Friday, May 20, 2016

Long Live Mediocrity. And Turtles

(post copyright 2016, Dawn Weber)

I've recently become a decent person. I'm not quite sure how this happened.

I didn't mean to. My plan was to remain a mediocre person, filling my spare time with such strenuous activities as eating, sleeping and online shopping. I know this sounds lazy and self-involved. I'm OK with that.

But somehow, I've become the type of woman who occasionally volunteers at church, pitches in at school events, and makes meals for older folks. I've become the type of woman who sometimes helps people.

Please understand. I'm not bragging here. I've always stood back -- way back -- staring in wonderment at room mothers, shelter volunteers, soup kitchen workers and such who spend their free time caring for others. I want to tell these people, "Go home! Sit down! Open up a nice box of wine!"

But they're too busy being wonderful to listen.

I have no idea why I've been helping people lately. Aside from my family and friends, I don't even like people.

I blame the interstate and Donald Trump for that.

Animals are another story. Over the years, I've given countless dogs, cats, frogs, baby birds, etc., the benefit of my fumbling assistance, whether they wanted it or not. I have saved so many turtles by carrying them across the road that my husband calls me the Patron Saint of Turtles.

Now, If you're not very concerned about dogs, cats, frogs, baby birds, turtles on the road, etc., know this: you're not alone. And don't worry. I'm concerned enough for all of us.

I guess my new-found benevolence toward humans could be due to impending geezer-hood. It seems to me that as certain women age and move toward retirement, they spend more and more time volunteering. I'm retiring in 52 months and 11 days -- not that I'm keeping track. I have very big napping plans for the year 2020. I need to stop giving a shit real soon.

Perhaps the biggest problem I have with volunteering is exhaustion. Philanthropy -- and getting off the couch in general -- makes me tired, and constantly interferes with my dream of sitting around and sleeping. Also, it seems like helping others just leads to more helping of others. If I'm not careful, I'm going to end up as the ancient volunteer lady in the front lobby of every hospital who nods off and can't work the desk phone. That is not who I want to be.

I want to be the ancient lady who nods off in a hammock and can't work her own phone.

And when I retire on Tuesday, September 29, 2020 (at 5:30 p.m. -- not that I'm keeping track) I plan to go home, sit down, open up a nice box of wine, and only get up to carry the occasional turtle across the road.

It's good to have goals.

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25 comments:

  1. Congratulations on your upcoming retirement!!!!! Volunteering at the hospital will not pay for the much needed wine in the box, be a greeter at Walmart. I hear they will be paying 15.00 an hour soon.

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    1. Thanks Gaynell! It's still a ways off. 52 months, 9 days to be exact. Not that I'm keeping track...

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  2. I, too, blame the interstate and Donald Trump. ;-)

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    1. Yes. Both are responsible for so many of modern society's ills.

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  3. So before your 52 months and 11 days are up you might as well be useful. Besides, it'll look good on your resume. You know, in case tRump gets elected and no one will ever be able to stop working until they take their final nap. After the Interstate crumbles probably. However, you need to stay in practice, so every few weeks minimum you need to open a fresh box, have a few, and take a nice nap. Practice makes perfect, after all. P.S. signing up for Medicare this weekend. Woohoo!

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    1. Well Said, Jono. And I am always up for wine practice.
      Signing up for Medicare, you say. Well, um, congrats? Or something?

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  4. Are you going to get one of those clocks that counts down backwards from your date and time of retirement? Put it on your desk at work!

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    1. I don't have one, Debra. But I do have a handmade sign counting down the months in my cubicle. Much to my boss's chagrin. I think he thinks it's unprofessional. I have no idea why.

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  5. From my position as qualified geezer (overqualified) I can only wish you luck. I don't quite know how I found time to work...

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    1. I don't know how I find time to work either, EC. I should stop immediately.

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  6. That's awesome that you have the energy to volunteer. I should but don't.

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    1. That's the thing, JoJo - I don't really have the energy. I do it anyway, in a zombie-like state.

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  7. It's not just little old ladies who retire and then spend all their time volunteering; surely you've seen the little old men too? Now there's a reason to get up off the couch! Just kidding - thank heavens for ALL the volunteers!

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    1. Maybe you've found the reason seniors volunteer right there, Jenny-o - it's a way to meet fellow oldsters of the opposite sex.

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  8. I just knew that you had a huge heart :) <3

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  9. Volunteers are beautiful, but it is a switcheroo for you seems like to go from disliking people to helping them. You are the change. And not that you're keeping track, I bet you don't couch potato it for more than two weeks, after you retire. I'd lay a line of turtles on that.

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    1. Maybe so, Strayer.
      Don't lay the line of turtles on the road, though. ;)

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  10. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..................box wine...................

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  11. So having just rescued (or captured) a turtle last week.... I think it's time we bust out the box o' wine and a few crazy straws!

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  12. Te envio mi blog de poesias por si quieres darle un vistazo Gracias. http://anna-historias.blogspot.com.es/2016/09/vacaciones.html?m=1

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