Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Six People Lurking in Your Employee Lunchroom


(post copyright 2015, Dawn Weber)
I've worked at various businesses around the Midwest for, oh, two or three hundred years now.

Although every job is different, they all have had some things in common -- besides computers and despair, that is.

Every workplace has a lunchroom. And in each lunchroom, there among the rows of tables, chairs and filthy microwaves, are certain individuals. Here at Miserable Cubicles Incorporated, I've identified these folks. Read on for a handy guide to  "The Six People Lurking in Your Employee Lunchroom."

1. Protein Pete
PP arrives first thing each morning and spreads out his array of fruits, powders and organic kale. Next, he spends 40 minutes of company time whipping up a slimy green concoction that he sips twice, then stores -- uncovered and indefinitely -- in the communal fridge. Protein Pete specializes in Ninja Blenders, rotten bananas, and annoying the hell out of everyone with unsolicited nutritional advice.

2. Coffee Pot Carl
Carl got coffee.

You got none.

Again.

That's because instead of following standard lunchroom etiquette and making more coffee after he poured the last cup, Carl went back to his desk, strolling cheerfully past the "If you drink the last of the coffee, please make more" sign.

Again.

You suck, Carl.

3. Loud Linda
In a good mood? You won't be for long. Loud Linda has arrived to inform everyone in shouty capital letters about the TRAFFIC, the WEATHER, and her RIDICULOUS WORKLOAD. Loud Linda: She's the reason God made earbuds.

And vodka.

4. TMI Tonia
Not to be outdone by Linda is TMI Tonia. Join her by the water cooler, where she'll continually share too damn much information with anyone brave enough to walk into the room. Her pants size. Her sex life. Her latest colonoscopy. We know all about it. And more.

So much more.

5. Dirty Dishes Dan
Our boy Dan likes to leave his soiled plates "soaking" in the sink, waiting on the perfect time -- Christmas? Easter? The zombie apocalypse? -- for someone else to wash them. It's a happy world, Dan's is, free of responsibility and common decency, where a guy doesn't deal with his own messes.

It's a world with his mom, apparently.

6. Scorched Salmon Sally
Sally loves fish.

So Sally brings fish.

Sally overcooks said fish in the microwave, reducing it to a rubbery puck and producing an odor that causes everyone in the room to gag and seriously consider the possibility of assault with office supplies.

Yes, Sally loves fish. But Sally is in danger of death.

By paper clip.

So there you have it. Six obnoxious people from your lunchroom and mine, all of whom specialize in making our workdays just a little more wretched.

How do you get through it? We at Miserable Cubicles Incorporated recommend earbuds, a "white noise" playlist, and the knowledge that one day you will retire.

In twenty, thirty years or so.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my break is almost over and I really need to grab a cup of . . .

Dammit, Carl.

18 comments:

  1. Are you sure you don't live in Seattle?
    All your co workers are in my break room too.
    Great post.

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    Replies
    1. They've been at all my jobs, too, Cinnamon. Different names and faces, but same habits.

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  2. But . . . but . . . everyone always seems so INTERESTED in the details of my colonoscopies?

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  3. I know people like that. I maybe one of them. I would talk about the latest cute kitten video and show endless photos of cats. then hack up laughing later over it.

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    1. Nothing wrong with a good kitten video, Strayer, as long as you're not all "Loud Linda" about it. ;)

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  4. I am so glad that I left most of those people behind when I left work. Sadly my partner is related to Dan. Closely related.

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    Replies
    1. My kids also seem to be related to DD Dan.

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  5. Hey in our branch of Miserable Cubicles Incorporated we had a seventh annoying person

    Fungus Fridge Bob
    He always brought his lunch to work in a plastic container. He never eat said lunch, he leave it in the fridge forever. In container new life forms are developing. The top two shelf are allocated to Bob's experiment, the bottom shelf is for Protein Pete multiple natural food. There is one place in the door that if you get to the office early, you might have room to put your sandwich.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course. How could I forget about Fungus Fridge Bob? He's everywhere!

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  6. You are HILARIOUS! Fortunately I never encountered any of those types but my offices weren't that big anyway. However no one ever did their dishes and that was annoying as hell. When I worked at a TV station, there was one fridge upstairs near the news department and those of us that worked downstairs in production quickly learned that if we put food in there, even labeled with our names, the piggies in news would eat or drink our stuff. They didn't care that they'd deprived someone they called 'friend' their food. So we ate out every day.

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    Replies
    1. I can't imagine eating someone else's food. First of all, it's rude. Second of all, eww.

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  7. LOL! Though I do feel it is my duty to point out that not ALL Lindas are loud. Only some of us are. ;)

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    Replies
    1. I will admit that I can be sort of a Loud Linda sometimes.

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  8. I will never tell anyone about what happened to Sally. Or her buddy who nukes the garlicky whatever until my sinuses have an out of body experience. And ... thanks for taking care of those two. (wink)

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    Replies
    1. And we won't ask about all those paperclips on your desk. ;)

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  9. What about Fruit Fly Fred? Or Dr.Doom the mad scientist growing weird cultures in the fridge. Then there was Knows Everything Nate who shared his always correct opinions with everyone within hearing distance. He finally left when he got frustrated because people wouldn't do all of it his way.

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  10. Scorched Salmon Sally is my nemesis. I hate her the most. Almost as much as I hate fish.

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