A barn...some cows...a field. And look! Over there! A field...a barn...some cows. Repeat. Ad infinitum.
(You know, statistics rank Ohio as the ninth most populated state. I have no idea why. They must be  counting the cows.)

But wait! There's much more to us than barns and bovines. For at least six months, we also have either clouds, or snow, or both! Accompanying those, we have ice! Slush! Sleet! Freezing rain, hail, bone-chilling winds and blizzards!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Miami!

Okay, I know. I'm not fooling anyone. You can see what this all boils down to - I am done with Ohio's winters. Done. After 41 years here, I'm absolutely finished with snow.

I've also had it with snow scrapers, snow shovels, snow days, snowballs, snow squalls, snow tires, snow plows, snow drifts, snow emergencies...

For all I care, even the snowmen can melt in hell.

Yes, I can imagine what all my dear, much-loved, soon-to-be freezing fellow Buckeyes are probably thinking right about now:

"If you don't like it, Weber, then get the EFF outta here!"

I am working on it. There's a few things stopping me. Like pension plans. The kids' school. Affordable healthcare. Also reality, in conjunction with that meddling husband.

Someday, though, our youngest child will graduate, and we'll both retire. Pack up our Buick and head to the Sunshine State like the rest of the Blue Hairs.

Because after all, blue hair? Not so bad. Much better than blue lips.


  1. I love your writing! You're so right. Wisconsin and Ohio have a lot in common, including cows, nasty winters and Amish. Love the pictures that help tell your hilarious story.

  2. Minor correction to FFF (Future Florida Femme). We don't say "Blue Hair" here. We call it "Sunkissed Sky". Glad you had a great time in Paradise. We'll leave the light on for you :D

  3. I love the last line! And I'm a fellow snow hater - but I live in Utah - it's probably not as bad.

    Oh, and shit.

    Per your request.

  4. Just be sure to come by and jump on the bed. And remember, I live in Florida too.

    You are just too funny, but so right on this one.

  5. You know I share the same views. Stupid Ohio. Stupid grownup responsibilities. Sigh.

  6. One of your best, my dear future blue hair! Florida is one of my fav places too - however, not a fan of the Hurricanes.

    And Bethany...nice one! Welcome to the group! Passed the A-frickin initiation! :)

  7. Great post!!! I don't even feel the same way & I was laughing & nodding....
    I am the blasphemous type- no sweat or sand for me, thank you. I do like sunshine. I just don't like hot.
    I think I'd like a state where there's a long autumn followed by about a month of winter (yes, with snow) right about Christmastime, not a lot of rain, low humidity & then somewhere between 65-75 the rest of the year....with a gentle breeze. No hurricanes, tornadoes or earthquakes.

    Where do I have to move to get that???

  8. Heidi, I am sorry to have such awful things in common with you :( At least we have our writing. Molly, I will be proud to wear the "Sunkissed Sky" hair, can't wait! Sammi, thanks so much, and Bethany, thank you for following your orders! Robin, I wrote this one with you in mind, SS. Kerbi, I don't know where you'd go for weather like that. Perhaps heaven?