Big Book Announcement! Finally!

That's right! After four years,  833 hours of procrastination, two dozen boxes of wine, five million re-reads and approximately 7,498,865 edits, it's finally happened.

The book. She is here.

I Love You. Now Go Away: Confessions of a Woman with a Smartphoneis a thoroughly modern concept, a book written on a phone. In fact, for the past seven years, I've drafted all my pieces -- at least until the point where they have to be formatted in Word or Blogger -- on my phone.

It started with a Blackberry. Back in 2009, I realized I hadn't yet attempted my lifelong dream of writing humor. Since I'd just turned 40, I figured I'd better get on that. You know, before I dropped dead and all.

Because I loathe writing with a pen -- and no one can read my chicken-scratch anyway -- I began writing on my phone. I let my thumbs do the walkin', tapping out thoughts on my Blackberry keypad, transferring them to a PC, and submitting them to the local paper -- and later to this blog and the Huffington Post. Eight years (and eight phones) later, I'm still at it, and here's the book to prove it. Read on for the back cover copy:

If you like the blog, I think you'll love the book. Though there are a few favorites inside, 96 percent of this humor collection is new material featuring the usual suspects, the Husband, the Princess and the Hobo, as well as dozens of shenanigans featuring yours truly. Adventures in my soul-sucking cubicle! The annual trip to the OB/GYN! That time I drank vodka and fell off a boat!  All of this and more. You will learn more about me than you ever wanted to know, and I am so sorry.

Still, I hope you'll pick up I Love You. Now Go Away (and, if you enjoy it, please leave a review -- reviews are so important!) But even if you don't, I want to say how much I appreciate those of you who have read and laughed with me all these years. Without your support and words of encouragement, I'd never have attempted the monumental, gratifying, and unbelievably frightening task of writing a book. So it's all your fault.

And I thank you for that.

All I Want for Christmas Is to Lose 10 Pounds

(post copyright 2016, Dawn Weber)

It's not Christmas for me unless I'm ruining carols by completely re-writing them!  

Merriest of Christmases to you and yours!

All I want for Christmas Is to Lose 10 Pounds

All I want for Christmas is to lose 10 pounds,
To lose 10 pounds, just to lose 10 pounds,

Gee, if I could find a way to lose 10 pounds,

Then I would have a Merry Christmas.

It seems so long since I could see,

My feet beneath my giant bulbous belly,

Oh gosh, oh gee how happy I'd be,

If my thighs felt less like jelly.

All I want for Christmas is to lose 10 pounds,
To lose 10 pounds, just to lose 10 pounds,

Gee, if I could find a way to lose 10 pounds,

Then I would have a Merry Christmas.

It's been ages since I could get,
My pants on without swearing or a struggle,

"Oh crap, oh shit -- these slacks don't fit!"

Over a gut bulging like a bubble.

All I want for Christmas is to lose 10 pounds,
To lose 10 pounds, just to lose 10 pounds,

Gee, if I could find a way to lose 10 pounds,

Then I would have a Merry Christmas.

If I could just control myself,
Around all the goodies, cakes and candy,

Then I might have the chance to wear,

A skirt that pulls up over my big fanny.

All I want for Christmas is to lose 10 pounds,
To lose 10 pounds, just to lose 10 pounds,

Gee, if I could find a way to lose 10 pounds,

Then I would have a Merry Christmas.

I guess it's kind of useless to,
Try and diet at this time of year,

When cream cheese is our main food group,

Nothing to drink but egg nog, wine and beer.

Still . . .

All I want for Christmas is to lose 10 pounds,
To lose 10 pounds, just to lose 10 pounds,

Gee, if I could find a way to lose 10 pounds,

Then I would have a Merry Christmas!

____________________________________________

I'm Dreaming of a Blue Christmas

I'm dreaming of a blue Christmas,
A Christmas I have never known,

Where the temp is 80,

And sun shines all day,

While I lie basking in its glow.

I'm dreaming of a blue Christmas,
Without a snowflake to be found,

I'll go on vacation,

With much elation, 

As my plane flies southward bound.

Oh, I'm dreaming of a blue Christmas,
Without a traffic jam in sight,

No one aggravates me,

Or spikes my BP,

When I drive island roads at night.

I'm dreaming of a blue Christmas,
Where I don't have to shop at all,

I'll spend all damn day,

Just being lazy,

While up north y'all are at the mall.

Yes, I'm dreaming of a blue Christmas,
With every shovel full of snow,

I clear the driveway,

But if I had my way,

I'd hop a Southwest flight and go.

I'm dreaming of a blue Christmas,
I bet that you would like it too,

May it happen for me and for you,

May we have one Christmas that is blue!

_____________________________________

(... and I couldn't resist posting an old favorite I wrote in 2011)

Santa's a Chick

(sung to the tune of "Jingle Bell Rock")

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's a chick,
She lacks a dick, Santa's a chick,
No dude could do all they say that he does,
Only chicks could get all that done.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's a chick,
Ain’t that a kick, Santa’s a chick,
Bakin’ and wrappin’ and deckin’ the hall,
With her wine bottle!

What a headache, how her back aches,
Fifty-nine things to do,
It's pure chaos, runs her ass off,
Most of these men don't even have a clue.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa’s a girl,
All 'round the world, Santa’s a girl,
Started her list around June 24,
Men they wait until the day before.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa has boobs,
Thirty-six Cs, average boobs,
Bouncing and flouncing all over the mall,
Since the early fall!

On Black Friday, she’s up early,
Left before the crack of dawn,
Flat-screen TVs, she’d like one, please,
“I'm sorry ma’am - they’re already gone."

Hurry up, Santa Chick, get the hell home,
Cookies don't make themselves,
Hubs he's asleep and he's no help at all,
That's why Santa's a . . .
Surely Santa's a . . .
That's why Santa's a chick!