Thursday, October 3, 2013

Dude on the Sofa


(post copyright 2013, Dawn Weber)
Some guy’s on the couch in the sunroom, watching TV. A dark-haired, flannel-shirted, fella.
As I pass through the room - several (hundred) times - with the laundry, the dog, the vacuum, Jimmy Hoffa, I glance at this vaguely familiar man. Whoever he is, I’m not too worried, because he’s transfixed by the television. Also, he’s been there, immobile, for a long time - just sitting. I am somewhat in awe of this.
I haven’t sat down during the day in my house since the Bush administration. The first one.
After a week or two, I begin to wonder if this individual is breathing. So I head over to inspect . . . and see that it is, indeed, my spouse, still alive. Only then, with the blaring ESPN, I realize:
It’s football season.
No wonder I haven’t seen him much lately. I should maybe watch some games with him.
That's right. From time to time, while the husband watches sports on a nice fall afternoon, I like to bug the hell out of spend some time with him while he enjoys his favorite sport. It’s no problem - I’m a giver.
And he LOVES this. 
So I walk on out to him in the middle of the room and stand in front of the TV.
"What quarter is it?" I ask.
He sighs. "This is Sportscenter. Not a game."
“Oh. O.K."  

I see a flash of a familiar face, then point at the screen. "Hey, look! It’s that guy!”

“What guy?” he asks.
“You know . . . c’mon. That guy!” 
 “WHAT guy?” he says, through gritted teeth.
“That kicker from Ohio State a few years ago," I tell him. "You know who I mean . . . Ted Nugent!”
 “MIKE Nugent," he rubs his temples. Hard. "Don’t you have some Facebooking to do?”
Isn’t that nice? How thoughtful of him to think of my hobbies in this manner. I can tell he really wants to spend MORE time with me and share his affection for the cow-skin.
It’s just too bad I don’t know more about football.
So later in the day when I pass him with the hamper, I decide to plop down for a minute. 

“Who’s playing?”
He closes his eyes. “Dawn. Look at the TV. It’s Ohio State.”
“Huh," I say. "But their uniforms are red. They were white last week.”
“They played away last week, so they wore white," he says. "They wear red at home, and they’re playing home this week. That’s what they do.”
“Well how do people keep up with all these outfit changes?”

He rubs his temples so hard that I fear for the safety of his brain. 

“Don’t you have some blogging to do?”
Again, so considerate! Can you feel the love tonight? I take this as my sign to stick around, keep him company . . . because clearly, he LOVES this. It’s just too bad I don’t know more about football.
“Who are they playing today?” I ask.
He's still rubbing his temples. “Florida A & M.”
“Florida A & M? That’s a lot smaller than OSU. I thought Ohio State was supposed to be good? Why are they playing these small schools?”
*Crickets* 

*Temple-rubbing* 

*Teeth-gritting*
“You know," I say. "I was supposed to go to the winery with Marjie, but I don’t have any money. That’s O.K., though, I’d rather stay here with you and talk the football . . .”
“Here!” he says, jumping to his feet. 

He rummages around in his pocket and pulls out a handful of cash. 

"Go ahead!" he says. "Have fun! You never get to go out!”
Yes. 

It’s really too bad I don’t know more about football.

15 comments:

  1. hmm, is that all it takes to get the wife out of the house? Cash? Searching pockets...still searching...lint...

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  2. I aspire to have your wisdom, and know how, and annoyance factor. You are my idol.

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  3. Hey Dawn! Wait, what? You mean I could be watching college football too?! And I take my hat off to you again, smart lady =) Indigo x

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  4. This made my day! I'm going to share and I just might not read anyone else's blog today, b/c this tickled me OH, so much! Have fun at with the wino - I mean at the winery! ;)

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  5. You're a very loving wife, trying to take interest in something so uninteresting as professional football. I would've asked the same questions about the uniform colors and Ted Nugent. Love your humor too, as always.

    xoRobyn

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  6. You women are a devious bunch, but I'm with Ray
    Give' em cash
    And they go away

    P.S. I don't care about football, either.

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  7. Yet another reason why I'm single. Although, it would be nice to have someone rummage through their pockets once in a while and give me cash. :)

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  8. The hills are alive . . . with the sound of football, ahhhhhhh!

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  9. Ray- dig deeper. You can do it!
    Wanda - it's a gift, really.
    Indigo - of course you can! Just make sure to have plenty of cash on hand.
    Stacey - you're such a doll. Thanks, dearie. :)
    Robyn - Ted Nugent is one helluva kicker. I hear he plays for the Bengals now...
    Jono - a man after my own heart.
    Kelly - just make sue Rob's pockets are loaded before the sits down for a game...
    Jayne - see? It isn't all bad. ;)
    Barb - it's taken years to master my technique - dozens of football seasons...
    Lisa - with songs they have sung/for a thousand years!

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  10. I'm a Giants fan.
    Is it football season?

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  11. That's funny. Clever and funny but, you don't fool me. You know more about football than you let on.
    Don't worry, I won't tell.

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  12. Al - Judging by the dude on the couch, it is.
    Timothy - It'll be our little secret. Shh . . .

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  13. Ahh!! How did I miss this?!

    Me and you, we're like *THIS* here. You see what I'm saying? A couple margaritas (or, hell, a Miller Lite) and we can sit and talk about how Tuberculosis can NEVER defeat South Dakota...

    I am purposefully and resolutely ignint in the football arena, mostly because I think it's funny, but also because I Just Don't Care.

    Pearl

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