Friday, July 11, 2014

Chocolate. And Other Reasons to Live

(post copyright 2014, Dawn Weber)

There I sat, in the grocery store parking lot, feeling confused and very tragic.

I'd just finished my first day of work after a week's vacation at the beach, and I stared straight ahead, watching the heat boil up from the asphalt. What happened to the ocean? I wondered. Where is the rum? What do you mean I have to wear pants all day?

Reality: such a disappointment.

And I knew not this thing they called "Monday." Just minutes ago, it seemed, the time had blended into a pleasant blue haze of laughter and friends, waves and great food and complete relaxation, wherein someone would occasionally ask, "Does anybody know what day it is?" only to receive the same replies: 

"Who knows?"

"Who cares?"

"Pass me another drink!"

Yet, there I was, back in the work-week with all the other dummies, forced to wear pants. It had been a day like so many others before it, and so many that will be after it: ten hours of email, canned soup for lunch, and no rum at all. 

I mean, why go on, really? 

At least I could fix the rum problem. I got out of the car, locked it, and headed through the sliding doors. 

Inside, I continued my depressive internal monologue, muttering like a crackhead all through the produce and frozen goods. I had just grumbled my way past the hamburger buns when I stopped short.

Because just then, I saw it. A post-vacation reason to live. In aisle three:

That's right. Just when you thought your clothes might fit again, holy insulin, Batman, here it is: Chocolate! Melted! In a jar!

It was displayed beside the peanut butter, and the ever-popular Nutella, which I've never tried, because I don't like hazelnut flavor. Also, most of the people I've heard gushing in the media about Nutella appear to be rich, or granola-hippies, or rich granola-hippies - Gwyneth Paltrow types - none of whom I like, all of whom I wish to slap. Upside the head. 

With a big ol' pack of Walmart bacon. 

I sound all stubborn and judgmental and misinformed up there, like a member of Congress, don't I? That is what granola-hippies do to me.

But this Hershey's business was a whole different story. I grabbed the jar off the shelf and gobbled up the label with hungry eyes. It looked like heaven. It looked like trouble. It looked like diabetes and bigger pants and bad decisions. 

I bought it immediately. 

Then, I rushed home so that I could dip into my new love. And let me tell you, friends - the stuff lived up to its promise. It tasted wonderful, the way you'd imagine, the way chocolate should: like fun and childhood and Jesus kisses. You can put it on strawberries, pretzels, fingers - doesn't really matter, because they're all just a vehicle, a utensil, if you will, to get the chocolate in the mouth. 

I know. I sound like someone is paying me to promote their business or do something for them. I sound like a member of Congress again, don't I? 

Sadly, no one is paying me to do anything. (That's what she said!) No, I am just giving you my thoughts on Chocolate! Melted! In a jar! Hey. Everyone's entitled to my valuable opinion. 

So the next time it's your first day back to work after vacation, you're forced to wear pants, and you're feeling sad and confused and like there's no reason to go on, know this:

You're right.

But if you're ever experiencing these emotions, may I recommend heading to the grocery store after work, to pick up some Chocolate! Melted! In a jar!, or your own particular brand of diabetes (even if it's Nutella, you granola-hippie.) Oh, and don't forget the rum.

Because, remember: Depression hurts. Bad decisions can help. 


Book update: The manuscript is still finished, and I spent the spring writing a 22,000-word book proposal, which is basically a comprehensive business plan for a book, a very left-brained task for a very right-brained person, but I made it through. From here, I will begin querying literary agents. This process can take years, and I won't even tell you how much rejection I'll likely endure, but, hey, that's how it is. I've had a few writer friends read the book, and they gave suggestions, along with some rave reviews, so there's that, right? Send me good wishes, please - and maybe chocolate! Melted! In a jar!


  1. Pants? Wait -- you wear pants?!

    Chocolate in a jar. Nutella in a jar. This keeps up, and by the time fall rolls around and I am forced to wear pants again, none of them will fit!


  2. LOL! Now, that's a depression cure I can get behind.

  3. Can you use a straw?
    Better yet, you can smear it on yourself and have someo....
    Or you can use a straw.

  4. Pants on women, overrated in south Florida. Wash down the chocolate with a cold beer and I am yours forever!

  5. YAY! Congratulations on getting your (1) book finished and (2) proposal out! Woohoo! I am keeping my fingers crossed and I believe there is one (at least) person wise enough to pick you, because you're exceptionally hilarious. I'm continuing to study your humor, as I strive for your quick witted, free flowing banter.

    And isn't everything in the world just a vehicle for, or an obstacle to, chocolate?

  6. Pearl - sadly, yes, they force me to wear pants. Pesky societal norms!
    Linda - see? I'm just here to spread the word. I'm a giver, really.
    Al - I wondered who would go there, but then I said, nah, I know who will go there: Al ;)'
    Ray - Yes, exactly! No one wants to wear pants in heat! Lose the pants!
    Robyn - Thanks for your encouraging words! I haven't started sending out yet, still want to do one more printed out read through of the whole she-bang.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. You can always count on me for sophomoric humor.
      Pull my finger?

  7. I've seen it advertised on tv. Looks like heaven in a jar. But since I'm on a quest to get healthy (I've lost 51.6 pounds so far), I haven't tried it!

  8. Al - I can always count on you. Glad you're back!
    Eva - also great to see you, and congrats on the weight loss! That's awesome.

  9. *drool* Chocolate. Melted in a jar... Must have. How did I miss this post? Love that they put it right next to the peanut butter. Because who wouldn't want to send their kid to school with a chocolate and peanut butter sandwich. Like what kid would trade that one away?! Stick in a banana and the kid would probably have an orgasm. :)

  10. Hey Dawn! Now, keep calm, but I'm not a fan of Hershey's. I have an excuse. Euro choc of most persuasions is pretty dreamy, and my trousers say I've eaten almost all of it. I've been spoiled. I'm sorry. Indigo x

  11. Jayne - I was just thinking of the possibility of that particular peanut butter/chocolate combo today! I think I'll call it "breakfast."
    Indigo - I believe there are some great chocolate choices across the pond! The Hershey's flavor reminds me of being a kid, though, and that makes me happy. :)