Friday, August 19, 2011

My Life Story. In a Buckeye Nutshell

(Post and badass picture, copyright 2011, Dawn Weber)

Do ya'all like my Official Badass Author Headshot up there? Yeah, you read that right. Your funny little friend has had an essay accepted for a Valentine's Day humor anthology book. A BOOK! With, like, PAGES! Not bad for a girl from the cornfields. It's all rainbows and unicorns and corn up in here. Again.

I'm kind of not a big deal.

I'll share the approved cover with you at the end of the post, and don't worry, you won't miss the book because I'll endlessly pimp the thing when it's published. Hopefully, all five of  my readers will buy it. Meantime, though, I thought I'd share with you guys what I had to write for the anthology - my "Bio," a.k.a. my life story, a.k.a. some B.S. I had to come up with so that people would read my shit.

Dawn Weber is a wife of one (she thinks) a mother of two (that she knows of) and the author of, well, not much so far. She blogs at writes the "Lighten Up!" newspaper column in the Buckeye Lake Beacon, for which she won the 2011 National Society of Newspaper Columnists third place, humor award. No one is sure how this happened.

She was born a poor white child in Cincinnati. Despite her best efforts, she is still poor, still white and definitely still in Ohio dammit!

Raised by a single mother in New Springfield, Ohio, do you see a theme here? Dawn spent her childhood riding a bike "no hands!" back from the little store. With a pizza in one arm and a jug of milk in the other.

As you can see, she was brilliant and questionably parented.

Dawn graduated from Springfield Local High School in 1987, and her classmates didn't vote her "best" or "most" or "prettiest" anything. But that's O.K. She'll get over it. Someday. Maybe. *Crazy eyes.* She then received a bachelor's degree from Kent State University, where she majored in flammable, piece-of-shit cars and cheap beer.

Many towns around the Buckeye State dammit! have served as her home, but currently she resides in Brownsville (Motto: Indoor Plumbing Optional) with the husband, kids and an ever-changing series of dirty, ill-mannered pets.

She's spent the last 20 years being grossly underpaid and unappreciated in a wide variety of communications positions at newspapers, corporations and state government. Her goals include thinner thighs, a nap, maybe a solo trip to Walmart.

She works. She mothers. She still drinks cheap beer. She wonders why she's writing in the third person right now.

She thinks she'll go take a nap.
Apparently I am one of "America's Most Hilarious Writers." This is news to me! And everyone else!


  1. Oh, congratulations! So very deserved, because you, my friend, are high-larious! :)

  2. Love it! :)

  3. I can only HOPE to be as white, as drunk, as reproductive, but most of all, as gangsta as you someday, my bloggyfave!
    My thighs chubby fist-bump your thighs.
    <3 Muff.

  4. Well deserved! You are HY-sterical! I always come to you to "lighten up" hahahaha

  5. Good for you!! I'm glad to see a deserving person succeed!

  6. Oh hell yeah!! How awesome, Dawn! Congrats!!

  7. Hey, you forgot to mention you are also in my Google reader. I only put the cream-corn of the crop in my reader.

    Srsly, congrats. You are a lot of fun and brighten my day at this little hermitage I call Ducks Mahal.

  8. Congrats! You can't wait to get out of Ohio, and I can't wait to get back there...for a short visit with Erma Bombeck friends. Wanda and I have a t-shirt in the works for E.B's harem. The Medicare Mom.

  9. I can't believe I wasn't mentioned anywhere in your bio!

  10. So happy you are getting the recognition for all your slaving at the computer!! You so deserve it my funny friend, & maybe you'll actually be able to get your ass out of O-hi-freakin'-O someday...& then you'll remember us poor saps still here, & say, thank God I'm outta there! Can't wait to say I knew you when, once you're ($2) RICHer & almost FAMOUS!!

  11. Congratulations, Dawn! Can't wait to get my hand on it.

  12. I'm so happy for ya, I could just squish yo gangsta lil face on the screen! Way to go and remember to drag me along for some of the fun!!

  13. Loved the bio and will definitely one of those 5 buying the book when it comes out!

  14. Hey! Way to go!!! Woot!!!

    Just remember: I knew you when.

  15. That's the Dawn(zie) I know, funny as ----

  16. That's wonderful news! And it couldn't happen to a more bad ass gangsta mama than you!

    Now if it were a bad ass Pixie mama? I may have to step up and take the prize. lol

    I'll be looking for the book.

  17. I really honestly LOVE your bio and huge congrats!!! I've never been so proud to have the name Dawn. Looking forward to the book pimpings. And it does feel DAMN good to be a gangsta. But I could use a little more practice.

  18. This is awesome news, Dawn! You are hilarious and with admirable life goals. CONGRATULATIONS. I can't wait to read your piece.

  19. Two things I have noticed over the years. Women look good in glasses and women look good in ball caps. But when I compliment them on the cap, almost always they say they are having a bad hair day. You are no gangsta, but you do look good!

  20. Personally, I would make the ball cap picture your profile picture! Nobody asked, but I'm just saying...

  21. P.S. I also have a friend who calls me Dawnzie. I don't know why.

  22. Linda and Nancy - Thank you, my ladies.
    Muff - Are you sure you want to be as white as I am? ;) You're already uber-gangsta.
    Dawn - The "Dawnzie" is something my husband calls me, and it's spread, like a bad disease, to many of my friends. Oy.
    Heidi - Thank you. I have no idea why these editors want to use my stuff. I am pretty sure they need medication.
    Sugar Free - Thanks girl! I finally fixed your link on my page.
    Ron - I enjoy making Mr. Ducks laugh.
    Jody - At least the Buckeye State produced our Erma. Love her. :)
    Wow - You have an entire chapter of my life story devoted to you.
    Kerbi - I am quite sure I will NEVER be able to quit my (State of Ohio) day job. Sigh.
    Lisa - Thanks girl! xxoo
    Nurse - I will happily drag you anywhere, girlfriend. ;)
    Pixie - You are DEFINITELY one Badass Pixie Mama.
    Vixen - Damn it feels good to be a Dawn. Sometimes. ;)
    Robyn - Thank you, my friend. Being in a book was never a goal of mine. I never thought I'd get that far. ;)
    R.J. - Yes, it was definitely a bad hair night that night. You don't even want to know how bad. If I used this as my profile pic, people would run screaming from this blog. lol

  23. Congrats to you! I too was born in Cincinnati! Like you needed to know that.

  24. You are a badass!! Love that pic! Ain't no one messing with you. Riding no hands with milk and za? You do have skillz....and you are one of AMerica's most hilarious writers. The rest of America just doesn't know it yet, but they will, damn it, and when they do, we gonna electric slide all over O-hio!

  25. You. Go. Dawn.

    You are FAAAYYYY-MUSSSSS! I should had you autograph "Oprah/Susan" before you sent her! :-) Dammit. This is such great news. I'm proud of you and happy to buy a copy when it's available!!!!!

  26. Dawn Weber is a wife of one (she thinks)
    Yeah those bigamist marriages can be so forgettable….

    a mother of two (that she knows of)
    That was one hell of a nine month bender you went on….You just have to remember who you left the baby with and you have a hatrick

  27. Laura - Of course you were born in Cincy. It's the World Renowned Home of Hi-larity. Obviously!
    MTM - I will do the Electric Slide with you any day. I would even drink Bud Light for you. Word.
    Jen - Thanks dearie. I probably will never even be able to quit my day job. Oh well. It helps make me crabby and crabbiness helps me write.
    BlackLog - All those husbands are very useful. You know, for home repair and car repair and giant orgies and whatnot. ;)

  28. C'mon... you easily deserved the award!