Friday, September 26, 2014

Suzie the Meth Lab Speaks

Things have been crazy around here lately, what with my daughter's senior year and both kids in fall sports. I'm also working on getting my book published, which entails doing tons of research on literary agents, spending hours crafting the perfect letters to them, and then receiving their rejection letters. Fun times! So I asked our dog Suzie to take a break from being bad and write a blog post. Read on:

(copyright 2014, Suzie the dog)

Suzie not know what Woman talking about. Suzie very good dog.

Suzie also dislike "Meth Lab" classification. Suzie not smoke crystal meth, or even crack, and although Suzie try pot once, she not inhale. Anyway, Suzie don't think she is "Meth Lab," Suzie believe she come from impressive bloodline of Black Lab. And greyhound. And whippet. Possibly beagle. Maybe shepherd. Definitely pit bull . . .


Point is, Suzie have diverse array of relatives in tri-county area, all with formidable skills in shoe-shredding, leg-humping and crotch-sniffing arena. Do Woman's kin-folk possess these talents? Suzie think not. Woman should watch mouth. Suzie have "Family" - "Family" with teeth.

Anyway, Suzie classy dog, with very advanced palate. Man always buy box of dry, dusty "Bones" for Suzie, but is not necessary, when cat box in particular offer many juicy, absolutely free treats for taking. Suzie eat anything - trees, rocks, road-kill, cat poop - where Woman say "Gross!" Suzie say "Breakfast!"

And speaking of cat, why Suzie can’t chase? Gray Cat run, Suzie pursue - is law of jungle passed down for millenniums. Gray Cat think she better than dog, with her yummier food, cushier bed and litter box of juicy treats. She need taken down a notch, and Suzie just dog for job.

Suzie also like to accompany Peoples to bathroom, and sit in front them as they deposit liquid into Suzie's Other Water Bowl. She then express gratitude to Peoples with lick on face, but she always get "Stop it!" yells. Suzie not know why. She just thankful for bowl fills. And Suzie really enjoy being at eye-level with Peoples, so she make happen. Just like when she give trademark jump-up greeting to visitors. Woman always yelling "Get Down!" But human stand up, Suzie stand up. Is simple physics.

However, Suzie is sorry about incident with old man at vet's office. Wrinkled one not expect signature Suzie "Get Down!" move. Suzie claws did scratch Wrinkle's legs, is true, but how she to know old Peoples have thin skin and take blood-thinning medication? Suzie hope Wrinkles stop bleeding someday.

Suzie also regret Big Stick incident. Suzie not realize that when she spin with 7-foot stick in mouth near Woman, giant stick blow out Woman’s knees and knock her to ground. Suzie know many words - "Bad!" "No!" "Bacon!" - but Woman scream words Suzie not hear before, words that sound like "duck." Suzie try to lick face as Woman roll on ground - she obviously angry, but also part at fault here, as she the one said, “Let's play stick!” Suzie search yard and grab biggest stick available. If Woman want stick, Woman get small tree. Suzie is giver.

Suzie is serious guardian, and practice bark often. Best time to practice 3 a.m., while Woman, Man and Small Ones sleep. Takes a while for them to wake up, walk out and shout “Shut Up!” and Suzie able to enjoy many minutes of vicious barks before yells start. Suzie don’t always bark in middle of night, but when she do, is for no real reason.

You can see that Suzie get many yells. Woman especially enjoy yelling at Suzie, and she not know why - Suzie just doing her jobs.

Woman's loudest yells come when Suzie conduct crotch-check on Peoples. Without good sniff of nethers, how else Suzie to know quality of creature before her? Humans funny animals, Suzie think, blessed with dizzying variety of pungent genitalia, yet seemingly no desire to sniff each other. Is sad - and not very smart.

You know, Suzie may be Meth Lab. But she clearly superior species.


  1. I know how dogs think, much like guys do, but not how they talk. sniff sniff...

  2. Awwww Suzie!!!! What a sweetie pie!!!!! XOXOXO

  3. Suzie very, very clever. And generous. Detruffelating kitty litter saves woman a job she says she doesn't like.

  4. Meth Lab Suzie would have a time with Wrangler the Border Collie and Shiner the Blue Heeler. None of us would ever be the same :)

  5. Awww. I love hearing from dogs. She doesn't look like a meth lab to me!

  6. Ray - Suzie glad to offer Ray glimpse into language of dog.
    JoJo - *facelicks for JoJo*
    Debra - Why you deny Suzie joy?
    Janie - Glad you see Suzie's point.
    Elephant - Is true. Woman not appreciate Susie's efforts.
    Carol - Sounds like good play-date. Call Suzie. She game,
    Stephanie - Exactly. Suzie is elegant, lovely lady, no?

  7. Suzie needs to meet my Zelda. Suzie, Zelda will love Jimmy Dean Sausage. Last week Zelda got eggs Benedict for brefest. Now what dogs get eggs Benedict?

  8. Suzie may not smoke crack, but you write about her talking.....?
    Good luck on getting published! I'm all done with my book and am now going through the process of sending it out (much you probably).

  9. Whoa! Big stick for sale? Will trade for big rock, dead squirrel, and cat poop.

    -dog of ABftS guy

    1. BeerDog - Suzie think is fair trade.

    2. Suzie think is fair trade. Have your Peoples talk to her Peoples.

  10. Suzie make this Woman laugh in morn. No easy for person or animal to do at hour before 6am. If Suzie Meth Lab, may Suzie earn big fortune for family. Good luck to Suzie's Woman. Go poop on rejection letters. Good dog!

  11. Ron - Suzie would indeed like to meet Zelda and eat things you call eggs. Suzie on way down to your place.
    Al - Woman spend many hours checking her email and cussing at computer. Computer get more yells than Suzie these days

  12. I hope to see Suzie on the next episode of Breaking Bad . . .

  13. Hello friend!! Sorry I'm so late to the party :)