Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Secrets of My Lack of Success!

(post copyright 2010, Dawn Weber)
People never, ever  sometimes ask me about my writing process.

"Lighten Up! Lady," they don't say, ever. "How do you do it? How do you, week after week, come up with such mediocre brilliant blog posts?"

Well folks, I am not here for you. Far be it from me to withhold worthless valuable literary advice. You have the power, people! Right at your fingertips.

You too can earn zero dollars from your writing! That's right. Publications have eliminated thousands of positions across the U.S. and/or closed their doors forever!

This makes editors ever-so- unhappy to hear from writers. You'll call and e-mail, annoy and pester...they'll ignore, lie and avoid you. When you finally do make contact with them, they'll cantankerously reject your work because they are rude, ignorant assholes. Good times!

And! Have fun competing with all the award-winning, out-of-work journalists for sparse space in the Sunday Times. Hell - for that matter, have fun competing with the laid-off sports reporter, who can't spell, for space in the neighborhood shopper that rag. Good luck!

I know all of this great news has really got you itching to shoot yourself get going. But wait! I have so much more advice. Turn off the computer and run away NOW.

To hinder help you along, I've decided to give a weekly rundown of my writing process:

Monday - Thursday - Wake at 5:30 a.m. Scratch self, Grab laptop and coffee. Realize you only have one hour of writing time.

Open computer, stare at blinking cursor. Nothing.

Check Facebook. Way to stay focused! Begin "liking" and commenting on friends' statuses. Everyone's hates entitled to your valuable opinion!

Sixty minutes - and sixty Facebook comments - later, get ready for work. No sweat - there's still not much time to post!

Friday - Commence crapping pants. No ideas, nothing written, and the obsessive/compulsive in you likes to post once a week you weirdo.

Open laptop, stare at blinking cursor. Nothing.

But it's O.K. There's always the weekend, and Saturdays and Sundays are not ever known as productive work days...

Weekends -  Grab laptop and creep into kitchen, trying not wake anyone so you can have valuable solo writing time. This immediately triggers apparent sonic bat hearing of 8-year-old, who thump-thump-thumps down stairs. You really should have slipped him that Benadryl last night.

Sigh, and close laptop. Pour cereal for the Thumper. Pretend to Listen to his in-depth review of latest Pokemon/Mario Bros. video game.

Kindly suggest to Thumper that he play new Pokemon/Mario Bros. game. Plant him in front of television, and try to write again.

Open laptop, stare at blinking cursor. Nothing.

Glance over at dirty clothes pile - huge. Sigh. Close laptop, dive into effin' laundry duties. Whee! Kill me now, please.

Well, I hope I have been of no help whatsoever to your writing career. You can see for yourself here why I am so wildly un successful. Just don't follow my example, and you too will not make anywhere close to millions from your musings!

No, don't thank me, really. It was a huge pain in the ass no bother. I'm a giver.


  1. I love your smartassery & will be sure to take your advice to heart!!

  2. LOL!! I can totally relate to the 8-year old with bat ears (TOO FUNNY!!). Kids don't really understand our need to tap those keys, do they? ;-) KEEP it UP!! Thanks for doing all this thankless self-punishing and FREE writing for the masses. Some mornings, your writing is what gets me writing!

  3. I wish my writing forays were so easy. Ha ha. You captured the process brilliantly. Now, have a margarita with me to celebrate!

  4. I am laughing out loud, love your hilarious dose of truth!

  5. Hi! Found your blog via LBS Tea Party and love this post. I've been going demented the last few weeks/months trying to finish writing projects etc. This is very funny. I am in dire need of levity and am your latest follower. Thanks for the smile.

  6. hey.. you have the same writing process as me. i too have managed to earn no dollars with my writing...

    seriously lovin' your blog though. i may not be able to increase your income but i'll increase your reader count :)

  7. I write six days a week for no income. I'm uber successful, but I'll never give away my secrets. NEVER!

  8. Well, I'm not a professional writer...just a blogger who writes. But I'm definitely a member of the I Don't Get Paid Club! And I can relate to staring and the blinking cursor to no avail, and to trying to juggle all the other things that I have to get done in the course of a week. Thanks for your funny sense. Glad I found you via Lady Bloggers. :)