The Naked Parade

I made my children very sick the other day. Didn’t mean to.

There were tantrums, sweat and tears, fits, shouts and fevers. Hands covered mouths, bodies fell to the floor and cookies were tossed.

Whatever did I do to make the little darlings so violently ill?

I accidentally let them see me in a state of, well, “underwear.”

Yes, evidently I closely resemble Jabba the Hutt. I was not aware of this! I’m so glad they pointed it out - wonderful children. This 5’2’’ vessel of flesh that lovingly carried and nurtured them, this body that writhed through torturous hours of agonizing labor to bring them into this world…the slight site of it now sends them into fits of revulsion.

For many years, I’ve tried to hide my apparent hideousness from those two. I use a complicated bathing/dressing ritual designed to keep them from seeing my, er, “assets” : First, head into bathroom. Lock door, shower, dry off, dress as much as possible. Open bathroom door, peek to make they’re not looking, and sprint to bedroom for rest of clothes.

On this particular day, though, my mission was a big “fail.” I partially dressed, opened the door, did the peek-n-run. But is was no use - they spotted me in the Hinterland of the Hallway.

“Ewww! Mom! GROSS!” said my son, 7.

“That is just….UNATTRACTIVE!” said my daughter, 12.

Can’t you just feel the love?

It’s not their fault, really. They possess the smooth, flawless, muscle-packed skin that only the young can claim - and take for granted. Gravity and time have not pummeled their perfect bodies yet. The little boogers.

So when they see this 41-year-old pillar of, um, “experienced” flesh, with its faults and foibles, they tend to go into shock.

Luckily, I came up with a way that my children will never, ever again have to gaze upon my hideousness: A major Master Bathroom/Walk-In Closet renovation!

Indeed, a $39,000, granite-countered, garden-Jacuzzi-tubbed, en-suite bathroom - connected, of course, to a large walk-in closet - will solve this whole dilemma! No more hallway peek-n-run! If we knocked out the downstairs bathroom wall, connecting it to the bedroom, there‘d be no more hallway, and…

Thank goodness for all my HGTV-viewing, or I would not be aware of such solutions.

Ah, HGTV. You complete me.

I took my genius remodeling plans to my husband.

“You want to do WHAT? You want to knock out WHAT WALL?!” he said.

I explained the situation: How my near-nakedness is sickening the kids. How the peek-n-run from the bathroom to the bedroom has become more difficult in these, my Golden Years. And how garden Jacuzzi tubs are necessary for the aged body.

Surprisingly, he was not enthusiastic.

Turns out he's a fan of the Naked Hallway. He's also a fan of my peek-n-run parade.

Most of all, he says he's a fan of keeping money in his pocket - and not putting cash into a new garden Jacuzzi tub.

Looks like the kids will have to deal with the occasional, accidental “mom’s underwear” sighting. Tough tooters.

After all, if it wasn’t for this Birthday Suit - and their father’s appreciation of it - their little Birthday Suits wouldn’t even exist.

Can I get an Amen?