Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Hangin With the Ohioans. Down for Whatever

(Post copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)
It's another exhilarating Saturday night in Ohio.

And we of the Too Old To Go To Bars club are doing what we do best: playing cards.

Titillating, no?

We play Hearts because I refuse to learn Euchre, Official State Card Game of Ohio. Not playing Euchre is a lifelong goal of mine.

I dream big.

My buddy Ron and the other high school boys tried to teach it to me in the 80s. Surrounded by dozens of cans of Milwaukee's Best, they'd explain the "tricks," the "reneging," the "trump."

I'd become bored, stand up and fast-forward the AC/DC cassette.

Then, as now, Euchre makes no damn sense to me whatsoever. Is trump good? Is trump bad? Pages and pages of rules, yet you can throw down any old card. Maybe a suit is followed, maybe it isn't.

It is the fickle bitch of card games.

I have tried learning Euchre while drinking, thinking maybe it would make more sense. I have tried stone sober. I have tried during the day, I have tried in the moonlight. I have tried at tables, on porches, in campers, and at many a picnic table. I have even tried on a boat. The Carnival cruise ship "Glory," to be exact.

Yeah, when the Big Guy handed out the Euchre genes, I was elsewhere. Probably over at the boombox, fast-forwarding the AC/DC cassette.It's supposed to be an easy game, I know, I know. But, as my friend Wow,That Was Awkward said, I am Euchre stoo-pid.  Thanks a lot, WowYou asshat. And since knowledge of the game is pretty much required in the Buckeye State - they'll probably kick me out someday. Please, somebody, do it. Get me the HELL out of here!

But that's O.K. I own it. And? I quit. Yes - although it threatens my status as a Midwesterner - I'm just going to admit it: I am blonde. I am forty-damn-two. I am done trying.

And I love NOT playing Euchre.

Hence? Hearts.

So. Come, join the fun at Marj and Greg's kitchen table here, in Beautiful Downtown Brownsville (Motto: Septic Tank Optional). Be warned - the jokes here are juvenile. But the beer is cold. Longtime Lighten Up readers all five of you! I love you guys! may remember "Wise Marj" from this post, and Greg the Handyman from this post.

We're down for whatever, for some high-life, with our cans of Miller Lite, our bags of mixed nuts, our Skynyrd Pandora channel...

"Greg! Play your damn card!" says Marj.
"What was led? Clubs?" says Greg.

He looks back at his hand, perplexed. He isn't paying attention again, Googling on the laptop beside him, looking up local folks who've lapsed on property taxes.

It's a hobby of his.

Marj rolls her eyes and leans over on her right cheek. She farts, aiming at Greg.

It's a hobby of hers.

"Shee-zus! Marj! Don't you think that's rude in front of our guests?" says Greg.

Marj crumbles her face, laughs hysterically. Marj is an Avid Farter, proud of her Legendary Abilities. We, "The Guests," have been playing Hearts surrounded by her "aura" for at least eight years now.

We know our fate. It's sealed. Airtight.

The Skynyrd channel plays on, we stack cans, we throw cards. Marj's first cloud clears. And amazingly, something smells good.

So I  say...
"Hey. Something smells good,"
"I think it's my nuts," says Greg, waving the bag of Planter's at my face. "Wanna smell my bag of nuts?"

We all double over, cracking up. The laughter taxes my middle-aged bladder, so I run for the bathroom, and Marj, chortling, leans over on her right cheek. She farts.

"Shee-zus! Marj!" Greg says.

A few minutes later, I return to the kitchen, start clicking through the Pandora channels. I have plenty of time to do this, because Greg is perplexed. Again.

Marj cheats, peeking at his hand and telling him which card to play. He does what she suggests.Then he promptly loses the hand.

"I see why you wanted me to throw that. Twat," he tells his bride.

Visibly annoyed, he looks over at us.

"You guys owe me!" he says.
"You're trying to get me to show you my boobs, aren't you?" I say.
"You offering?" he says.
"Wouldn't be the first time boobs were flashed at this table," says Marj.

She refers, of course, not to my boobs, but the boobs of others. Boobs not present this particular evening.

Over the years, Marj's table has seen many boobs, for various reasons. But not mine. Yet. Give it time.

We stack more cans, throw more cards, crack more jokes causing me several more trips to the bathroom. All the washing up dries out my hands.

So I say...
"Yuck. All this washing dried out my hands."

Greg waves his Planter's nut-bag.

"Here. Rub them on my greasy nuts."

Marj's face crumbles, she laughs, she leans...

Everybody ready? All together now. You know the drill:

"Shee-zus! Marj!"

I tell you what - this is all the excitement I can stand.

And it sure beats the hell outta Euchre.


  1. I am down for beer and farting, but I don't like playing cards. Unless it's strip poker and I'm playing with George Clooney.

  2. Ohio (and hence your friends) sound an AWFUL lot like Wisconsin(and hence... us!). We MADE my sons (then 11 and 13) learn Euchre and Hearts so we'd have someone to play with when our friends were busy. This brings back such happy memories. FUNNY BLOG!!

  3. LOL! Those salty nuts look a little familiar. Have I seen this before? Still hilarious!

  4. I hold a gridge against Euchre because it's only for 4 people. When I was a kid, my family would camp (which I really hate too)with my cousins. I am the 3rd child in my family. You see where this is going...So the oldest 4 kids would play Euchre, the 4 adults would play pinnochle (I don't even know what that is) & then I'd be left out with the 3rd child in that family...& my baby brother too, who is 7 years younger. My cousin that was the 3rd sibling in their family, yeah, he's like 4 or 5 years younger than me. And a boy. So when you were a 10 year old pretty much sucked. I hold a gridge against Euchre. They taught me to play eventually (because they needed a 4th) & I totally kicked butt. Of the 4 games I've EVER played, I've never lost. But it can still cease to exist & I'd be ok with it....

