Friday, August 29, 2014

Dear Car Beside Me: I Know Who You Are

(post copyright 2014, Dawn Weber)

Hippy. Soccer mom. Redneck. Entitled a-hole. Really small penis.

Don't mind me. I'm just heading down the interstate, judging people based on the cars they drive. I have plenty of time for this. My commute to the office is, on a good day, one hour each way. I've worked at the same job for, oh, nine years/108 months/3,285 days. But who's counting?

Point is, I spend a lot of time in my car. There's lots of places I'd rather be. Bed comes to mind. Hell - prison comes to mind. But I must go to work. You know, to be able to afford gas and a car. So I can go to work.

Great. Now I'm depressed. I had a point here. What was it? Oh yeah. Judging people based on their material possessions. I feel better.

Anyway, over these nine years/108 months/3,285-but-who's-counting-days, I've noticed some reoccurring characteristics amongst my fellow drivers. You know, I don't like to stereotype. So let me just throw down some broad, baseless generalizations. Read on.

Economy/electric car: "Co-exist!" "Recycle!" "Change!" You're a bumper sticker billboard, maxed out in the right lane at a puttering, earth-friendly 60 m.p.h. You've likely been to a pride parade, and you're all about equal rights, world peace, legalized pot. You voted for Obama. One of your bumper stickers indicates this, but you don't need it.

We know.

Minivan: You're on the way to school and/or practice in a vehicle full of car seats and petrified french fries. You're exhausted, crabby, and flailing an arm around in the back seat, hoping to make contact with one of your wayward offspring. You gave up form for function long ago, and sold your soul for a built-in DVD player and a third-row seat. You used to be cool. But now?

You're too tired to care.

SUV  - You are also on the way to school and/or practice in a vessel full of car seats and petrified french fries, though you'd very much like us to believe otherwise, what with your off-road package and four-wheel drive - features you've never used.

SUVs: At least they aren't minivans.  

Pickup truck - Gun rack, tool box, probable concealed weapon . . . you're ready for anything, up to and including the zombie apocalypse. You get 15 m.p.g. highway, but petty things like gas mileage and pollution do not concern you: Global warming is just a big conspiracy started by that liberal who invented the internet. You did NOT vote for Obama. Your bumper sticker indicates this, but you don't need it.

We know.

Sedan - Sure, your Accord/Camry/Chevy Cobalt is non-descript and boring, but you don't care. You don't care about anything, really, except getting from point A to point B, albeit with premium cup-holders and functioning airbags. You're a regular guy, just trying to get by, driving at a sensible speed in your sensible car, with your sensible shoes to your sensible . . .


Sports car/convertible - You. You're zipping in and out of lanes at 85 m.p.h., tailgating, swerving, driving with one hand and texting with the other. You're passing on the right, cutting off on the left . . . but you can do what you want, right? You've earned it - you're a wealthy, middle-aged white person.

With a really small penis.

So we see here that just by looking around on the freeway, we can tell what kind of people we're dealing with, judge them accordingly, and really give them a piece of our . . .

Crap. Wait a minute.

Reading through this, I just realized that for one reason or another, our family of three licensed drivers owns five vehicles. Do not be jealous of this; they're all about ten years old with over 100,000 miles.

But there's no getting around it. On any given day, depending on the weather, which vehicle is in the shop (and one is always in the shop), or what I'm doing after work, you could find me driving: an economy car, a pickup truck, a sedan, an SUV, or a convertible.

Which of course - go ahead, say it - makes me a hippy/redneck/boring soccer mom/entitled a-hole.

With a really small penis.

Well, hey. What can I say? If the cars fit.

And at least they aren't minivans.


  1. I would love a Tesla someday!
    If you have kids you will have a mini van, it's a rule, you can look it up.
    Yep had a suv, meh.
    I have a 2001 Mazda truck, aka Ford Ranger, 102,000, most liked feature, it runs.
    Had a 67 Camaro convertible, still have dreams about it and yes, I have a ...wait a darn minute!
    I would love a nice, boring car, a Corvette Stingray! But I don't think I can get in one know a days!

  2. You are right-on on all counts; if I could afford a car beyond the rusted out Ford Taurus I had to buy to replace my Honda that the tree across the street fell on, it would be a hybrid. With an Obama sticker and my now-peeling Repeal SB5 sticker.
    On the pick-up trucks: usually I have observed that the really, really huge ones are the most likely to contain a redneck. OR, the really rusty ones being driven by a young-ish man in a ballcap. With a sticker of the little cartoon boy peeing on Obama.
    Yep. :D

  3. I drive a teeny tiny Toyota Yaris. My parking spot at the apartment where I live is right beside a huge, totally jacked-up-to-the-sky truck whose tires are as high as my car. There's like a three foot drop out of the driver's seat, LOL! I think the guy who owns it makes big bucks working in the oilsands. But there's no gun rack on the back window because hey, this is Canada and we have gun control laws.