  5. Here in the Northeast, I don't know anyone who plays Euchre, so I've never learned. But I do love hearts, whist, bridge, canasta, cribbage and black jack. Hubby is not a card player, so I haven't played in years! I envy you. Your get-togethers sound like fun, except maybe for Marj's farting. lol

  6. Remind me to bring mardis gras beads if I ever play cards with you.

  7. I went to Bunko last night and nary a time in the years that the group has gotten together has the game been played. We still call it Bunko to the family and husbands, but it is really leaning more towards "Drunko." Remind me not to party with Marj!

  8. yeah, girls can get away with leaning the cheek.

    I lean and the room would look like a scene from Outbreak.

  9. When I was in high school, I was a sorry, lonely mess of a kid with practically no friends who found solace in a group of nerds who got together to play... euchre and pinochle on Saturday nights. These were the only parties I was ever invited to in high school, so while I would have preferred being invited to the parties where people had John Hughes-y kinds of fun, I went to these and dutifully learned to play. However, all I really wanted was some friends who would talk to me, and so I would talk during the games because I did not give a rat's ass about winning a card game, and begged not to be partnered with a person for whom winning was important. After I got out of college and got married, thank God, the necessity of the cards for friends thing stopped and I have earnestly pursued a lifetime of NOT playing NOT only euchre and pinochle but ANY kind of card game since then. I think the whole thing left me with a profound distaste for cards-- being berated by some nutball card fanatic partner who was inexplicably furious at me for trumping his (my partner's) Ace... cards, schmards, just put on that AD/DC (or Springsteen) CD and have a nice heated political discussion while we're at it, and I'm down for that!
    once again, this proves how much we are alike.
    Loved this <3

  10. Beer, boobs, and salty nuts....
    Who needs bars?

  11. OMG! Fifteen years I've been married to my Buckeye and still have not been able to figure out how to play Euchre! I thought it was just me. Clearly it has something to do with Dawns.

    We had a couple similar to Greg & Marj (sans the farts) who would play cards with us till the wee hours of the morning. Then we moved away and haven't had that kind of fun since.

    P.S. For the record, I lost at strip poker (with this same group) and only because I was wearing overalls, did my boobs not make an appearance.

  12. Honestly, I have never heard of the game. I have friends that love to play Uno. Another game I never got and hence, do not play. However, everything else, farting, drinking, hoping a woman flashes me something. yes, that I know well, included frequent runs to the bathroom!

  13. HAHA Laughing my A** off! My sister gets her farting honestly!

  14. Greg's almost as funny as you. I agree, any card game that takes too much brain-power should never be played, not in the midwest, not anywhere.
    Keep laughing, my friend.

  15. Listen Lighten Up, you don't need an award to tell you how funny you are, but I nominated you for the versatile blogger award. If you'd like to participate, please pop on over. If not-no worries. :)

  16. My dear old dad loved to play pinochle. Another one I never understood. When I play strip poker, I get down to the skivies before the first round. I know I will be out soon anyways. Just speeds up the process.

  17. I hate playing cards. But beer, farting, salty balls, and juvenile jokes? Now that's right up my ally! I'll be over Saturday K?

  18. I feel the exact same way about Go Fish. Convoluted rules. 7 year old's doing a piss poor job of explaining them. Grandma trying to cheat. I just don't get it.

  19. Laura - I don't think Clooney will be stopping by anytime soon.
    Heidi - I love the fact that you MADE your kids learn Euchre. You're going to steal my Mother of the Year crown, you are!
    Linda - this is a re-work of a post I had up for about an hour. I pulled it down, lest the salty nuts offend anyone. Now? I don't care.
    Kerbi - See? Euchre=evil.
    Eva - Yes, you definitely need to BYO Mask for our card parties. Marj. Oy.
    Wow - I like red and gold Mardi Gras beads. Write it down.
    Nurse - A card party without cards? Now that sounds awesome!
    Ron - Yeah, it's best if men don't do the lean. You guys are capable of clearing tri-county area with your emissions.
    Gale - Yeah, I am experiencing "cards for friends." But unfortunately, it seems to be what people want to do. So there I sit, with gassy Marj, playing hearts.
    Penwasser - You'd fit right in at our parties, you would.
    Dawn - Must be a Dawn thing - exactly.
    RJ - You and Penwasser would love Marj's house, the nudity, the debauchery - right up your alleys.
    Cookie - Yeah, i have partied with the rest of you Fulks's, and you're right. Family tradition, the farting.
    Robyn - Yes, Greg is a comedic genius with his salty nuts. According to him. ;)
    Diva - THANK YOU! So kind of you to give me the Versatile Blogger award. Smooches! Love love love your storytelling!!
    Pixie - I like your style, girl.Ahead of the game, you are.
    Christy - I will have your chair warm (by Marj) and your beer cold. K?
    Vixen - I KNOW! Grannies can be evil.

  20. You guys sound like a regular riot. And fret not, I can't play Euchre either... but then again I can't think of one time in my life anyone pulled out a deck of cards and said "Let's play Euchre!" This has never happened. Nope, we're all about spades and go fish in these parts.

  21. Euchre? Never heard of it. Not only would I not be able to play it, I wouldn't know how to pronounce it!

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  23. My dear old uncle loved to play pinochle. Another one I never understood. When I play strip poker, I get down to the skivies before the first round. I know I will be out soon anyways. Just speeds up the process.

  24. this is a card game and you telling here about tips of card game??