  4. an RV named StellaAugust 29, 2014 at 6:25 AM

    Oh, Dawn, you are too funny! As we are empty nesters now (pure heaven, btw) we have one big SUV, one small SUV and one big-ass RV, named Stella. I'm trying to figure out which category we fall into.

    Oh, and when I'm riding in my big-ass RV, named Stella, I'm totally looking down into your car with the the car seats and petrified french fries, and laughing. Heeeee!

  5. So what would my fuel economical 10 year old Hyundai Elantra sedan say about me with the Grateful Dead license plate frame, Canadian flag 'Victoria' bumpersticker, Wiccan pentacle, dragon and Pacific NW animal & Timberline Lodge stickers?

  6. My driving story... one day, my husband was driving his BIG TALL work truck. He stopped at a red light, and was able to see down into the car next to him.

    The woman driving the car had a bag from the pharmacy in her left hand, and was swabbing cream between her legs while waiting for the light to change.

    She looked up and saw that he could see her, freaked out and ran the red light.

    We went from a big SUV to a Yaris a little over a year ago. Great gas mileage. And last time I checked, we're not boring. :-D

  7. I am so guilty of doing this same thing. Glad I'm not the only one. And glad there's not a minivan in our driveway :)

  8. Please don't tell, but I have a tiny penis, too.


  9. I am fascinated by the number of people who believe that their car puts them into a cone of invisibility. Well, that is the only explanation for the things I see taking place in those cars.
    Things which normally take place in the bedroom. Or the bathroom.
    And of course everyone's 'other car' is a truer reflection of who they are than the one they are driving.

  10. "Petrified french fries" - perfectly descriptive. That says it all. I laughed at the small penis. They are laughable and can be even smaller than petrified french fries. Sadly, I know this.

    Cheers and have a nice weekend, Dawn. xo

  11. Hey, just thinking, how about the station wagon, had one of those too!

  12. Ray - You've got it all covered there, just like me.
    Gale - yep, that is the car and bumper sticker choices I picture for you.
    Debra - I love the mental picture of your Yaris beside the pickup.
    Dawn - I forgot to stereotype the Rvers. Let me think...
    JoJo - to me, it says hippy. But I am also a hippy. Among other things.
    Ami - oh, that poor woman. That poor, infected woman.
    Carol - thank you for catching the whole "people who live in glass houses" theme of this. I was mostly Poking fun at myself.
    Janie - Me too. Aren't you glad?
    Elephant - Yes. The things I've seen. And wish I could un-see.
    Robyn - I laughed at the small penis, too. 1991, it was. Like I said, the things I wish I could un-see.
    Ray - you don't see many of those anymore, thank goodness,

  13. A soccer MOM? She would have to have a REALLY small penis.
    Me? I drive a truck.
    And have a really small pe...uh...
    Never mind.

  14. Bald, old guys in Corvettes... Seriously. Who do you think you're fooling?

    Me? I drive a Volvo. First one lasted 17 years and 276,000 miles. Still on the second one, going on 12 years now. I'm practical and safety-conscious. Lest you think I'm a read snooze though, it is a turbo. :)

  15. Al - My point exactly. ;)
    Jayne - Great car! Sounds like my Honda CRV (an suv) 239,000 miles, going strong. And at least it's not a minivan!

  16. You would think I'm a redneck hillybilly. Oh wait...

  17. Ford Fusion over here. :-)

    I'll pick ya up, we'll have a couple margaritas, stick our fingers in the guacamole, and cab it back to your place. :-)



  18. I have an obnoxiously cherry red Mustang with loud exhaust and an Audi... everyone thinks I'm a douche while driving, but I'm not. Nor do I zip through traffic or speed like a jerk. #FirstWorldProblems

    You know what you forgot for the electric car with all the bumper stickers? Those stupid "13.1" and "26.2" stickers that let people know when you aren't saving the earth with your car, you're running marathons. Because it's important to tell everyone in traffic just how accomplished you are at jogging long distances.

    Q: How do you know someone runs marathons?

  19. Ron - Hillybilly is my new favorite word. Serious!
    Pearl - :) I spent most of the 80s and 90s in one mediocre mid-sized Ford or another. Sometimes, they didn't catch on fire. Usually, they did.
    Shower Beer - You're right! Doh! I don't know how I missed the runners - it's not like they let me forget. "26.2" "13.1" *Gag*